Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children Paperback – May 3, 2016
While it’s true that many parents of estranged adults have been victimized, that doesn’t mean a parent must remain a victim. This moves us to the third category of coping I’ve created here:Successful participation.
None of these conscious coping strategies is wrong, but consider which one appeals to you.How have you coped in the past? How do you want to cope?
It’s up to each of us to decide whether we will learn to cope in practical ways that help us get past the pain, foster our growth, and advance us forward in our own happy lives.
read the full article on this website:-Are you a victim? Do you want to stay that way?
Family estrangement is the physical and or emotional distancing between at least two family members in an arrangement which is considered unsatisfactory by at least one involved party. Family estrangements can be attributed to any of several factors within the family, such as attachment disorders, differing values and beliefs, disappointment, major life events or change, parental alienation, or poor communication. In one typical scenario, an adult child shuns his or her parents and possibly other family members as the adult child transitions into adulthood. In another scenario, an intolerant parent might cast out an adult child because of life choices. In either case, the family estrangement may create an intergenerational rift that persists for decades and replicates itself in subsequent generations
Stephanie could never have imagined the nightmare that lay ahead when she agrees to leave England and move to Australia with her Australian husband.
Unaware of his double life and the secret plans he has made to isolate her from her family and friends, she is duped into leaving everything she knows, thinking they are embarking on a new start together. But in Australia her husband changes into a controlling stranger before suddenly disappearing, leaving her unaware of the devious plans he has made.
Staying completely invisible he begins a terrifying campaign to force her into such a desperate situation that she will sign everything they own over to him; leaving her destitute and with no way back to England. He nearly cripples her in a boating incident and tampers with her car, forcing her to drive across three lanes of peak hour traffic to avoid a collision. He even destroys her credibility in the eyes of her family. When Stephanie still refuses to give in, he recruits someone else to carry out his plans under the cover of darkness.
Living in the shadows and forced to sleep in her car, Stephanie slowly begins to turn the tables. Then she comes face to face with a staggering revelation that turns her nightmare into reality.
About the Author:
Nina S. Wornham grew up in the Lake District of England and currently lives on the edge of the Cotswolds. She is also writing a novel titled A Devious Truth. Darker Side of the Sun is based upon her own real-life experiences.
Publisher’s website: http://sbpra.com/NinaSWornham
Sitting in the garden, sun shining. Cleaner has just been, house is gleaming ready for my friend arriving tomorrow.
Just painting my toe nails ready for a few girly nights out – Party on!
Looking at Buddha for inspiration I had to ask myself many questions:-
Then I asked myself the same questions:
Thought for today – Any person out there who witnesses PA, estrangement etc (whatever you like to call it) should step out of their comfort zone and tell the alienator of the damage they are doing, not only to the other person, but to themselves and their offspring. Anyone who stands by and says NOTHING is as guilty as those who alienate, they are cowardly and should be ashamed of themselves for witnessing it.!!!!
If you had been with a partner for several years and loved that partner dearly and you had bonded together like a unit over the years, would you stay with that person if they betrayed you, if they were unfaithful to you, if they constantly lied to you, if they did some of the things our children have done to us?
I divorced over 24 years ago and the same applies with my children. Why would I put up with unhappiness for years and years.
Just because they are our children it does not mean that we have a duty to take anything that it thrown at us in life, just because they are our children does not give them the right to treat us badly with no love or respect.
I came to this realization after over two decades of Parental Alienation for no apparent reason other than divorcing their father.
Now I have a loving husband, 2 wonderful step children, 2 step grandchildren and one more on the way and I don’t beat myself over not seeing my children anymore. I have a different view on my grandson who is only 12, unfortunately for him he has no choice but to follow his parents for now, but things may change for him in a few years.
In the meantime I am living my life to the full and making the most of the wonderful people I share my life with. It does not matter to me anymore what the relationship is – stepchildren, friends children, or grandchildren, they are all full of love they want to share. That’s what matters!
Relationships are the dynamic between two people. Relationships take care, upkeep, and resources. However, they are not always easy, and rifts may develop between two people. When this rift grows, and two people grow apart, the relationship becomes estranged.
Estrangement can lead to many relationship consequences, such as separation, divorce, and alienation. Estrangement describes a rift or division that is the result of unmet expectations or other disruptions in a relationship.
Estrangements come in all forms, particularly in families: partner from partner, parent from child, sibling from sibling, grandparent from child, aunt/uncle from niece/nephew, and so forth. Even the best of friends can become estranged from one another because of unmet expectations or other disruptions in the friendship.
There are a number of contributors that may act as a catalyst for an estranged relationship. Unresolved issues with trust, money, safety, emotional abuse, neglect, domestic abuse, anger, child abuse, sexual abuse or incest – all can contribute to two people becoming estranged.
In addition, if one or both of the individuals involved have any of the following personality disorders, there is a greater risk of estrangement occurring:
Read more about Asperger’s Syndrome
Read more about Bipolar Disorder
Read more about Depression
Read more about Borderline Personality Disorder
Read more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Along with individual characteristics, environment can play a factor. Extreme social isolation can lead to estrangement. In particular, social isolation is often key to the control exerted by strict religious sects and cults over their members.
Read more about Social Isolation
Similarly, divorce is another area where estrangement occurs. During a bitter divorce that is full of contention and fighting, it is not uncommon for one parent to become estranged from the children involved. This is known as Parental Alienation Syndrome, and occurs often after a divorce, although it can also be caused by any of the other factors outlined above.
Read more about Parental Alienation Syndrome
You may be estranged from your loved ones because of a fight or disagreement you’ve had. Attachment is often a part of estrangement. Issues with attachment can be expressed in many ways, which may result in an individual feeling the need or desire to fix or resolve conflicts or in individuals feeling that they are misunderstood or looked upon with disapproval.
Estrangement causes a unique form of grief, in that hope is often held out for a reparation in the relationship, keeping the pain and grief current and raw. Further, repeated interactions that follow the same pattern of expectations and ultimate disappointment when those expectations are unmet, keep the grief close at hand.
The first step to healing an estranged relationship is forgiveness. This is a very difficult first step, but holding on to resentment, anger, and hatred does not foster healthy and positive relationships.
After deciding that a relationship is beyond repair, it can be overwhelming and scary to consider reconciling an estranged relationship. The following tips are important when beginning the reconciliation process:
Validating your feelings about the situation is important during the reconciliation process, as a lot of feelings are likely to occur. Recognize that is may be a slow process of building trust and re-learning the other person, and establishing a new relationship.
Focus on the positive and find new ways to establish common ground. Meet in a neutral location, and do not discuss difficult issues.
Repairing an estranged relationship is often very similar to building a new relationship. Do not expect that everything will be perfect right away. There are often setbacks, hiccups, and issues that may need to be navigated throughout the process.
And finally, keep in mind that you are not responsible for the entire relationship, nor can you control the entire relationship.
It only takes a few minutes of googling (a verified verb) to learn about the invalidation of “PAS” and “Parental Alienation Syndrome”.
There are some out there that still want to vehemently argue that there is such a thing. Personally, I can’t disagree that there are behaviors which are meant to denigrate or negatively impact the child’s relationship with the other parent – certainly that part is true.
It is also true, in my opinion, that Richard Gardner, the creator of “PAS” was off his rocker himself. This is the mental health “professional” who coined the term and forced far too many children (one is too many) to live with potentially abusive parents and denied contact with the parent who was accused of alienation. This was his form of “therapeutic intervention”, and if you ask me, it should’ve been called “therapeutic abuse”. While the American Psychiatric Association has discredited the theory and there is no medical or professional association that supports it … its basis and his interventions still have influence in the courtrooms of the world today.
What I find interesting is the corollary between behaviors of a parent who is alienating their child from their other parent, and behaviors of an abusive, personality disordered parent (likely narcissistic).
Behaviors commonly displayed by narcissistic parents, which are meant to alienate the other parent include:
This article reports on a qualitative study of adult children who were estranged from at least one parent. Twenty-six Australian participants reported a total of 40 estrangements. Of these, 23 estrangements were initiated by the participant and 16 were maintained by the participant after being initiated by the parent or occurring after a mutual lessening of contact. Participants reported three core reasons for estrangement: (i) abuse, (ii) poor parenting, and (iii) betrayal. However, estrangement was predominantly situated in long-term perceived or actual disconnection from the parent and family of origin. Most participants had engaged in cycles of estrangement and reunification, using distance to assess the relationship and attend to their own personal development and growth across time. Estrangement was generally triggered by a relatively minor incident or a more serious act of betrayal considered to have been enacted by the parent.