What do you do when your adult alienated child is so badly affected by the trauma of many years of Parental Alienation?
When they have become a replica of the Alienator?
When they are so full of hate, and toxicity runs through their veins.
How do you help a severely Alienated Adult Child?
YOU DON’T – YOU CAN’T – YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE READY TO SEEK HELP!
You will end up emotionally and financially drained and exhausted trying to get them to change.
They will not recognize they have a problem until disaster strikes.
They have been living this way for many years, imitating their Alienating Parent.
This is normal behavior to them.
Damaged but repairable when they are ready to seek help.
You have to learn to accept what you cannot change, you cannot change the Parental Alienators behavior, so why do you think you can change your adult alienated child’s behavior?
I have asked myself this question so many times recently, now I have the answer.
Change the way I react, change the way I respond.
Linda – Always by your side
Would you like help?
Would you like to speak to someone in confidence?
Dont be surprised if the adult alienated child goes through life alienating brothers, sisters, anties, uncles, grandparents and even their own children.
YES – EVEN THEIR OWN CHILDREN!!!
I know this seems absurd but they have been raised by an alienator and have been taught how to cut themselves off from family and friends. They have learnt that it is quite acceptable to alienate anyone out their lives who does not live by their rules.
- Its ok to be rude, abusive and tell lies, after all its been acceptable for many years throughout their own childhood.
- So when the alienated adult child lies to the alienator and anyone else who stands in their way they wont think there is anything wrong with their behavior.
- When an alienated adult child demands money from you, remember that’s what they have been observing from their alienating parent for many years.
- When they manipulate you to do something you are not comfortable with, again they have had expert teachers in the art of manipulation.
The list goes on and on, taught behavior which has been encouraged and acceptable for many years and will probably continue to do so for many more. I talk from experience over 30 years!
So stop trying to fight against it.
Stop hoping people will change.
Stop upsetting yourself over their behavior.
Start with finding new ways to handle their behavior.
Start with responding in a different way.
Stop wishing and start living.
I was the child of two parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) growing up. My mother had BPD and my father had BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They were both alcoholics. Both were highly invalidating and emotionally unavailable. They worked and had some functionality but drank every night and weekends. They were both fairly angry to outrightly raging often. The only person they regularly raged at was me. Once in a while my younger brother would catch part of their rages but I was the one they chose to be the container of all the emotions they were dissociated from – their pain – pain that was only expressed as rage.
For more go to: ajmahari.caAdult-children of a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder, whether or not you are also diagnosed with BPD often have profound scars from childhood that have lasting consequences. Understanding more about rage in your borderline parent and the different ways it can manifest is important. Under the central core wound of abandonment that is a consequence of, among other things, the abandoned pain of BPD there is such pain from theshame of that abandonment that rage is not only a common response but a necessary one. Most adult children of a borderline parent, have in one way or another suffered greatly due to the rage and anger of the borderline parent’s anger/rage whether it is obviously shown or not.
Adult Children of Those with Borderline Personality
An examination of adults who have been manipulated by divorcing parents.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) occurs when divorcing parents use children as pawns, trying to turn the child against the other parent. This book examines the impact of PAS on adults and offers strategies and hope for dealing with the long-term effects.
One area of keen interest for divorced fathers is how alienated children reunite with the parent who was the target of the Parental Alienation campaign. Sadly, sometimes this reunification never occurs. Many times it does, but only years later. A few years ago I did a His Side with Glenn Sacks show called Hope for the Holidays: Spontaneous Reunification, in which I discussed this issue. One of my guests was Allen Green, author of Blind Baseball: A Father’s War. Green has experienced PAS and reunification firsthand, and he had some interesting advice. I don’t have the exact quote, but he basically said, “Don’t destroy yourself. It’s very, very hard, but if you’re the target parent of Parental Alienation, play for the long haul. Remember you still have the kids as adults, plus you have grandchildren. Fight the best you can, but always keep the long-term in mind–sooner or later, the children usually come back.” In Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind, Amy J.L. Baker details many of the reunions between children and their alienated parents, and delineates some common scenarios under which this occurs. One of Baker’s reunification scenarios is not a happy one–the adult child reunites with the alienated parent because they now themselves have experienced Parental Alienation as a parent, and see through the lies they were fed as a child. I’ve previously discussed the case of David, one of the adult children of Parental Alienation who Baker interviewed–David’s parents divorced when he was six, and he who was caught in his mother’s long-term alienation campaign against his father. (To learn more about David’s case, click here andhere). David only began to gain insight into the way he had been misled when, in his 20s, he himself divorced and his ex-wife turned his daughter against him. Of his divorce, David explains: “Initially there was some problems with the parenting time but then I was always able to get things worked out. I started keeping pretty good notes so that if I had to go back to court I would be prepared. When we did go back to court they would slap my wife”s hand and I would see my daughter for a while until the next time. I noticed this from an adult perspective and I started to remember things that had happened to me and there started to become a number of similarities. For example, little instances would happen (between he and his daughter) and they would be blown up way out of proportion and out of context and then I wouldn”t be able to see my daughter. I started to see too many similarities. And actually my current wife started to say that I should get back in touch with my dad and then I called him up and made arrangements to get together.’ David had seen his mother employ the same tactics when he was a kid, and began to see that his negative feelings about his dad had largely been created by his mom. He contacted his father, for the first time in decades. He explains:“It went pretty well actually. I called him up and introduced myself and he said, ‘Fine. Great.” We talked for a while and made arrangements to meet for lunch and we went there and we sat and talked and ate lunch and really things couldn”t have gone smoother. We talked a little bit about that (the alienation) but never really in detail like maybe we could have because I never really felt like we had to.’Sadly, to date David has been unable to reunite with his own daughter, who is now 25, and who he has not seen in over 10 years. He says: “While she was in high school I would go to ball games where she would be a participant and I would send her letters. I would go to parent-teacher conferences and I would go to the school once every couple of weeks and pick up classroom assignments and get copies of grade cards if they didn”t send them to me. When she got into college she went out of state several states away and about once a quarter I would send a big package. I would include some of her things that she left at the house and then I would include a check, a very respectable amount of money and the check would be cashed within a day or so without any thank you or anything. After about a dozen of those checks I guess when she was into her junior year at college I stopped doing that. I made some effort. I thought I tried to balance not being overbearing but yet still trying to let her know I loved her. I took a lot of photographs when she was little and I made duplicates of the photographs and I made a binder. “At one time there must have been 20-30 pages of pictures and I sent that to her. In my case even though I was an adult it was still taboo to have any contact with my father and now I am seeing something similar with my daughter. I have taken a different approach than my dad took but it is not working either. My dad laid back and waited for the kids to come to him and in my case I am trying to reach out but not to the point of being intrusive; my intention is to reach out a bit but that is not working either. Nothing would please me more then for her to call or show up at the door or e-mail. That would tickle me to death.’
Based on interviews with 40 adults who believe that — when they were children — they were turned against one parent by the other, “Adult children of parental alienation syndrome,” describes the experience of being an alienated child from the inside and explains how it is possible that a child can reject one parent in order to please the other.
The book describes different familial patterns of parental alienation, compares alienation to a cult, explains how it is a form of emotional abuse, details the different catalysts to having the realization that one is an adult child of PAS, and describes the painful long-term consequences.
The books also offers advice for parents and for mental health professionals working with populations affected by the issue of parental alienation.