Parental Conflict Alienates, Hurts and Changes Children of Divorce Long-Term
Here are some typical comments to avoid when talking to your children about their other parent:
• Do you hear yourself saying: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”
• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”
• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know, making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?
• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?
• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”
• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?
Continue reading “Parental Conflict Alienates”
Thought for today – Any person out there who witnesses PA, estrangement etc (whatever you like to call it) should step out of their comfort zone and tell the alienator of the damage they are doing, not only to the other person, but to themselves and their offspring. Anyone who stands by and says NOTHING is as guilty as those who alienate, they are cowardly and should be ashamed of themselves for witnessing it.!!!!
“It’s ‘as if’ each family member gets inoculated at the same time for a horrible family disease that’s seriously spread out of control. Each individuals’ inoculation may feel a little uncomfortable at first. However, within a very brief period of time, it provides protection to each person while preventing further harmful parent-parent and parent-child conditions from occurring.”
Pamela: One of the biggest problems is getting the short and long term cooperation of alienators. In severe PAS cases how do you get the alienator to comply with the program? Do court orders help?
see the full article http://www.endparentalalienation.com/End_Parental_Alienation/Why_I_do_not_pathologize_the_alienator-Initially_files/Why%20I%20do%20not%20pathologize%20the%20alienator.pdf
Why I do not pathologize the alienator—-INITIALLY:
Almost as much has been written about alienating parents as has
been written about the PAS child, and the literature is, at best,
confusing and contradictory with respect to their mental status,
their motives for the alienation, their receptivity to treatment, their
ability to put the needs and feelings of their children above their
own, and whether or not it is possible to gain their collaboration in
reversing the PAS. I have found that the motivation for the
alienation varies significantly among those who engage in this
perverse activity. It is so important, therefore, to assess for the
motivations as it is sometimes possible to resolve the underlying
fears and concerns of alienators in co- parenting counseling and
then gaining their cooperation to reverse the PAS. This was the
outcome in approximately 30% of my treatment cases as discussed
in my book.
When I am referred a case by the court or by the lawyer for the
child to do treatment, reunification therapy, and/or assess for the
presence of the PAS, I do not rush to judgment in pathologizing
the parent who is alleged to be alienating. And I always attempt
treatment before making a recommendation for a transfer of
custody. Why? I have discovered in treating these cases during a
period of 17 years that, if cooperation can be gained from the
alienator, the PAS has the best chance of reversal and very swiftly
at that—–sometimes in as few as two or three sessions! However,
if the alienator refused to participate in the therapy and continued
to engage in alienating behaviors, my reunification therapy lasted
upwards of a year or more.
Maladaptive efforts to adjust to remarriage can provoke or exacerbate parental alienation syndrome. The remarried parent, the other parent, the stepparent, and the child each may contribute to the disturbance. Underlying dynamics include jealousy, narcissistic injury, desire for revenge, the wish to erase the exspouse from the childs life in order to make room for the stepparent, competitive feelings between the exspouse and stepparent, the new couples attempt to unite around a common enemy and avoid recognition of conflicts in the marriage, the childs attempt to resolve inner conflict, and parent-child boundary violations. These dynamics are discussed and suggestions for treatment are offered.
Being a partner or husband or wife to someone who is being alienated is a little like watching someone being tortured to within an inch of their lives on some kind of medieval rack. Alienation is a horrible thing to witness in a child and when their behaviours become cruel, cold or mirroring of the parent they are aligned with they can turn into people you wish you could shut the door on forever.
http://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2014/10/11/living-with-an-alienated-parent-lessons-for-husbands-wives-and-partners/ Continue reading “LIVING WITH AN ALIENATED PARENT”
Update 6th July 2020 – No Pity left too much damage to too many people!!!!
Have pity and feel sorry for the alienating parent.
I speak from experience, you do not have to be a psychologist or social worker to work it out. The alienator – (be them a parent, sibling or grandparent) obviously has severe insecurity issues and much emotional baggage.
By alienating a child from people or relatives around them, they feel they are securing their own love from that child – by process of elimination!! If they are the only remaining person in that child’s/adult child’s life the only option for that child (adult child) is to love that remaining person in their life – it’s not rocket science!!! By putting themselves first and depriving the child (children) of loving relatives they are instilling a behavioral habit into that child/adult child for later years. That child, or those children in multiple cases, will grow up thinking it is perfectly normal behavior to alienate people from their lives and will teach their own children the same. Then history goes on and on repeating itself because no one has had the courage or foresight to put that child (those children) first in their life, and do the decent thing and allow that child (those children) to be loved by everyone!!!
I know to suggest pity and sorrow for these types of people sounds like madness, but their lives must be so emotionally disturbed and empty to put their own feelings first, they must feel so much bitterness and anger about something from their past
Maybe we should be trying to help them seek counselling or medical help, not blame them!!! Its never going to happen (6th July 2020) they dont think they have a problem!!!