A insight to what goes on behind closed doors during Parental Alienation
A story based on true facts during a battle which has lasted over 27 years and continues up until this day.
These are not from memories 27 years later, the events were contemporaneously scripted at the time and have been stored for reference.
All names have been changed to protect the identity of the persons involved.
I will never forget the day my daughter and husband walked through the front door, my daughter with that mischievous look on her face!
Then out of her mouth came those immortal words “I am having a new mummy, and she makes much nicer lasagne than you”
I could not believe it, I had tolerated my husbands promiscuous behavior for many, many years, but always tried to protect the children.
Years of witnessing groping women at parties, staying out all night with the lads, it was the way he was made, and things would never change, but I always managed to hide the true facts from friends and family.
I had stayed with him much longer than I should have done, but I was determined not to make the same mistakes as my mother and keep the family together.
He had spent weeks crouching on the floor, shaking, acting weird, I knew something was wrong but my first thoughts had been drugs, due to the company he was keeping.
But this was a step too far.
The divorce had been processed very quickly due to the “unreasonable behavior” and we both agreed in the best interests of the children it should be joint custody. But the financial settlement still had to be finalized and legalized.
I had arranged a potential viewing of the house with a local estate agent that evening, I was desperate to sell the house as the arrears were accumulating due to Kram my now ex husband not paying the mortgage.
Up early at 5.00am to clean and tidy the house, get Edan my son off to school at 8.00pm in time to catch the school bus to Aylesbury, then off to Hemel Hempstead to my temporary low paid job.
Edan was a sensitive soul and being two years older than his sister at thirteen understood the reality of what was happening. He was embarrassed and disgusted by his fathers behavior and had not seen him for many weeks until recently – after persistent nagging from my side. He was due to go to his flat in the next village that day after school.
I returned home that evening exhausted and apprehensive about my sons visit, and the house viewing later in the evening. The local village estate agents were due at 7.00pm.
Went upstairs to change out of my work suit into something more casual, Edan still had not returned from his fathers. I entered the bedroom which I had left immaculate ready for the viewing and turned to look in the mirror and to my horror scribbled across the bedroom wall in red lipstick where the words.
I knew from that moment it was going to be a bumpy ride……….
Kram continued to send me poems and love songs handwritten and posted through the front door of our home which I shared now with just Edan, as May had decided to go and live with her father. Who could resist been showered with gifts and brand new tack for her pony Diamond.
I know that I’ve been mad in love before
And how it could be with you
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You’re the book that I have opened
And now I’ve got to know much more
The curiousness of your potential kiss
Has got my mind and body aching
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You’re the book that I have opened
And now I’ve got to know much more
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I’m missing every part
I did not have much money and quite a lot of the furniture and carpets had been removed one day whilst I was out at work and Edan was at school. Despite the desperate conditions I was trying very hard to do my best with constant harassment, phone calls and threats.
It was like being divorced to a Jekyll and Hyde, which left me very upset and confused must have been very distressing for Edan at the very impressionable age of 13!
Not sure how the situation was affecting May (11 years)living with her father in the one bed-roomed flat in the next village, all I knew was that she was extremely hostile towards me on the rare occasion I got to see her.
I received a call one day from Kram saying that May would like to see me, so I rushed over straight away in the car, excited and elated that she wanted to see me. Before I had even reached the door May came rushing out and got into the passenger seat of my car. We were parked on the road just outside Kram’s flat when to my horror May snatched the car keys out of the ignition, leapt out of the car, ran up to the open window of the ground floor flat and threw the bunch of keys through the window. Kram opened the door to let her back into the house and she ran inside and slammed the door closed whilst Kram shut the open window and stood laughing at me.
This was just one of the minor events that continued over the years. It paled into insignificance compared to what was to come later!!!!!!!!!
Sex and Drugs and Raves third part of the book Natural Born Liars
About one year prior to the divorce a young couple called Di and Gus moved into the village with their three children, they purchased a house just across the road, almost opposite.
Apparently Kram use to go to school with Gus and they went back a long way. One day Gus came over to the house to see Kram, he was not your conventional type of father/ husband, in fact he was quite rude and intimidating.
Kram and Gus started going out in the evenings and coming home in the early hours of the morning on a regular basis. Kram’s behavior changed quite dramatically along with my daughter May, they would gang up together and be verbally abusive towards me. My daughter was very taken with Gus as he knew everything there was to know about horses!!
One early summer evening Gus came over to collect Kram to go somewhere in the car, by then I had given up asking where he was going as I never ever got a straight answer. May insisted on going with them her words were “I am not staying here with her” so off they went.
Several hours later May told me what had happened!!! She said that her father, Gus and two other men had driven around the corner to a piece of waste land behind the local mechanics garage. She had been told to stay in the car. She said they opened the boot and took out wellington boots and shovels and went into the derelict shed on the wasteland. Then she told me that she got out of the car and went to look inside the shed to see what was happening. She said all four of them were standing looking at the ground with shovels in hand and wellington boots on. When I pressurized her to tell me what happened next she said “nothing” then apparently they took the two other men home and came back.
Earlier that week Kram had bought a Ford Granada from the auctions, silver grey and only a few years old, not unusual as he often purchased cars from the local auctions.
That evening after the shed event Kram, Gus and who knows who else all went out in the new Granada for the evening. I tried to discourage Kram as I knew he did not have a problem with drinking and driving but my pleas fell on deaf ears.When did he ever take any notice of anything I had to say.
I heard the car arrive home in the early hours of the morning and went back to sleep. I had given up on the arguing by then and my mindset was already fixed on divorce but I had not yet contacted a solicitor.
Kram got up very early the next day and went out to the car and started stripping out the seats and emptying the boot, even the carpets came out. He then proceeded to scrub the carpets, boot and seats with hot water and detergent and disinfectant.
I was totally astonished as the car had just been valeted when we purchased it just over one week ago. Who was I to question it!!
Three days later the car had gone to the local scrap yard in town, what a waste, or was it!!!!
Kram collapsed on the kitchen floor, the garbled words spilling out of his mouth did not make any sense (no change there).
I called the locum doctor for a home visit and after a thorough examination he was admitted to hospital.
Kram wasted no time in telling his parents that he was suffering from a heart attack because I had been pushing him too hard to work and this was the consequence.
Every time I visited at the hospital he would be in tears and distressed and kept repeating over and over again that “he had a grain in his head and it felt like it was growing larger and larger until it would burst”.
I visited my local doctor in the village for reassurance about his condition. The doctor said he could not breach a patients confidentiality but he could confirm that his heart was perfectly healthy and he certainly had not had a heart attack!!
The only grain growing in his head was his own inflated ego, the best thing he could do was to go and join RADA– The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.
Di had left Gus and was struggling to bring up three children on her own. Everyone I knew locally had abandoned me due to Krams public threatening outlandish behavior and I was spending many hours isolated in house on my own.
One day when I was at my lowest ebb Di knocked on the door and helped me spring back to my former self, we were friends for some time!!
It was close to Christmas and things were tough for Di so I loaned her some money, let her borrow my car, gave her some of my belongings to look after and use, kept her company evening and weekends, babysat for the three children and we often had evenings out together.
I drove my car to the house where I lived looking forward to giving my children their Christmas presents I had carefully chosen over the past few weeks. I had taken a job in Switzerland and would give my children some space to come round, just as the Bedfordshire Social Worker Mrs K had advised.
I still had the key to the front door as the financial settlement still had not been arranged and after all I did still own half of our house.
Upon entering the front door I heard a commotion and shouting and caught a brief glimpse of Edan and May running up the stairs, I quickly tried to follow them.
Kram got me in a powerful submission hold and said “the children do not want to see you”
I told him I only wanted to say goodbye and give them their Christmas presents and he said “they dont want anything from you”.
I was mortified and asked him to let go of me so I could leave.
How could someone be so cruel and un impassioned.
I said my goodbyes in the New Year to Di before leaving for Switzerland. I made her swear to me that she would personally hand any letters I sent to my children by hand so Kram could not destroy them. I wanted my children to know that I loved them and would come back when they wanted to see me.
I loathed every day in Switzerland and missed the children desperately, I wrote them letters every single day in the hope that they would write back. Every day I would go to the post office to see if anything had been sent, nothing!
Three months was all I could stomach in Switzerland and on the way home I thought I would surprise Di and let my self into her house armed with gifts for her and her children.
I took the key from the usual place and let myself into Di’s kitchen. A neat stack of airmail letters where placed on the sideboard opened so I went to investigate. To my horror every single letter that should have been hand given to my children lay there open and exposed.
I felt the blood drain from my head, I was about to pass out, I felt betrayed, abandoned, victimized.
I left the house and got back into my car and just drove for miles.
I did not have anything to do with Di ever again. Several years later my son Edan told me he returned home from school one day and caught Di and Kram in bed together!
Two Narcissistic egos together, each with their own agenda.
- Hers – a mercenary one to secure herself a substantial property in the village.
- His – just another pawn to play with in his game of manipulation, control, lies and deception.
read more here:- Natural Born Liars
In Krams world all women are slags, mothers, daughters, girlfriends, wives and grandmothers. The word was often used in his families household.
Most intelligent women could see Kram for the fake he really was, but if they did not succumb to his narcissistic charms they would be labelled “Slag”.
One day May and her friend in all their innocence at the age of twelve, decided to go into town and get some business cards printed at the local card machine in town.
They thought it would just be a bit of fun to hand around to their friends.May was absolutely stunned and confused when the cards were discovered to be accused of being a “Slag”.
Its no wonder every time I called Edan on the telephone the only words that often spilled from his mouth were “what do you want slag” .The word slag had become so popular in the Kram camp.
Collins English Dictionary:-
[British, informal, offensive, disapproval]
I had been on my own for several months after the divorce when a good friend suggested I should get back into the social scene.
After what I had been fed for many years I felt unworthy, unloved, unattractive and thought no one would be interested in me. Many friends had shied away due to the outrageous behavior of Kram and several ugly incidents that took place in the village after the divorce.
Every time anyone took any interest in me there would be a damaged car, roof slashed, tool kit removed or burning vehicle left outside someones property.
Kram was very careful always to get someone else to do his dirty work, never him, always employees or lowlife friends.
My friend persuaded a very respectable local tennis coach to take me to a village party one evening, his wife had left many months ago, so why not?? He was one of the very few who was not afraid of Kram, he boldly knocked on the door one day and asked me out. I was very apprehensive and knew there would be repercussions but I had to get out there and life my life, after all I was only 33.
We got to know each other quite well and he knew Kram and what he was capable of.
I was quite shocked and disgusted when he told me that one evening after his daughter had been babysitting Kram walked her back home as he had too much to drink to drive. Apparently even though she was only school age he said I will pay you extra if you give me a kiss, he then tried to make romantic/sexual advances.
You may be reading this thinking – “how awful for his children to read this” but this was minor compared to what my daughter told me several years later.
May was very proud of her father and loved the fact that her school friends found him attractive. She told me many years later that one evening when her friend went to the house for a sleepover, when she woke up, in the morning her friend was in bed with her father Kram!!!!!
I was almost sick with disgust when she told me, and I hoped it was just another one of her bizarre stories.
I asked her how it made her feel, and she smiled and said “all my friends fancied my dad, they think he’s lovely” she did not think there was a problem. When I responded saying it was disgusting she replied “you are only jealous”!!!!!
The more I discovered what happened in that house the worse it became.
Every Christmas would be very special, we would take Edan and May to Hamleys to get an idea of what they would like for Christmas then out for a meal afterwards before returning home.
On a few occasions we invited the complete extended family over to our house for Christmas dinner as it was a double celebration with my birthday on Christmas day. It was hard work cooking for 20 people but great fun.
Sadly on the years we did not invite family we always had the dreaded phone call just as we had sat down to eat our Christmas dinner. Crying down the phone to Kram, her day had been ruined, her husband had been in the pub most of the morning and came home to verbally abuse her and her father.She would want Kram to go over to the house to settle things down.
I had the utmost sympathy for her , until after therapy I realised what she had been doing all those years. The burning of the letters and love poems I showed her when Kram was trying to convince his parents that I had driven him to a heart attack. Destroying any evidence that showed that he cared. Ruining our Christmas and birthday just because she was not there, if she was not having a good time she would make sure that we were not either.!!!!!
I came to the realisation years later that this is what she had always wanted. Any rational mother could see what Kram was doing to my children and would have intervened and told the children that I loved them very much and would have supported me.
I asked my daughter and my son several years later if their grandmother had ever told them that I was a very good mother and loved them both very much. You can guess thier reply, “no never”.
Her son could do no wrong, I think she would even let him get away with murder.
Well after many sessions of counseling I discovered what I already knew!!
Its been liberating and therapeutic writing my story and this is what I have learned:-
- My ex is a narcissist and EVERYTHING WAS A LIE.
- Yes my mother LOVED ME and always did love me.
- No I did not do anything wrong for my children to not want anything to do with me.
- No my children do not hate me and IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.
- Yes, it was the very best thing I could have possibly done to save myself.
- My children are old enough to make their own decisions and they can choose to live the way they do.
I will always love my children and grandchildren and will be there for them when they are ready.
So this is the end of book number 2 Natural Born Liars