Posted in Parental Alienation PA

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is living with constant fear

Friendships and relationships are the hardest parts of my life to control. It’s hard to hold yourself accountable for the things BPD causes you to do because you’re never really sure if you’re right or wrong.

Accepting you’re wrong when you’ve put up such a fight to be right hurts. I’ve become aware of my patterns, but it’s been a life-long journey.

The relationships I’ve had in my life are very intense.

In most cases, I had this need to spend a lot of time together. If I’m not spending most of my time with my friend or significant other, I immediately believe he or she will abandon me. I couldn’t stop thinking I’d be replaced by someone better.

This fear physically hurts me. My eyesight gets blurry, my head starts to tighten, my heart starts racing and I can barely open my mouth to speak. Dealing with this fear is a battle I’m still fighting.

Another painful part of BPD is the way I treat other people. I can go from appreciating people to completely devaluing them.

Sometimes, I’ll find reasons to believe the other person doesn’t care enough about me or give enough to me.

I can be very mean to the people I care about the most. I never realize what I’m doing until it’s too late, and then I’m stuck with guilt.

I create an outcome I try to prevent. In the moment, I feel right. My actions feel logical, and my emotions feel appropriate.

I push people away, and then I wonder why they leave. Monitoring my behavior takes a lot of effort, and it’s sometimes very painful.

In my current relationship with my boyfriend, I’ve made myself accountable to him. I’ve made him aware of my disorder so he can help when my BPD starts to control my emotions and actions within the relationship.

Because I fear abandonment, I instinctually don’t trust anyone. I’m 23 years old, and I have yet to give my trust to anyone outside of my family.

I don’t know what it’s like to trust my best friend. I don’t trust my boyfriend, even though he’s more than deserving of my trust.

My mind is always on alert and overprotecting me. I pick at every detail or every word until I find a reason to worry.

I don’t do it on purpose. My automatic instinct is to protect myself from people, no matter who they are.

People can’t get too close because there’s always the chance they could be the ones to prove me right.

taken from

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

Aggression and Transference in Severe Personality Disorders

by Otto F. Kernberg, M.D.

Studies of patients with severe personality disorders and of children at high risk for psychopathology have shown growing evidence that early exposure to violence as well as physical, psychological and sexual abuse, particularly incest, are significantly more frequent in their background than in those with milder personality disorders and the population at large (Paris 1993). Yet, evidence is also increasing that abnormality of neurochemical and neurohormonal systems may be related to significant aspects of personality pathology, particularly proneness to aggressive and reckless behavior, pointing to the importance of genetic and constitutional determinants of what is somewhat loosely called “temperament” (Stone 1993). Accepting in theory the possibility that both genetic and constitutional factors and environmental and psychodynamic factors may play roles, the question remains how to conceptualize aggression and understand its involvement in the development of severe psychopathology.

I proposed in earlier work (1992) that affects are instinctive components of human behavior, that is, inborn dispositions that are common to all individuals of the human species. I proposed that they emerge in the earliest stages of development and are gradually organized as part of early object relations into gratifying, rewarding, pleasurable affects or libido as an overarching drive, and into painful, aversive, negative affects which are organized into aggression as an overarching drive. Within this conceptualization, affects are inborn, constitutionally and genetically determined modes of reaction that are triggered first by various physiological and bodily experiences, and then by the development of object relations from the beginning of life on.

Rage, within this conceptualization, represents the basic affect of aggression as a drive, and the vicissitudes of rage explain, in my view, the origins of hatred and envy, as well as of anger and irritability as moods. Similarly, the affect of sexual excitement constitutes the core affect of libido, which slowly and gradually evolves out of the primitive affect of elation. Elation is produced by the infant’s early sensual responses to intimate bodily contact with mother.

The proposed theoretical reformulation of the relationship between affects and drives in psychoanalytic theory permits conceptualizing the constitutionally given and genetically determined disposition to intense activation of aggression expressed by means of temperament, that is, the inborn disposition to intensity, rhythm and thresholds of aggressive affect activation. In this connection, cognitive deficits, minimal brain dysfunctions that interfere with the organization of perceptive stimuli and that facilitate the activation of anxiety under conditions of uncertainty, also may contribute to pathological affect activation. A limited capacity for time appraisal and spatial organization, for example, would increase an infant’s sensitivity to separation from mother. Most importantly, traumatic experiences, such as intense and chronic pain, physical and sexual abuse, as well as severe pathology in early object relations would operate through the activation of aggressive affects determining the predominance of overall aggression over libidinal striving, resulting in conditions of severe psychopathology. In short, the artificial separation of nature ver-sus nurture can be reconciled by a concept of drives that considers their constituent affect dispositions as their structural underpinnings.

I assume that from the onset of object relations the experience of the self relating to an object during intense affect states generates an intrapsychic world of affectively invested object relations of a gratifying and aversive quality. The basic psychic experiences that will constitute the dynamic unconscious are dyadic relations between self-representation and object representation in the context of extreme elation or rage. Symbiotic states of mind-that is, experiences of elation within which an unconscious fantasy of union or fusion between the self and object crystallize-are easily associated with the psychic implications of the baby satisfied at the breast and the baby’s elation when in visual contact with mother’s smiling face. That states of intense rage also imply an experience of fusion between self and object under the control of such an intense aversive affect is a conclusion derived from the transference analysis of patients suffering from severe psychopathology characterized by intense aggression.

read more here

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

What causes borderline personality disorder?

At present, it is not known precisely what causes BPD. Experts believe it is likely that the condition arises through a combination of factors; it appears that people can be genetically predisposed to developing BPD, with environmental factors increasing the risk.

Three factors have been identified as being likely to play a part in the development of BPD:

  • Genetics: studies of twins with BPD suggest that a predisposition to the condition is inherited. Research has also shown that certain personality traits such as impulsiveness can also be inherited.
  • Environmental (social) factors: unstable family relationships, child abuse and neglect have been associated with an increased risk of BPD. Poor judgement regarding lifestyle choices can also be a risk factor.
  • Brain abnormalities: BPD has been associated in studies with changes to certain parts of the brain involved in the regulation of emotion. Improper functioning of certain brain chemicals involved in mood regulation, such as serotonin, may also be involved in BPD.

There is also an established link between BPD and other mental disorders. Many people with BPD have an immediate relative that has a mental illness. Related disorders that people with BPD and their relatives are more likely to develop include ADHD,bipolar disorder, depression and schizophrenia.

Posted in Alienation

Alienator Personality Disorders, Malicious Intent, And Manipulation Are Key Tools

Certain Alienator Personality Types Lead To Parental Alienation

I lost my oldest daughter when she was 14.  For over ten years I have been haunted by the inability to understand why I lost her and how abusers perpetrate alienation.   She is now in her mid 20’s and, although I sometimes still blame myself I have always known that the real story is a mystery tied to my ex-husband and his overt, malicious campaign to promulgate revenge against me.  His success is reflected in her penchant for sending emails  reminding me how completely she has rejected me and how deeply she hates me.  At one point she even threatened to seek a restraining order if I continued to try to contact her.

I recently received an email with a long list of reasons justifying her shutting me out of her life.  I was astounded that almost all the accusations were complete fabrications totally detached from reality.  I was equally astounded by the passion with which she wrote.  And, I realized that she truly believed her fantasies.  But, then I realized her words were really her father’s.  She had totally lost herself to hispathological narcissism, his nonsensical need for revenge, and his overwhelming compulsion to hurt me. I also came to realize that Parental Alienation will be successful if perpetrated by a certain alienator personality type.

Now, ten years later I have lost my youngest daughter and I am experiencing the same process of denigration.  As I have tried to fight back I have learned a great deal about how spouses and ex-spouses perpetrate Parental Alienation but perhaps the most important but elusive piece of the puzzle has been beyond my grasp.  The missing piece is an explanation of exactly how the alienator personality successfully conditions  children to become tools of his abuse.  What are the mechanisms used to cause loving children to turn so completely to hate?

The three topics introduced below and linked to more comprehensive descriptions may be helpful in understanding the alienation mechanisms. Also, psychological disorders are consistently persistent in an alienator personality.

Cult Leadership

Steven Hassan is an escapee from the psychological hold of Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church cult.  In describing how he first became a “Moonie” he wrote that a person doesn’t just go out and join a cult.  Rather, you come in contact with some members and slowly get sucked in until the charismatic leader closes the deal. I found that qualities found in cult leaders are pervasive in the alienator personality.  Read more about how a cult leader mentality can perpetrate parental alienation.

“Charismatic Authority”

The great sociologist, Max Weber, coined the term Charismatic Authority.  It develops from a set of unique personality characteristics that define the relationship between  leaders and their followers.  The unique personality traits inspire certain vulnerable individuals who become obedient followers. Today, we tend to think of  charisma  as a good personality trait but Weber believed that individuals derived their Charismatic Authority not because  they are kind but because their followers view them as almost superhuman.  It is not coincidental that people with  Charismatic Authority tend to also  display very powerful traits of Narcissism. Click on the link to read more about how people with Charismatic Authority can perpetrate parental alienation.


Brainwashing is a term that we tend to use loosely when referring to a severe form of influencing a person’s set of values and beliefs. Initially,  it seems to fit well with a description of how a person can perpetrate parental alienation.  But, there are some problems.  There is no doubt that the alienator influences change in the attitudes and beliefs of the child but most definitions of brainwashing involve isolation of the victim and/or either real or threatened physical coercion.  It is difficult to determine the extent to which either technique may play in a child’s alienation but there are enough relevant threads to investigate how brainwashing may be used in  parental alienation.