Worth a read. A good article which finally concludes that it’s not always the parents that are to blame but that children can grow up with ‘you didn’t put me first when society tells me I should be the centre of your universe and everyone else’s!’ attitude. Some recognition here that parents do not need more child guidance advice. They need help with coping with the blame their child dishes out.
Another good article written from the perspective of an estranged parent.
SUPPORT AND RESOURCES FOR THOSE GOING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWN
1. Dont marry a lair, thief and a cheat!! I was very young only 18 very naive and stupidly mistook love for pure narcissism.
2. Do not ever allow a residence order if you have married a narcissistic type of personality. If they have lied and cheated on you within the marriage or relationship they are not going to be FAIR when it comes to the children. They will use and abuse. Remember a narcissist is only interested in themselves.
- Get yourself and your children away from the environment asap it is an extremely unhealthy situation for children of any age. I did not, I was trying very hard to keep the family together and exposed them to the horrors of Divorce Poison.
If you find yourself without your children, once you get over the initial shock, put all that energy and anger into something positive. Turn the anger from a negative into a positive. Its amazing what you can achieve!!!
My children have been taught by my ex over the years to respect money – not people – Do not try to buy them – they will be happy to go along with it. I was told by my ex many years ago that everyone has a price. I DO NOT, but children and teenagers are easily persuaded when it comes to gifts and money!!!
6.If you have not seen your children for some time they will become more and more like your partner. Do not expect those innocent children to be the same as when you were altogether.They will have learnt behaviours you may not agree with. Accept the change even if you don’t like it!!
7.You cannot live through your children, create your new individual live. It was going to happen at some stage, its has just happened sooner rather than later.
8.Take up new hobbies, do all those things you have always wanted to do. Spend your hard-earned cash on yourself for a change. Indulge yourself, enjoy it, don’t feel guilty – you have tried your best.
9.Look at all the good things you have in your life,partner, job, parents, brother and sisters, nephews, nieces, health, home and more. Be grateful for what you do have – not what you don’t have.
- Get out there, live life to the full – learn to trust again – you may get lucky and they may come back to you one day.x
Hiding from the TRUTH
Sitting in the garden, sun shining. Cleaner has just been, house is gleaming ready for my friend arriving tomorrow.
Just painting my toe nails ready for a few girly nights out – Party on!
Looking at Buddha for inspiration I had to ask myself many questions:-
- why would my two adult children block me on every social network they belong to but allow total strangers in?
- why would they move house and not tell me where they are?
- why would they not respond to any phone calls or emails?
- why would they not respond to any cards or gifts I had sent?
- why when I did have contact with my daughter was there not a photograph of me in sight?
- why when I asked to see all the family photo’s my daughter said her father had destroyed every single one of them including the baby photos?
- why when I asked my children to try and remember the good times, holidays, Christmas etc they could not recall anything?
- why don’t they contact any their other family members, uncles, cousins aunts?
- why do they hide away like two criminals?
- why when nothing tragic has happened do they behave in this way?
Then I asked myself the same questions:
- My social networks are open for them both to see and contact me.
- I even print my phone number and email address on the front page so they can find me easily
- They can phone me, call me or email whenever they like
- I would at least have the courtesy and good manners to thank them for a gift or card
- I have photos all around my house of my son, daughter and family
- I have a couple of school photos left but sadly nothing to show the grandchildren – no baby photos!
- I have very fond memories of many family holidays and Christmas, no one can take your memories away!
- I contact all of my family and my husbands on a regular basis to enquire how they are
- I do not hide away from anyone! I have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide!
- It is not normal behavior from well-balanced adults!
The only conclusion I can come to is that they are hiding from themselves, their friends and family from the TRUTH!!!!
Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome
1. A Campaign of Denigration Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.
2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.
3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.
4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.
5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.
6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.
7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.
8. Rejection of Extended Family Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.
In a recent study (Baker & Darnall, 2007), targeted parents rated their children as experiencing these eight behavioral manifestations in a way that was generally consistent with Gardner’s theory. Parents reported that their children exhibited the eight behaviors with a high degree of frequency. One exception was alienated children being able to maintain a relationship with some members of the targeted parent’s extended family, which occurred in cases where that relative was actually aligned with the alienating parent. This suggests that the context of the contact with the targeted parent’s extended family (that relative’s role in the alienation) needs to be understood prior to concluding whether this component is present in the child. Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome And How to Counteract Its Effects (2005) By Ludwig.F. Lowenstein Ph.D Southern England Psychological Services
Signs of Parental Alienation (PA)
A number of signs or indicators of alienation can be identified. It should be recognised that not all these signs appear in all cases, they are numerous but many will in fact apply to those who alienate children against the non-custodial parent. This unfortunately tends to be the father rather than the mother although increasingly fathers are employing such techniques against mothers also. Whoever uses alienation procedures or brainwashing to get the child to hate the other parent is clearly in the wrong and is guilty of causing harm to the child in the present and the future. There is considerable research indicating the harm that is done to children who are alienated against a parent when they are young. Increasing research has also shown that when they become adults such individuals suffer retrospectively from the damage done by an alienating parent.
What follows will be a number of signs some of which interact with other items and should be viewed not in isolation but in combination in this complex problem of the alienation process:
Lack of independent thinking from the child imitating the alienator’s thoughts and feelings. Destroying mail or even presents from the alienated parent. (Not that I am aware of) The alienating parent tends to seek to curtail all communication between the child and the alienated parent. The alienated parent is seen as the scapegoat. He or she is blamed for everything that has gone wrong with the child. There is no sense of ambivalence. The child calls the alienated parent a liar and other abusive names similar to the alienating parent. The child insults, shows disrespect, and humiliates the alienated parent often on front of the alienator. Alienated parents are viewed as being despicable, faulty and deserving of being rejected permanently. Parents who alienate children are seducing the child emotionally and will continue to do this while in control of the child, yet they deny that they are doing anything but encouraging the child to make contact with the alienated parent. The child is made to feel guilty for any love shown towards the alienated parent. The child will deny any involvement with the alienated parent, fearful of what the alienator would do to him or her. The child fears rejection by the programmer in case he or she wishes to say good thing about the alienated parent or wishing to be with him or her. The child is owned, controlled, and indoctrinated by the alienating parent. That parent is viewed as all good, all wise, and all powerful by the child who becomes dependent, manipulated by them. There is never questioning that what the parent says or does is always right. The child tends to paraphrase statements used by the alienating parent. The words used are often untypical of words likely to be used by a child. It is very similar to a cult type of indoctrination. The child suffers from paranoia (hatred) inculcated by the alienating parent who promotes attitudes, intentions, and behaviours of a negative nature to the alienated parent. The child will speak about exaggerated or contrived abuse that has been experienced from the alienated parent. The child or alienating parent makes statements insinuating quasi or actual sexual, emotional, and physical abuse suffered by the child. The language comes indirectly from the alienator such as, “he touches me inappropriately,” or “he has penetrated me,” These are all borrowed scenarios from the alienating parent. Children who are alienated no longer know truth from lies. The child who is alienated against the parent will often be alienated against the parent’s family also. The alienator will also poison the child against the therapist unless the therapist supports the alienator. Hence the therapist is seen as an enemy in the same light as the alienated parent. It is not what alienator says but how it is said. For example when telling a child “father would like to take you out,” it can be said with joy and enthusiasm indicating positive expectations or it can be said with venom indicating negative feelings. This is what is predominantly communicated to the child rather than the verbal message. The alienated child tends to see themselves in a very powerful position, especially in the severity of their antagonism shown to the alienated parent. This is all done following the programming by the alienator. Female alienators will often choose female solicitors as they assume they will be able to identify with them better. Female alienators are often angry due to the fact that the alienated individual has a new relationship, while she has not. Some alienators move away from where their ex partner resides in order to make visits difficult or impossible. (This has only been threatened) Sometimes the name of the child is changed to that of the alienator or the next partner to which the alienator has attached him or herself. Frivolous reasons are often given for not wanting to be with the alienated parent. Even when told that if these frivolous reasons were removed the child will often claim they do not wish to be with that parent under any circumstances. The child is encouraged to be with friends or play on video games in preference to being with the alienated parent. A child who had a history of a good, happy and warm relationship with the now alienated parent before separation or divorce will fail to remember events in the past that made them happy. They may be suffering from amnesia of any good events due to the alienation process.
Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome And How to Counteract Its Effects
Ludwig.F. Lowenstein Ph.D
Southern England Psychological Services
Surviving Parental Alienation!!
After 23 years of ongoing Parental Alienation I have learnt a thing or two!!
I have written a few of the things that have helped me on my way to recovery (which is an ongoing process).
I hope this article will help a few of you out their to move onwards and upwards with your survival of PAS.
First of all please, please do not punish yourself. Do not go over and over what you may have done wrong in your mind, torturing yourself and berating yourself for something which is out of your control.You may be feeling like it is the worst thing that someone could possibly ever do to you in your lifetime. But hey, sh** happens!!
Unfortunately very sad uncontrollable things happen throughout our lives, Divorce, Illness, Losing a loved one, financial crisis etc. No one can measure the distress, torment, anguish, sadness etc we experience when going through these tragedy’s, but we survive!!
For me I dealt with the Parental Alienation situation the same as I would for any of the above, I worked through it.
Some of the things you can do to move forward and heal are:-
Talk to a relative, friend, doctor or counsellor, join a support group – You have not done anything wrong.
Speak out – keeping it to yourself and keeping it a secret is like saying – “I am ashamed of myself and cannot discuss it”.Believe me, I kept quiet for many years and it does not help or improve things, it just enables the alienator to carry on regardless without anyone knowing or being aware of whats happening. It’s no different to child abuse, keeping quiet wont stop it!!!!
Stay away from negativity. People who treat you like you are not a good parent, forums and online communities where everyone feels sorry for themselves and they wallow in self-pity.
Avoid Toxic people who just want to blame. Books and journals that delve into what you have done wrong! You have done nothing wrong, it is just another one of those
unfortunate things that happen’s in life and you will survive it!
Take counselling, hypnotherapy or join a support group – letting it out and sharing your experience is the best therapy available. Once your realise you are not alone, and you are not going to die, or have a nervous breakdown, you can start to heal. When you do any of these things you start to look at your situation in a different light which will hopefully help you to move on and enjoy your life once again without ear of alienation.
When the healing process starts then you can really start living again. Spoil yourself, be indulgent, go on that holiday, take up that new hobby you have always wanted to do, go and get pampered.
I found that I discovered many hidden talents and started to look at life from a different perspective when the healing process began.
It took some time but I am a survivor!!!
Life after Parental Alienation
If you had been with a partner for several years and loved that partner dearly and you had bonded together like a unit over the years, would you stay with that person if they betrayed you, if they were unfaithful to you, if they constantly lied to you, if they did some of the things our children have done to us?
- I certainly would not.
I divorced over 24 years ago and the same applies with my children. Why would I put up with unhappiness for years and years.
Just because they are our children it does not mean that we have a duty to take anything that it thrown at us in life, just because they are our children does not give them the right to treat us badly with no love or respect.
I came to this realization after over two decades of Parental Alienation for no apparent reason other than divorcing their father.
Now I have a loving husband, 2 wonderful step children, 2 step grandchildren and one more on the way and I don’t beat myself over not seeing my children anymore. I have a different view on my grandson who is only 12, unfortunately for him he has no choice but to follow his parents for now, but things may change for him in a few years.
In the meantime I am living my life to the full and making the most of the wonderful people I share my life with. It does not matter to me anymore what the relationship is – stepchildren, friends children, or grandchildren, they are all full of love they want to share. That’s what matters!
Who is the Loser?
Woke up this morning happy and positive!
Just thinking about the summer holidays and had a moment of inspiration. Instead of thinking how sad, its the holidays and I will not be seeing my grandchildren I changed the viewpoint!!!
I remember back to the summer holidays over 23 years ago and thought how difficult it was juggling 2 young children, swimming clubs, cinema, McDonalds with washing, cleaning and more. I can recall how exhausting it all was and if only I had some help!!
Eureka!! They think they are punishing us, but are they??
They are really punishing themselves. The children/grandchildren could be with grandma now helping around the house, driving them to see their friends, taking them to the cinema or local leisure centre, and for the more lucky ones, even taking them away on holiday or coming to your home to visit.
So next time you feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for them and their sad little world they have created for themselves just to punish you.
Then ask yourself – Who is the real loser?
How beautifully written from the heart
“For now, my father, and every alienator, you are existing in a swath of protection, in a lie that tells you that you have won, that you are right. But that lie is fragile and weak and thin, and it covers your heart where the truth resides. That is what you don’t know; you don’t know the cost of being right, of winning.
I take comfort in knowing the truth. I have suffered great blows to my sense of self, but I love that I am a truth seeker. I am grateful that I am strong enough to face what is real.
I grew up afraid of you because I didn’t know then how weak and scared you really are. If you allow yourself to break apart, to see the truth, I will not say I told you so. Someday, maybe not in this lifetime, I will see the real you and I will recognize you as love.”
I am sure there are many of us out there that know an alienator similar to this – thank you for speaking your truth
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” -Jesus
I know that no one is born revengeful or angry. I believe that people enter life as love.
I know that you were abused by your father, who was likely abused by his and so on. I know that his words probably did more damage than his fist- the way he told you that you were worthless, incapable, nothing. He didn’t see you, not really. He told you a lie.
I know that he abused your mother, my grandmother. She told me about the time when you were a teen and had enough of his wrath. The time, the hundredth time, he banged his fist and stood up at the dinner table; something trivial triggered his rage and when he leaned toward your mother, you stood to protect her. You ran to grab the ax used for…
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