People sharing children with a psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist ask when the abuse will end? I wanted to share some thoughts with all the members going through court battles and parenting drama.
Everyone on this site remembers the rollercoaster of their relationship with a disordered personality. The highs, the lows, the hopes, the dreams, the prayers, the curses, the hatred, the denial. I’m sad to say that when you have to continue a relationship with a psychopath because of a child, the rollercoaster doesn’t end. It will smooth out considerably, but you will still have peaks of stress and you need to accept that and learn how to cope so that you can be the strongest you can be for your children.
The reality is we were some kind of food for psychopaths. “Were” being the operative word. Even years out, it is still difficult not to jump on the “defending your life” bandwagon, and I fall for it more than I should, but they know how to push our buttons. And they push our buttons because they know we are food. Even my ex psychopath who has the other woman living there fulltime now, still needs to stir things up and check on his food supply. And after a decade of programming, my buttons still get pushed and then I kick myself for giving him even that scrap of food.
Is there a way to starve a psychopath and get off the rollercoaster? Because family court is all about greed, I don’t think so. Because psychopaths feel empty and miserable without drama, I don’t think so. That’s the hard and fast truth. BUT there are things you can do to minimize the button pushing and fuel supply: We’ve posted a lot about greyrock. Greyrock is great, until the right button gets pushed.
I think what is most important in all of this is to remember that you are no longer in the bullseye 24-7. And when the psychopath turns his focus on you to put you back there as his victim, remember that you are no longer a victim. You may still be a target from time to time, but like any living target you have the ability to sidestep the arrow. You are no longer numb, and now you have been strengthened by the truth. You know the truth of the injustice that appears in family court; you know about the greed of most of the family law lawyers; and you know the pathology of the psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist.
Whenever my ex initiates a battle that I cannot quickly resolve, I try to pass the decision off by engaging the Parent Mediator or my attorney, either of which is an an unsure bet and bound to be expensive proposition. But dealing with him any further would be worse. Giving him that food supply directly would be worse. So I’ve gotten smarter about sidestepping the arrow.
I’ve also made great strides in building a new life. I’m happier, and my child sees that. So that when I have parenting time, I’m able to be a happy, healthy parent and no longer the victim who cries and wonders when it will end or why the psychopath has to continue to hurt me. I no longer wonder; it isn’t going to end and he needs to hurt me to feel alive. But I’m okay. I’m okay! I’m okay because I know I’ve done my best with the hand I was dealt. I know that each day I’m not dealing with him 24-7 is a day of more strength, peace and happiness for me.
Personally, I used to love rollercoasters as a kid. Now, I can’t go on those big ones. They remind me of my marriage. But the small ones? I can go on those and laugh. This is the best you’ve got? Bring it on. I can handle these small rides and I’m not standing still in your bullseye ever again.