“We live in a culture that assumes if there is an estrangement, the parents must have done something really terrible,” said Dr. Coleman, whose book “When Parents Hurt” (William Morrow, 2007) focuses on estrangement. “But this is not a story of adult children cutting off parents who made egregious mistakes. It’s about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits.”
Dr. Coleman himself experienced several years of estrangement with his adult daughter, with whom he has reconciled. Mending the relationship took time and a persistent effort by Dr. Coleman to stay in contact. It also meant listening to his daughter’s complaints and accepting responsibility for his mistakes. “I tried to really get what her feelings were and tried to make amends and repair,” he said. “Over the course of several years, it came back slowly.”
Therapists for years have listened to patients blame parents for their problems
by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
It’s a question I hear often after an adult child’s estrangement. Among the more than 9,000 mothers who have answered my survey for parents of estranged adult children, or reached out in site comments or in emails, hundreds ask the same or a similar question.
Even the busiest mothers go out of their way for their adult children. Sometimes, mothers even say their lives revolved around them, as if they’ve been on-call.
For some, the question has layers of complexity that make the situation even more heartbreaking. Like when grandchildren are involved, which makes the loss even more cruel and sad.
Grandmothers picture the sweet, innocent faces of the grandchildren their estranged son or daughter has ripped away, and worry what awful picture is being painted about them. That they’re crazy? Or worse, that they don’t care? Those women may ask, if I’m no longer the devoted grandmother, always there and ready to help, then who am I?
read the full answer to this question and many more on this website:- http://www.rejectedparents.net/category/answers-to-common-questions/
A new condition, “child affected by parental relationship distress” (CAPRD), was introduced in the DSM-5. A relational problem, CAPRD is defined in the chapter of theDSM-5 under “Other Conditions That May Be a Focus of Clinical Attention.” The purpose of this article is to explain the usefulness of this new terminology.
A brief review of the literature establishing that children are affected by parental relationship distress is presented. In order to elaborate on the clinical presentations of CAPRD, four common scenarios are described in more detail: children may react to parental intimate partner distress; to parental intimate partner violence; to acrimonious divorce; and to unfair disparagement of one parent by another. Reactions of the child may include onset or exacerbation of psychological symptoms, somatic complaints, an internal loyalty conflict, and, in the extreme, parental alienation, leading to loss of a parent–child relationship.
Since the definition of CAPRD in the DSM-5 consists of only one sentence, the authors propose an expanded explanation, clarifying that children may develop behavioral, cognitive, affective, and physical symptoms when they experience varying degrees of parental relationship distress, i.e., intimate partner distress and intimate partner violence, which are defined with more specificity and reliability in the DSM-5.
CAPRD, like other relational problems, provides a way to define key relationship patterns that appear to lead to or exacerbate adverse mental health outcomes. It deserves the attention of clinicians who work with youth, as well as researchers assessing environmental inputs to common mental health problems.
Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress
Worth a read. A good article which finally concludes that it’s not always the parents that are to blame but that children can grow up with ‘you didn’t put me first when society tells me I should be the centre of your universe and everyone else’s!’ attitude. Some recognition here that parents do not need more child guidance advice. They need help with coping with the blame their child dishes out.
ATTENTION Authors, Psychologists, Parental Alienation Syndrome experts
Let them know that their other parent is distorting things. Protecting them from this information isn’t protecting them, it’s setting them up.”
Here’s a web site with some helpful resources for coping and moving on in life.
Hiding from the TRUTH
Sitting in the garden, sun shining. Cleaner has just been, house is gleaming ready for my friend arriving tomorrow.
Just painting my toe nails ready for a few girly nights out – Party on!
Looking at Buddha for inspiration I had to ask myself many questions:-
- why would my two adult children block me on every social network they belong to but allow total strangers in?
- why would they move house and not tell me where they are?
- why would they not respond to any phone calls or emails?
- why would they not respond to any cards or gifts I had sent?
- why when I did have contact with my daughter was there not a photograph of me in sight?
- why when I asked to see all the family photo’s my daughter said her father had destroyed every single one of them including the baby photos?
- why when I asked my children to try and remember the good times, holidays, Christmas etc they could not recall anything?
- why don’t they contact any their other family members, uncles, cousins aunts?
- why do they hide away like two criminals?
- why when nothing tragic has happened do they behave in this way?
Then I asked myself the same questions:
- My social networks are open for them both to see and contact me.
- I even print my phone number and email address on the front page so they can find me easily
- They can phone me, call me or email whenever they like
- I would at least have the courtesy and good manners to thank them for a gift or card
- I have photos all around my house of my son, daughter and family
- I have a couple of school photos left but sadly nothing to show the grandchildren – no baby photos!
- I have very fond memories of many family holidays and Christmas, no one can take your memories away!
- I contact all of my family and my husbands on a regular basis to enquire how they are
- I do not hide away from anyone! I have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide!
- It is not normal behavior from well-balanced adults!
The only conclusion I can come to is that they are hiding from themselves, their friends and family from the TRUTH!!!!
Life after Parental Alienation
If you had been with a partner for several years and loved that partner dearly and you had bonded together like a unit over the years, would you stay with that person if they betrayed you, if they were unfaithful to you, if they constantly lied to you, if they did some of the things our children have done to us?
I divorced over 24 years ago and the same applies with my children. Why would I put up with unhappiness for years and years.
Just because they are our children it does not mean that we have a duty to take anything that it thrown at us in life, just because they are our children does not give them the right to treat us badly with no love or respect.
I came to this realization after over two decades of Parental Alienation for no apparent reason other than divorcing their father.
Now I have a loving husband, 2 wonderful step children, 2 step grandchildren and one more on the way and I don’t beat myself over not seeing my children anymore. I have a different view on my grandson who is only 12, unfortunately for him he has no choice but to follow his parents for now, but things may change for him in a few years.
In the meantime I am living my life to the full and making the most of the wonderful people I share my life with. It does not matter to me anymore what the relationship is – stepchildren, friends children, or grandchildren, they are all full of love they want to share. That’s what matters!
Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother’s day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org
PEACE IS A SELF HELP GROUP DEDICATED TO HELPING PARENTS WHO HAVE BEEN ESTRANGED BY ONE OR MORE OF THEIR ADULT CHILDREN. IT IS A FORUM THAT PROVIDES SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.