Posted in Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They Can Dish It Out, But…

Such a well-nigh universal tendency is elevated almost to an art form with those afflicted with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). When criticized, narcissists show themselves woefully incapable of retaining any emotional poise, or receptivity. And it really doesn’t much matter whether the nature of that criticism is constructive or destructive. They just don’t seem to be able to take criticism, period. At the same time, these disturbed individuals demonstrate an abnormally developed capacity to criticize others (as in, “dish it out” to them).

Although narcissists don’t (or won’t) show it, all perceived criticism feels gravely threatening to them (the reason that their inflamed, over-the-top reactions to it can leave us so surprised and confused). Deep down, clinging desperately not simply to a positive but grandiose sense of self, they’re compelled at all costs to block out any negative feedback about themselves. Their dilemma is that the rigidity of their defenses, their inability ever to let their guard down (even with those closest to them), guarantees that they’ll never get what they most need, which they themselves are sadly–no, tragically--oblivious of. Continue reading “They Can Dish It Out, But…”

Posted in Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Parental Alienation PA, Victim of a NPD, What Judges Need to Know About NPD

Toxic shame NPD

Attributes of Unhealthy Shame:

Unhealthy Shame, (or what Bradshaw calls Toxic Shame) is the unconscious demon that undermines the individual’s self-esteem, self-worth, personal power, spontaneous action, and joyous spirit.  All of which produces intense self-scrutiny, leaving a man with an all pervasive sense that he is defective and worthless as a human being.  When the “self “considers itself to be basically flawed, the individual experiences excruciating pain and fears within their self, making them want to hide their flawed self from the world. Terrified that they will be found out, the person will goes to great lengths to guard against exposing their inner self not only from others, but also from their own self.  Afraid that he/she is not good enough, not smart enough, not intelligent enough, the person becomes a slave to their own incessant inner critic.  As a slave they are no longer free to communicate their thoughts and words in an open honest manner.  All the time their incessant internal voices are snapping at their heels like hungry dogs, making sure that they rehearse every word before they dare to speak.  These overzealous internal voices function for only one purpose, to save the person’s vulnerable self from any form of criticism or humiliation.    Unable to operate from their true self, whom they believe cannot be trusted; they abandon their authentic self in favor of a persona that is a false self.   Sadly for a narcissist, it is this false self that houses their pathological narcissism.  This causes the narcissist’s False Self to looks to the outside for fulfillment and validation from narcissistic supply, because they cannot trust their own perceived interior flawed self.  This leads to a spiritual bankruptcy, because rather than just Being, the narcissist is dominated by doing and achieving.

Unhealthy Shame and Its Recognition in Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Unhealthy shame leads the narcissist to suffer a sense of smallness, worthlessness, and powerlessness in their relationship with others.  The shame can be triggered whenever he/she feels exposed (whether shamed by own self, or by another), whether it is real or imagined makes little difference to them.  Being “seen” is at the centre of the narcissist’s shame.  Their internal images of being “looked at” are so distressing to them, that they wish to disappear out of view when there is the hint of any shame attaching to them, and if they cannot escape then you are likely to experience their almighty rage erupting.

go to the website to read more:- Is There a Relationionship Between Narcissism and Shame?

Posted in A Narcissistic Parent, Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head, ALIENATION AND THE NARCISSISTIC TOXIC MIX, Destructive Narcissism, destructive narcissist pattern (DNP), How do you survive a narcissist father?, HOW TO SURVIVE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, Parental Alienation PA

Dr. Jekyll and the evil Mr.(s). Hyde

It won’t be long before you will become privy to your narcissists frightening temper.  At first their rage will be indirect, aimed at someone else.  This demonstration of their power functions in such a way that it serves to intimidate and control others, including you.  You are also likely to witness physical outbursts, like demonstratively putting their fists through a solid wall, breaking or throwing things, hurling abuse; and it won’t be too long after that when you will be on the receiving end of the violence.   All of these tactics, along with their scathing criticism of you are designed to erode your self-esteem, your confidence, and give them even more control over you.  The more fearful you become, the more they will rule by fear, it is as if their power is an aphrodisiac to them.  As a result of the fear you will be subjected to, you will find yourself becoming highly vigilant, nervous and overly sensitive to every threat, walking on eggshells around your captor.  The more insecure you become, the more powerful your narcissist becomes.

Bit by bit you will become isolated from all your supports; your family, friends and colleagues.  The isolation is likely to happen without your realizing it; it may be through covert and overt acts of criticism in an attempt to turn you against the people you are closest to.  Truth is that your narcissist can feel threatened by outsiders influencing you to see through the illusion they have created, so they need to isolate you.  Their behaviour will become so demanding that you will withdraw rather than go through this punishing and tortuous interrogation every time you want to meet up with anybody.  Friends and family tend to become tired of all the excuses you make, and they step back from you.  Before you know what has happened, you are isolated, and job done for the narcissist.

Throughout this crazy behaviour, just to confuse things more, your narcissist switches to being a sweetheart.   You see the person you fell in love with suddenly emerge once again.  You’re beautiful Dr. Jekyll returns, and the evil Mr.(s). Hyde disappears out of sight, and your heart begins to sing once again.  Your guards come down; you move close to your beloved once again, this move towards them melts away all the hatred and frustration you were feeling.  You are filled with hope and a renewed optimism for the future, and you cling on with all of your might.  But this phase does not last for long, and very soon you are back to the downward spiral yet again, and along with the fear comes renewed criticism from an even more enraged Mr(s) Hyde.  It is this duality in the human nature of the narcissist (the “pull and push” behaviour) that leads to the Trauma Bonding (Stockholm Syndrome) and co-dependency needs that is so damaging for the victim.  Whatever caused the change to the narcissist’s behaviour, you can be sure it will be your fault, because your narcissist never ever takes responsibility for their behaviour.  Ultimately you are the blame; somehow you provoked whatever “bad” happens.

 

read more here:-Whether a man or a woman, take care not to give your heart too quickly to a narcissist!

Posted in Adult children of Narcissistic parents, Adult Children of Narcissists, ALIENATION AND THE NARCISSISTIC TOXIC MIX, As Narcissists and narcissistic people age, BEING A CHILD OF NARCISSISTS, COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF TRAITS OF NARCISSISTS, Parental Alienation PA

My Narcissistic Father’s Attempt to Make a Mini-Me

 read the full  story here:- My Narcissistic Father’s Attempt to Make a Mini-Me

Both of my parents are narcissists who divorced when I was six. I resided primarily with my mother and spent every other weekend at my father’s. One Saturday my father arrived unannounced. He had me get in the back seat of his car and said “Here, catch”

An over-sized, leather baseball mitt landed in my lap.

“Uh-oh” I thought.

Back then, my father was a prominent businessman in the town bordering my mothers. So he didn’t take me to little league tryouts where my friends would be. Instead, he took me to the field in the next town over where all his business contacts’ kids were trying out.

See, my father was some hotshot—by his accounts—baseball player in high school and college. Since I was his son, he figured that I’d have the same talent. So he took me to where he could show me off by having his kid mirror his talent. Essentially, he was looking for me to outperform all his friends’ kids so people could see how great he was.

He really should have played at least one game of catch with me first.

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

I’m uneasy with the absolutes in the NPD traits… — To Julia on her 40th Birthday

Okay… It has been a long, long time.. I have written so little probably because putting painful things down on paper sort of sticks them into a cemented reality that you can otherwise ignore or talk yourself out of believing from time to time. After 2.5 years of temporary orders, a trial finally took place. […]

via I’m uneasy with the absolutes in the NPD traits… — To Julia on her 40th Birthday

Getting over Narcissistic Parents

From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown

  • Turns every conversation to him or herself.
  • Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs.
  • Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you.
  • Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you.
  • Focuses on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior.
  • Expects you to jump at his every need.
  • Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions and ignores your needs.
  • Has a high need for attention.
  • Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases and is flamboyant, loud and boisterous.
  • Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off.
  • Becomes angry when his needs are not met and throws tantrums or intimidates.
  • Has an attitude of “anything you can do, I can do better.”
  • Engages in one-upmanship to seem important.
  • Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming.
  • Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him.
  • Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best.”
  • Seeks status. Spends money to impress others.
  • Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today.
  • Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration.
  • Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants.
  • Does not obey the law—sees himself above the law.
  • Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines.
  • Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings.
  • Tells you how you should feel or not feel.
  • Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions.
  • Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours.
  • Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own.
  • Wants to control what you do and say—tries to micromanage you.
  • Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own.
  • Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behavior has on you.
  • Has shallow emotions and interests.
  • Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
  • Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
  • May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children.

(View original source here.)

One thing I “suspect” is that narc dads probably molest their daughters more than other abberant personality types (this is JUST my suspicion so don’t quote me on it.)  It would go along with the 2nd list directly above which includes sexual molestation.  It also fits right in with that sense of entitlement and envy as in “She’s mine and I don’t want any other man touching her so I’ll introduce her to the wonders of my sexual prowess so that she knows what a true master in bed is like” or something equally creepy.

I remember a woman in a church based recovery group back in 1996 and her father had molested her. She is still, to this day, the most wounded human being I’ve ever met and I remember thinking how awful it must have been to have your own father sexually molest you. And I wondered how a woman could ever trust “Father God” coming from that. She didn’t and she was so broken, fearful and wounded.

That was when I found out the word for God “Abba” does NOT indicate male but instead indicates “one who sustains.” If you have a hard time with the idea of a loving father God due to a horrible relationship with your own father, look to God as “Abba” God who loves you and sustains you. God is both male and female and above humanity in every way. This helped me to trust the Lord when I was struggling with issues about my own fathers (all 4 of ’em!) and my prayer is that this helps you too.

The above lists describe characteristics as opposed to delving into specific behaviors.  I highly recommend reading how narc moms act (view here) because I suspect that the behaviors are similar and if you’re trying to figure out if your father is a narcissist, the TYPES of behaviors and words that are probably common for both male narcissists AND female narcissists may help you.

https://postcardstoanarcissist.wordpress.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-fathers/

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How do you survive a narcissist father?

So how do you survive a narcissist father?

Every narcissist is a hero and a legend in his own mind. And, so was Daddy.

  • Get into a good therapy. You want to come to terms with dad for who he is, and how he hurt you. He’ is your father after all, and you will need to differentiate from him in order to enjoy his presence without being undermined. It’s no small task.
  • His arrogance and constant need for ego stroking can be annoying. AcceptDad for who he is. If you put him into place in your mind, he may simply end up being a lovable, but annoying father. Take the best, as long as he doesn’t still have the power to hurt you.
  • Do not let Dad hurt you. If he has a rage attack, you may decide to get in the car and leave. Limits are often a good thing. “Dad, this is not constructive.”
  • Cut ties if it is too toxic or dangerous. Some narcissistic parents have violent or abusive tendencies. It goes along with their self righteousness. You are now and adult. Take care and take caution.
  • Has your Dad affected your dating habits and choices? Some identify with their father by becoming arrogant themselves. Others are anxious in their attachments because they could never trust Dad’s undivided attention. Do you date narcissistic people yourself?
  • Keep your expectations realistic and low. Don’t expect a relationship with a narcissistic person to be based on mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and can’t put your needs on par with their own. As an adult, you can keep these conflicts with your father at a distance; but if you date or marry a narcissist, it probably will wear you out.
  • When you want something from a narcissist, convince them that it will be to their benefit. I am not a big fan of dishonesty, but some people with narcissistic traits can be manipulated. When you want such a person to do something for you, you need to spin it in a way so that your request seems to be to their benefit. This may work with your father and with others too.
  • Never let a narcissist determine your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive information or sharing important achievements because they won’t treat it with the respect it deserves. I have seen this backfire many times.
  • Sometimes compliance is the simplest way to deal with a narcissistic parent. It may sound cheap, but if your father is narcissistic, you may not be interested in cutting him out of your life. He is your Dad, after all. Sometimes, it’s easier, and requires less effort, to comply with most of his wishes. It may not be worth the fight. You are an adult now, and you are not under his roof anymore.
  • Alternatively, you can assert your own authority and challenge his. Narcissists get away with their behavior because others (passively) allow them to. Sometimes, you may need to adopt an authoritative stance – and firmly impress upon him that his demeaning attitude is unacceptable. You are no longer a child, and you are not as vulnerable to his rejection or anger. Be prepared for push back. Narcissistic people HATE criticism.
  • Pity the Narcissist. Arrogance doesn’t really inspire sympathy or compassion. But at the end of the day, when you think about it, you may come to pity someone who is in constant need of compliments, attention and validation. It is freeing.

Appreciate the Healthy Adults Out There:

While it’s hard to grow up unaffected by a narcissistic father, there may have been others who helped you along the way. Looking back on your life, you may identify a grandfather, a grandmother, a coach, a teacher, a therapist or a religious figure who really appreciated you. Maybe, your mother saved the day.

Take in the Good:

I hope you can find the good. There may have been some good in your narcissistic father. Embrace that, while distancing yourself from the rest. Plus, there may have been special men and women in your upbringing – internalize their good. And, there are good people to care about today – bring in this good as well.

Finally, realize the value within yourself. You don’t have to be great to be good enough. That’s an important healing.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201303/the-narcissistic-father

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Son of a narcissistic father

As the son of a narcissistic father you never feel that you can measure up. Dad was so competitive, that he even competed with you. (Or, didn’t pay attention to you one way or the other.) You may have accepted defeat – you’d never outdo your dad. Or, you may have worked hard to beat Dad at his own game just to get his attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. You somehow never feel good enough even when you do succeed, you still feel empty and second rate.

Just like girls need to be adored by their fathers to feel validated, boys also need their dad to believe in them. You may even become a narcissist yourself. This way you get Dad’s attention (after all imitation is the highest form of flattery); and you learn from your old man how to manipulate and use people.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201303/the-narcissistic-father

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Daughters of narcissistic fathers

Daughters of narcissistic fathers often describe feeling “unsatiated” when it to comes to getting what they needed from their fathers. They never got enough and would have to compete with siblings for time with Dad. As a young child, Dad would comment on how beautiful you were. But as you grew older, he would rarely miss out on commenting on weight and attitude. You probably carry these concerns into adulthood, even if you found success. With a Dad like this, it’s never enough. With men (or women), you often feel vulnerable and worried you’ll be dumped for someone else. Anxiously avoiding commitment or taking on the narcissitic role are both natural ways to keep relationships safe; it’s understanble and self protective.(But, you lose.)

A daughter needs her dad’s adoration; it validates her and helps her internalize her specialness. Healthy fathers give their girls that gift. You are special and deserve love, for being you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201303/the-narcissistic-father

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Narcissistic Father

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves”. ~ T.S. Eliot

You used to think that by the time you were in your twenties and definitely by your thirties you’d have your act together – you’d be establishing a successful career, have your own place, be in a committed and stable relationship, visit the gym enough to have the body you always wanted and your social life would be vibrant.

But, you’re nowhere near where you thought you’d be, and the tiny boxes next to the list of achievements that you’d hoped to accomplish are still unchecked.

As your confidence deflates, you look back on your own upbringing, and think about your father – Mr Self-Assured. He seemed to have it all – charm, success, popularity and he never seemed to be plagued by self-doubt, unlike you. He was the hit of the party, knew everyone and made things happen. You couldn’t get enough of him.

How Kids Experience Narcissistic Traits:

Come to think of it, did his confidence border on arrogance? Is it possible that you were raised by someone with narcissistic traits? And if so, why is it important?

We take our families for granted – it’s natural that we do. Each family is a miniature sociological experiment, with its own set of unwritten rules, secrets, and nuanced behavioral patterns. We take our mom and dad for granted; like this must be what it’s like for everyone. Your dad may have been narcissistic, but you just assumed that all fathers were like him.

Here are some signs that your dad had narcissistic tendencies or was an out-rightnarcissist.

  • Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best.
  • Dad used people for his own good. He would take advantage of others, to the point of exploiting them when it suited him. Everybody seemed to cater to him, or at least he expected them to.
  • Dad was charismatic. Everyone wanted to be around him and he relished admiration from others. He loved being in the spotlight and the positive reinforcement that came from being the center of attention.
  • No one had an imagination like Dad. Grandiosity is alluring, and so were hisfantasies of success, prestige, and brilliance. He would often exaggerate his achievements, and his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.
  • Dad didn’t take criticism well. Nothing stung him like criticism; he often cut those people out of his life, or tried to hurt them.
  • Dad’s rage was truly scary. Some people get mad and yell a lot. Dad could hurt you with his anger. It cut to the bone.
  • Dad could be aloof and unsympathetic. Narcissists often have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often disregard and invalidate how others feel. Of course, he was exquisitely sensitive to what he felt, but others were of no mind.
  • Dad wasn’t around a lot. He got a lot of gratification outside the family. Other fathers hung out with their families a lot more. Plus, he craved excitement and seemed to be more concerned by what others thought of him, rather then how his own kids felt about him.
  • Dad did what he wanted when dealing with you. Narcissists don’t step into someone else’s shoes very often. He did things with you that he enjoyed; maybe you did as well.
  • Dad wanted you to look great to his friends and colleagues. You were most important to him when he could brag about you; sad but true.
  • You couldn’t really get what you needed from him. Even if Dad provided on a material level, you felt deprived on a more subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and affection, but would only get it sporadically, and only when it worked for him.

When you go through these traits, some may hit home; while others may not be relevant. Some may ring as very true; while others as less so. This is why narcissitic traits are not synonomous with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The Heuristic Problem of Personality Classification:

Narcissism is not a dirty word, in fact, narcissistic traits are commonly found in most of us. There’s nothing disturbed about that. The other extreme is the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a controversial, but often helpful label. For the record, our diagnostic categories are somewhat arbitrary and lack the veracity of harder medical diagnostic labels like a broken femur or glaucoma. These disorders are easier to document and study.Personality Disorders help us organize our thinking about an individual, but may fall far short of a truthful depiction of a whole complex person.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a person is narcissistic or merely has a healthy self regard. Narcissism isn’t about having high self-confidence; it’s a love for oneself that has morphed into a preoccupation. The term is based on Narcissus, the Greek mythological character who was so infatuated with himself, that it ultimately proved fatal.

Although it’s not actually fatal, narcissism can become so pathological that it satisfies the criteria, however faulty, of a personality disorder. The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as

“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts… as indicated…. by the following”:

  • wanting to be admired
  • having a sense of entitlement
  • being exploitative
  • lacking empathy
  • arrogance

Another characteristic typical of narcissists is a disregard of personal boundaries. Narcissists don’t always acknowledge the need for boundaries which is coupled with their failure to realize that others do not exist merely to meet their needs. A narcissist will often treat others, especially those that are close to him, as if they are there to fulfill his needs and expectations.

Now that you have a firm grasp on what a narcissistic father may be like, let’s take a look at how he might affect his kids. (We will get to narcissistic mothers another time.)

How a Narcissistic Father Can Hurt his Son or Daughter:

Narcissistic parents often damage their children. For example, they may disregard boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding affection (until they perform), and neglect to meet their children’s needs because their needs come first. Because image is so important to narcissists, they may demand perfection from their children. The child of a narcissist father can, in turn, feel a pressure ramp up their talents, looks, smarts or charisma. It can cost them if they fulfill their Dad’s wishes – and it can cost them if they fail. No winning here.

In general, here‘s how a narcissistic father can affect a daughter or son.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201303/the-narcissistic-fatherCloud 11