Posted in Abandoned Parents, Parental Alienation PA

Why DO so many children abandon parents in their darkest hour?

Why DO so many children abandon parents in their darkest hour? After Sir Ian Botham admits he didn’t visit his dementia-stricken father, one writer asks the painful question

  • Rebecca Ley’s father suffered from dementia
  • She stood by him till the end, even when he didn’t seem to recognise her
  • But Ian Botham said he didn’t visit his dad when he had Alzheimer’s
  • He didn’t want to see him when he’d lost his mind
  • Wanted to remember him as he was in his prime

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2642006/Why-DO-children-abandon-parents-darkest-hour-Im-stunned-Ian-Botham-didnt-visit-dementia-stricken-father.html#ixzz49kagRI9c
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Posted in Adult Child Estrangement, Deciding to Make Contact with the Estranged Person, Estranged Adult Children - The Heartbreak & Sorrow, Estranged Adult Children Part 1 of 2, estranged parent., Estrangement, Estrangement & Being Cut Off, ESTRANGEMENT FROM ADULT CHILDREN, Family Estrangement, Parental Alienation PA, parents of estranged adult children

If I’m no longer a mother, then what am I?

by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

It’s a question I hear often after an adult child’s estrangement. Among the more than 9,000 mothers who have answered my survey for parents of estranged adult children, or reached out in site comments or in emails, hundreds ask the same or a similar question.

Even the busiest mothers go out of their way for their adult children. Sometimes, mothers even say their lives revolved around them, as if they’ve been on-call.

For some, the question has layers of complexity that make the situation even more heartbreaking. Like when grandchildren are involved, which makes the loss even more cruel and sad.

Grandmothers picture the sweet, innocent faces of the grandchildren their estranged son or daughter has ripped away, and worry what awful picture is being painted about them. That they’re crazy? Or worse, that they don’t care? Those women may ask, if I’m no longer the devoted grandmother, always there and ready to help, then who am I?

read the full answer to this question and many more on this website:- http://www.rejectedparents.net/category/answers-to-common-questions/

Posted in the depths to which Parental Alienators will sink to in order to 'win'

The depths to which Parental Alienators will sink to in order to ‘win’

My main interest in Parental Alienation Syndrome has come about through the hard issues of experiencing it first hand and the devastating effects it has had on not only my daughter as an alienated mother, but also her other children, my grandchildren. I have witnessed first hand the depths to which Parental Alienators will sink to in order to ‘win’. I’ve been driven to the dge by a court case that saw charges brought against me by the alienator in this story and his girlfriend, how he managed to lie his way through it all, and how he has convinced many professionals and people who we used to consider friends who should have known better that he is the ‘good guy’ in all of this and that my daughter has deliberately abandoned her children without a backward glance. Meanwhile abuse that has been reported goes uninvestigated and the parental rights of my daughter are being blatantly ignored and cast aside by Perth and Kinross Council. I do not claim to be an expert on PAS. I do claim to know what it is like to be on the recieving end of an alienators ruthless and abusive attacks on me as a person and to understand the devastation that PAS leaves in its wake. I know of and fully understand the frustration of trying to get someone in authority to listen and actually believe what you are saying. When someone tells you they would rather kill themselves and their children rather than allow access to their mother or hand them back to their mother, you expect people to sit up and take notice, or to at least listen to your concerns in a manner that is honest and open. I’m sad to say that it no longer surprises me to read of children being murdered by those who are supposed to be caring for them, and as a society we will never learn from these mistakes. Until those who are in such professions as Childrens Services actually sit up and take notice of what is being said to them, things will always remain like this. I am not tarring ALL Social Workers with the same brush. My sister has been one for 27 years and has supported and guided me through some of this maze. But what she has shown me is that not all Social Workers want to listen, and not all Social Workers want to believe that YOU as a Joan Bloggs right off the street, without any University Degree in this field, might actually have a clue about what they are talking about, and hell mend you if you happen to know your rights! My experience, and that of my daughter with our local Social Work and Education Department here in Perth and Kinross has been abysmal to say the least. At every turn we have been blocked, been told that such things as the UN Conventions of the Rights of the Child does not apply to their office, we’ve been continually swatted away like flies, only to keep returning to what some may call the same old ‘merde’ day after day, weeek after week. We see no real end in sight, because until someone actually does listen and take into account the existence of my daughters Parental Rights and the Rights of my Granddaughters to be heard and believed, then we will continue. As grandparents we have no rights, and legal redress takes an eternity and costs an arm and a leg, but as a mother I have every right to stand up and protect my own children and their rights to a fair and just hearing. This is why I have created GNAT, because it is not only the parents who are alienated, but the wider family are also alienated, thus denying the children of such families the right to a whole family life.

http://gnat.wtf/author/grandma/

Posted in Three-part guide to 'Going to Court'

Three-part guide to ‘Going to Court’

Our three-part guide to ‘Going to Court’ covered all the issues you might experience throughout the court process. Many people experience issues after a court order has been made – and this guide “After the Initial Court Order” is aimed at helping you through difficulties following a court ruling.

Breaches of Court Orders

It is always important to keep a record of any breaches of a court order, however minor. Whilst it may not seem important at the time that a payment was a couple of days late or a couple of pounds short, these minor breaches all add up. A series of minor breaches on top of a more major breach of an order (such as a payment missed altogether) may be the evidence that makes a difference between a judge just giving your ex partner ‘a telling off’ and be told not to breach the order again, and the judge altering the order (to reduce contact or make them pay a month in advance).

You can keep a record however you like really, as long as you keep it safe. Below are a couple of popular choices:

  • Quick typed word document saved in a separate file on your computer
  • A small pocket diary kept just for the purposes of recording breaches

It is also important to keep track of any communication with your partner, even if it is just a ‘courtesy call’ in which there were no disagreements or agreements made. This will enable you to easily refer to exactly what was said (particularly if in person or over the phone) at a later date.

Your diary entries / notes don’t have to be long.

For Example: 21/08/12 – Mark dropped Katy off at 8pm as agreed. He said she had been out with her friends at the shops all afternoon and had not had tea.

It is also worth if anything is agreed (in person or over the phone) to confirm this in writing (email is fine) with your ex partner. They do not have to reply, but they have then had the option to object if this was not their recollection of the situation.

Police Involvement in Court Order Breaches

The police generally won’t get involved in breaches of court orders as it is a matter for the court to deal with. Even if your ex partner keeps your children for an extra couple of nights than they are meant to, this is not a matter for the police as the children are safe with someone who has parental responsibility. (Also consider whether you would want to upset your children by having the police come into the house and drag them away from your partner.)

If your ex partner repeatedly or seriously breaches the court order, you can apply to the courts to enforce the order. All contact orders after 2008 contain a warning about what could happen if an order is breached. If your order is breached, you need to ensure that you have an attached warning notice. You can then apply for enforcement of your order. The police will then only become involved if there are repeated serious breaches and the court punishes your ex partner via community service (or, in rare cases, imprisonment).

The police will not immediately get involved in enforcing a court order relating to children if they are with someone with parental responsibility, even if you make allegations of abuse. The correct procedure should you wish to make allegations of abuse is to make an emergency (same day) application to the courts. The police may then be used to enforce that court order, accompanying a Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) officer to remove children from a party’s care.

Applying For a Change of Contact Arrangements

Clearly the easiest way to agree contact arrangements is between you and your ex partner, clarifying arrangements in writing. If this is the case and you wish to change your contact arrangements, you can simply ask to have a discussion with them and set new arrangements.

If however you have a court order detailing your contact arrangements, changing them is a little more tricky and you may need to apply to the courts again; a costly and lengthy process. The best way to deal with a change in arrangements, even if you currently have a court order is:

  • Talk to your ex partner and explain what you want to change and why. If it works out better for both of you they might not object.
  • Go your solicitor and draft a letter to your ex partner setting out the arrangements you wish to change in a more official manner on their letterhead.
  • If neither of the above has settled matters, apply to the courts to decide your contact arrangements again.

Going back to court takes time and money, so it is important to consider a) how important it is that you make changes to the current arrangements (especially if they work) and b) how major are your changes. If your changes are purely for convenience, but can still work now, then it is really not cost effective to take your ex partner back to court if they won’t agree to them. Equally if your change is to which evening you have the children (e.g. Weds / Thurs) or what time they are returned (1pm / 2pm), there is also little point in taking this matter to court.

Remember the No Order Principle: the courts will not make an order, if the position is no worse if they don’t make an order than if they do.

You should always aim to work together as parents and be reasonable. If you are on the receiving end of a request to change arrangements, consider if the request is reasonable and what effect it would have on you. If for example it is a change of day when you would be in all week anyway, then why object; objecting just to annoy your ex partner is never advisable as, like it or not, you have a long-standing relationship with them (until your child is 18!)

Parental Alienation

In some cases the child may state that they do not want to have any contact with the non resident parent, this is sometimes due to the fact that the resident parent has alienated the child from the other parent. This is known by some as parental alienation, this is a controversial pathological ailment most commonly claimed during divorce or separation of parents. Symptoms of parental alienation are expressed as unjustified extreme hatred for one parent.

Parental alienation remains a controversial condition in both the legal and medical professions, as similar symptoms can easily be brought on by negative comments by the other parent, or a child blaming one party (particularly if they were unfaithful) for the relationship breaking down.

Proving it in Court

Generally legal advice would always be not to plead parental alienation in court. Judges like evidence based submissions, so if you are claiming a medical (psychological) condition, the judge will want to see a medical report to prove this. This is not the sort of report a regular GP would be able to give, so would be expensive to obtain, and many medical professionals (much like with conditions such as ME) don’t recognise it as a “real” medical problem.

The best way to effectively plead parental alienation would be to produce evidence in court of your child’s behaviour being unsubstantiated or unreasonable. You essentially want the judge to give the wishes of your child (one item on the welfare checklist) little weight. You are far more likely to achieve this by demonstrating how good a parent you are and your closeness with your child before the separation to show how their sudden hatred is irrational. Often mention of “parental alienation syndrome”, a condition proposed by controversial American psychiatrist Richard Gardner, will damage an otherwise valid point.

SUMMARY:

  • Parental Alienation Syndrome is highly controversial
  • Many medics and lawyers do not accept it exists
  • You are more likely to succeed by proving that behaviour is irrational / influenced by the other party using evidence

Applying For a Change of Contact Arrangements

Clearly the easiest way to agree contact arrangements is between you and your ex partner, clarifying arrangements in writing. If this is the case and you wish to change your contact arrangements, you can simply ask to have a discussion with them and set new arrangements.

If however you have a court order detailing your contact arrangements, changing them is a little more tricky and you may need to apply to the courts again; a costly and lengthy process. The best way to deal with a change in arrangements, even if you currently have a court order is:

  • Talk to your ex partner and explain what you want to change and why. If it works out better for both of you they might not object
  • Go your solicitor and draft a letter to your ex partner setting out the arrangements you wish to change in a more official manner on their letterhead
  • If neither of the above has settled matters, apply to the courts to decide your contact arrangements again

Going back to court takes time and money, so it is important to consider a) how important it is that you make changes to the current arrangements (especially if they work) and b) how major are your changes. If your changes are purely for convenience, but can still work now, then it is really not cost effective to take your ex partner back to court if they won’t agree to them. Equally if your change is to which evening you have the children (e.g. Weds / Thurs) or what time they are returned (1pm / 2pm), there is also little point in taking this matter to court.

Remember the No Order Principle: the courts will not make an order, if the position is no worse if they don’t make an order than if they do.

You should always aim to work together as parents and be reasonable. If you are on the receiving end of a request to change arrangements, consider if the request is reasonable and what effect it would have on you. If for example it is a change of day when you would be in all week anyway, then why object; objecting just to annoy your ex partner is never advisable as, like it or not, you have a long-standing relationship with them (until your child is 18!)

SUMMARY:

  • Only resort to changes through the courts if you have to
  • If changes are opposed consider carefully whether they are strictly necessary before applying to the courts

Sample Letters

We’ve produced 10 sample letters to help you communicate with your ex and with the various authorities to help you achieve a positive outcome with any issues relating to your children. You find them here:

After court letters part one.

After court letters, part two.

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/after-initial-court-order.html

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

This interview is focused upon the experience of alienation and aims to raise awareness

This interview is focused upon the experience of alienation and aims to raise awareness of the appalling impact of living with the loss of a child. Others will focus upon understanding, coping and healing and will be based upon the book which will also be ready for launch in September.

Please be warned that this podcast is incredibly powerful in terms of the reality of living with the loss of a child through parental alienation. This mother has lived with the loss for a long time and has done some amazing work in the face of that loss to raise the awareness of the problem globally. We are grateful to her for sharing her experience and we stand with her in her continued determination to stay healthy and well so that when her children are freed from the psychologically and emotional abuse they have suffered, she will be in a good place to help them to heal.

As you listen you should be aware that this is an ordinary mother, this case is an ordinary case. These children were in a loving relationship with their mother and they were systematically turned against her by a determined and vengeful father. As such this is something that could happen to anyone, mother or father, should they have children with someone who is unwell, angry or stuck in a pattern of revenge. In this case the court had no power to do anything to change the children’s mindset, even though their mother begged for help when it was clear that her youngest child was also being alienated. The court is no place for families like this, where mental health experts are needed and clear understanding of the intolerable pressures upon children in some separated families are urgently required.

This is not something that is happening to someone else, if you are going through family separation, this could happen to you. Spread the word, make people listen to this, let’s begin to raise the stakes so that what is happening to our children in the family courts all over the world is heard and understood.

It is time to be the change we want to see in the world of family separation.

https://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2015/08/26/living-with-the-state-aided-loss-of-a-child-this-could-happen-to-you/

https://soundcloud.com/living-losses/150425-005-edit

Cloud 11

Posted in Traumatized Teens

Traumatized Teens

As a consequence of the epidemic of divorce that has swept the nation in recent decades, millions of young Americans have seen their parents’ marriage torn apart and have then found themselves incorporated into a new stepfamily.  The emotions that adolescents experience during this two-step process recently received attention from researchers at Pacific University and Reed College.  Their findings are sobering evidence that the members of the younger generation pay a high price for their parents’ marital failures and remarriages.

After conducting a series of in-depth interviews of adolescents affected by parental divorce and re-marriage, the Pacific and Reed scholars are able to identify some common themes.  The researchers limn “two recurring reactions” to the first event of interest (namely, parental divorce): “[1] largely suppressed feelings over the loss of the biological family, and [2] frustration over the disruption in life by the divorce.”

A somewhat more complex tangle of emotions emerges in adolescents’ characterization of their parents’ remarriage and of their own lives as part of a new stepfamily.  The researchers acknowledge that the teens in their study do recognize some “positive aspects of their stepfamily situation”—including “increased material resources, a bigger house, and more gifts on holidays.”  However, the researchers see “a preponderance of distress” in teens’ descriptions of stepfamily formation.  In surveying the “numerous themes of distress and struggle” in these descriptions, the researchers highlight three: “[1] losses in relationships, privacy and space, resulting in sadness, resentment and anger; [2] powerlessness in their tumultuous lives; and [3] confusion and feelings of being overwhelmed by all the changes.”

Again and again the adolescents interviewed for this study lament the difficulties of “relocating to a new home and incurring losses of a former home, friends, extended family, school, and time with the noncustodial parent [usually the father].”  These teens express “feelings of powerlessness … associated with the development of new family rules, differing values in the new family, and unequal enforcement of discipline among the stepsiblings.”  And many of the adolescents struggle with “the burden of divided loyalties between their parents and their stepparent” as they try to sort out their “confusion [over] the changes in power structure.”  A number of teens in the study express “open dislike and discord with their stepparent.”  Not surprisingly, many of these adolescents have resorted to “‘hiding out’ in their bedrooms, ignoring the stepparent, and talking with friends or siblings [as] solutions to the stress of stepfamily life.”

The authors of the new study find heartening evidence of “resilience” in the “survival strategies” adolescents have developed for “coping with family distress.”  But Americans who care about children’s well-being can only fear the long-term consequences of making home a place where teens struggle to survive emotionally.

(Source:  Barre M. Stoll, “Adolescents in Stepfamilies: A Qualitative Analysis,” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 44.1/2 [2005]: 177-189.)

http://profam.org/pub/nr/nr.2103.htm#Traumatized_Teens

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

Parental Alienation Syndrome and Parental Alienation: A Research Review

Parental alienation syndrome (PAS) and parental alienation
(PA) are often invoked in legal and legislative contexts
addressing the rights of fathers and mothers in custody
or visitation litigation. Indeed, alienation claims have become
ubiquitous in custody cases where domestic violence or child
abuse is alleged, as grounds to reject mothers’ requests to
limit paternal access to their children. This paper provides a
historical and research overview of PAS and PA, identifies
strategic issues for advocates working with abused women and
children,* and offers guidelines to improve courts’ treatment
of these issues. While PAS and PA have much in common both
as theories and with respect to how they are used in court, they
have distinct scientific and research bases and critiques. This
paper, therefore, addresses them separately.
Parental Alienation Syndrome

http://www.vawnet.org/assoc_files_vawnet/ar_pasupdate.pdf

support group

Posted in Adultification, Alienation, Divorce, Infantilization, Parentification

Family Court Review

When caregivers conflict, systemic alliances shift and healthy parent-child roles can be corrupted. The present paper describes three forms of role corruption which can occur within the enmeshed dyad and as the common complement of alienation and estrangement. These include the child who is prematurely promoted to serve as a parent’s ally and partner, the child who is inducted into service as the parent’s caregiver, and the child whose development is inhibited by a parent who needs to be needed. These dynamics—adultification, parentification and infantilization, respectively—are each illustrated with brief case material. Family law professionals and clinicians alike are encouraged to conceptualize these dynamics as they occur within an imbalanced family system and thereby to craft interventions which intend to re-establish healthy roles. Some such interventions are reviewed and presented as one part of the constellation of services necessary for the triangulated child.

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2011.01374.x/abstract;jsessionid=50ABA06D835CA6E5A094A90463033122.f02t04?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false

Caring and Sharing

Posted in PA Disorder

Recommendations for Dealing with Parents who Induce a PAS in their Children

The parental alienation syndrome is commonly seen in highly contested child-custody disputes. The author has dcscribed three types: mild, moderate, and severe-each of which requires special approaches by both legal and mental health professionals. The purpose of this article is to correct some misinterpretations of the author’s recommendations as well as to add some recently developed refinements. Particular focus is given to the transitional-site program that can be extremely useful for dealing with the scvcre type of, parental alienation syndrome. Dealing properly with parental-alienation— syndrome families requires close cooperation between legal and mcntal health professionals. Without such cooperation therapeutic approaches are not likely to succeed. With such cooperation the treatment, in many cases, is likely to be highly effective.

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v28n03_01#.VRaigDHF-Sp

Caring and Sharing

Posted in PAS

EDUCATE THE WORLD ABOUT PARENTAL ALIENATION

15 janv. 2015 — From the 12th to the 30th of January 2015, the 18 members of the Committee on the Rights of the Child are in Geneva, Switzerland reviewing Nations compliance with the CRC. Besides the usual yearly request for a chunk percentage of your Nation budget, the Committee insist that Nations implant the CRC into Nations Constitution. Sadly, some countries have already done it!

https://www.change.org/p/u-n-recognize-parental-alienation-as-violence-and-abuse-againstchildren/u/9308661