The narcissist believes his own illusions, and is blind to the fact that others can see through them. For those people who are outside the circle of Narcissistic Supply, they can see the games that are being played, having lost respect for him, they wisely give the narcissist a wide berth. Impervious in his armor of grandiosity, the narcissist blindly lives in his ivory tower, where he believes that he is hugely impressive to everybody. He displays his grandiosity daily in his exaggerated delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence. He is such a megalomaniac, that whatever he talks about, (whether it be work, family, possessions, health, achievements, etc.) he is always the one who is being celebrated, for he is the shining star within all of his stories. Any success another person has in his story is attributed to him; he is the one who takes the responsibility for his family, his home, his company, because everybody else is undependable, uncooperative, or incompetent. Even though he manipulates many people to do things for him, he constantly complains that nobody ever helps him. Having got help from others, he then goes on to denigrate their abilities and contributions. All this is done to inspire more sympathy or admiration for himself, which he craves. If you ever got a chance to visit him in his Kingdom, you would find that everybody around him are not only pulling their weight, but carrying the narcissists share as well. Once you understand the personality you are dealing with, it is easy to see that the narcissist’s addiction to grandiosity is linked with his strong susceptibility to shame. The shame is in relation to failed aspirations and ideals, plaguing and unsatisfactory early object relationships, and narcissistic manifestations with shame at their core. Their inability to process their shame in a healthy way means that they are unable to face up to it, and neutralize it so that they can move on to become a healthier individual. It is this inability that leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behaviour of the Grandiose Narcissist.
read the article here:- The narcissist believes his own illusions
Both of my parents are narcissists who divorced when I was six. I resided primarily with my mother and spent every other weekend at my father’s. One Saturday my father arrived unannounced. He had me get in the back seat of his car and said “Here, catch”
An over-sized, leather baseball mitt landed in my lap.
“Uh-oh” I thought.
Back then, my father was a prominent businessman in the town bordering my mothers. So he didn’t take me to little league tryouts where my friends would be. Instead, he took me to the field in the next town over where all his business contacts’ kids were trying out.
See, my father was some hotshot—by his accounts—baseball player in high school and college. Since I was his son, he figured that I’d have the same talent. So he took me to where he could show me off by having his kid mirror his talent. Essentially, he was looking for me to outperform all his friends’ kids so people could see how great he was.
He really should have played at least one game of catch with me first.
Narcissists are masters of language who use words to deceive, coerce, seduce, and mislead. They have the forked tongue of a viper and have no misgivings when it comes to spouting poisonous, vitriolic abuse at their victims.
Verbal trickery is their preferred method of manipulation and they have a talent for saying the right thing at the right time to confuse, belittle and degrade the other person.
They devalue their victims, purposefully seeking to make them feel worthless so that they may subjugate them to their will. The unrelenting mind games of the narcissist are incredibly damaging to those on the receiving end; they can lead to anxiety, depression, and a whole host of other psychological effects.
read the full article here:- https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/3384/hidden-language-narcissists-manipulate-traumatize-victims/
From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown
- Turns every conversation to him or herself.
- Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs.
- Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you.
- Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you.
- Focuses on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior.
- Expects you to jump at his every need.
- Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions and ignores your needs.
- Has a high need for attention.
- Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases and is flamboyant, loud and boisterous.
- Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off.
- Becomes angry when his needs are not met and throws tantrums or intimidates.
- Has an attitude of “anything you can do, I can do better.”
- Engages in one-upmanship to seem important.
- Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming.
- Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him.
- Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best.”
- Seeks status. Spends money to impress others.
- Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today.
- Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration.
- Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants.
- Does not obey the law—sees himself above the law.
- Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines.
- Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings.
- Tells you how you should feel or not feel.
- Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions.
- Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours.
- Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own.
- Wants to control what you do and say—tries to micromanage you.
- Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own.
- Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behavior has on you.
- Has shallow emotions and interests.
- Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
- Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
- May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children.
(View original source here.)
One thing I “suspect” is that narc dads probably molest their daughters more than other abberant personality types (this is JUST my suspicion so don’t quote me on it.) It would go along with the 2nd list directly above which includes sexual molestation. It also fits right in with that sense of entitlement and envy as in “She’s mine and I don’t want any other man touching her so I’ll introduce her to the wonders of my sexual prowess so that she knows what a true master in bed is like” or something equally creepy.
I remember a woman in a church based recovery group back in 1996 and her father had molested her. She is still, to this day, the most wounded human being I’ve ever met and I remember thinking how awful it must have been to have your own father sexually molest you. And I wondered how a woman could ever trust “Father God” coming from that. She didn’t and she was so broken, fearful and wounded.
That was when I found out the word for God “Abba” does NOT indicate male but instead indicates “one who sustains.” If you have a hard time with the idea of a loving father God due to a horrible relationship with your own father, look to God as “Abba” God who loves you and sustains you. God is both male and female and above humanity in every way. This helped me to trust the Lord when I was struggling with issues about my own fathers (all 4 of ’em!) and my prayer is that this helps you too.
The above lists describe characteristics as opposed to delving into specific behaviors. I highly recommend reading how narc moms act (view here) because I suspect that the behaviors are similar and if you’re trying to figure out if your father is a narcissist, the TYPES of behaviors and words that are probably common for both male narcissists AND female narcissists may help you.
So how do you survive a narcissist father?
Every narcissist is a hero and a legend in his own mind. And, so was Daddy.
- Get into a good therapy. You want to come to terms with dad for who he is, and how he hurt you. He’ is your father after all, and you will need to differentiate from him in order to enjoy his presence without being undermined. It’s no small task.
- His arrogance and constant need for ego stroking can be annoying. AcceptDad for who he is. If you put him into place in your mind, he may simply end up being a lovable, but annoying father. Take the best, as long as he doesn’t still have the power to hurt you.
- Do not let Dad hurt you. If he has a rage attack, you may decide to get in the car and leave. Limits are often a good thing. “Dad, this is not constructive.”
- Cut ties if it is too toxic or dangerous. Some narcissistic parents have violent or abusive tendencies. It goes along with their self righteousness. You are now and adult. Take care and take caution.
- Has your Dad affected your dating habits and choices? Some identify with their father by becoming arrogant themselves. Others are anxious in their attachments because they could never trust Dad’s undivided attention. Do you date narcissistic people yourself?
- Keep your expectations realistic and low. Don’t expect a relationship with a narcissistic person to be based on mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and can’t put your needs on par with their own. As an adult, you can keep these conflicts with your father at a distance; but if you date or marry a narcissist, it probably will wear you out.
- When you want something from a narcissist, convince them that it will be to their benefit. I am not a big fan of dishonesty, but some people with narcissistic traits can be manipulated. When you want such a person to do something for you, you need to spin it in a way so that your request seems to be to their benefit. This may work with your father and with others too.
- Never let a narcissist determine your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive information or sharing important achievements because they won’t treat it with the respect it deserves. I have seen this backfire many times.
- Sometimes compliance is the simplest way to deal with a narcissistic parent. It may sound cheap, but if your father is narcissistic, you may not be interested in cutting him out of your life. He is your Dad, after all. Sometimes, it’s easier, and requires less effort, to comply with most of his wishes. It may not be worth the fight. You are an adult now, and you are not under his roof anymore.
- Alternatively, you can assert your own authority and challenge his. Narcissists get away with their behavior because others (passively) allow them to. Sometimes, you may need to adopt an authoritative stance – and firmly impress upon him that his demeaning attitude is unacceptable. You are no longer a child, and you are not as vulnerable to his rejection or anger. Be prepared for push back. Narcissistic people HATE criticism.
- Pity the Narcissist. Arrogance doesn’t really inspire sympathy or compassion. But at the end of the day, when you think about it, you may come to pity someone who is in constant need of compliments, attention and validation. It is freeing.
Appreciate the Healthy Adults Out There:
While it’s hard to grow up unaffected by a narcissistic father, there may have been others who helped you along the way. Looking back on your life, you may identify a grandfather, a grandmother, a coach, a teacher, a therapist or a religious figure who really appreciated you. Maybe, your mother saved the day.
Take in the Good:
I hope you can find the good. There may have been some good in your narcissistic father. Embrace that, while distancing yourself from the rest. Plus, there may have been special men and women in your upbringing – internalize their good. And, there are good people to care about today – bring in this good as well.
Finally, realize the value within yourself. You don’t have to be great to be good enough. That’s an important healing.
As the son of a narcissistic father you never feel that you can measure up. Dad was so competitive, that he even competed with you. (Or, didn’t pay attention to you one way or the other.) You may have accepted defeat – you’d never outdo your dad. Or, you may have worked hard to beat Dad at his own game just to get his attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. You somehow never feel good enough even when you do succeed, you still feel empty and second rate.
Just like girls need to be adored by their fathers to feel validated, boys also need their dad to believe in them. You may even become a narcissist yourself. This way you get Dad’s attention (after all imitation is the highest form of flattery); and you learn from your old man how to manipulate and use people.