Should Mother’s Day Be About Reconciliation?

There is a denial of dialogue from adult parents and adult children alike, a misunderstanding of the critical importance of talking. And if dialogue is entertained, family members often can’t hear, validate or accept the ‘separate reality’ of family life that another member may experience. And this is written with no particular reference to mothers, fathers, parents, adult sons or adult daughters in the family. All members are capable of denying the experience of another when it’s not necessarily easy listening.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/becca-bland/mothers-day-family-estrangement_b_6854992.html

Happy Mothers Day!!!!!

23 years ago I had a wonderful loving relationship with my 2 children. 6 months after the divorce I was living in the marital home with my son in the village we had lived in for many years. My daughter had recently moved out to live with her father in the next village. It was Mothers Day morning and my ex husband and daughter barged through the front door, I knew it was trouble he never ever came in peace!!! It followed the usual pattern, special day for me so he was determined to ruin it. An argument broke out and as usual my ex started winding the children up and upsetting them. No day was sacred as far as he was concerned, if he wanted trouble he would make sure it happened. From what I remember he was not happy that I was dating someone. Up until that day my son had been very protective of me and we had been very close, my ex was extremely jealous of our relationship and always called him my golden boy in front of our daughter which would wind her up.

I was standing on the staircase and angry words were exchanged, with my ex ranting and raving that their mother had done this and that. My son was extremely upset and agitated when out of the blue he came running down the stairs angry and crying and pushed me down the stairs. The force and momentum pushed me through the glass front door. It all happened in slow motion, like a film. I could not believe what was happening. I stood amongst the broken glass in the porch stunned and shocked. Yes the golden boy, the soft gentle caring 13-year-old child had pushed me through the glass door telling me to go.

I rummaged through my handbag and luckily managed to find my car keys and my cell phone. I drove away from the house stunned and dazed and but unscathed. When well out of sight of my ex I stopped the car to phone my mother. She said you must leave, your situation is getting too dangerous, move out before something terrible happens.

It was the worst day of my life leaving my son, I was never allowed to speak to him or see him again. Whenever I tried there was just anger and abuse for many years.

WHAT A LEGACY MY EX HUSBAND WILL LEAVE BEHIND!!! Two innocent children deprived of the love their mother has for them because of anger,revenge and jealousy. I am still their mother and will always love them.

It was a turning point in my life, it took a few years of heartache but I managed to find true love and turn my life around.

I still keep the old mothers day cards my children made for me at school before the break up which I proudly display on Mothers day. It brings back the happy memories.

My mother is still alive and I treasure each moment I spend with her – Happy Mothers Day Mum xxxxx

truth

PREREQUISITES TO BRAINWASHING

PREREQUISITES TO BRAINWASHING:- my own adult children have been subjected to every one of these since the ages of 11 and 13 – where do you go from here????

(Programming parents need be effective in at least one of these measures, with the objective being to create psychological dependence and to prevent exposure to competing views of reality.)

  1. Isolation: Parents who have the most access to the children tend to be more effective at the brainwashing, but this is not a pre-requisite. Parents with little access can also alienate their children. (See my post: https://waiting4ethan.wordpress.com/2015/02/27/whose-fault-is-alienation-the-gender-question). The alienator will sabotage visits with the other parent one way or another to reduce their time, restrict communication, and screen phone calls. Gradually, the time the child spends with the Target Parent is reduced to zero. Isolation leads the child to becoming more and more dependent on the alienating parent. The negative messages about the Target Parent eventually become ‘the truth’ because there is no access to people who can offer the child any competing views.
  2. Stripping: The emotional and symbolic connection with the Target Parent is broken through stripping. The child is ‘stripped’ of any reminders of the Target Parent, whether physical (photos, gifts received from the Target Parent) or simply conversational.
  3. Fear: The Favored Parent demonstrates aggressive behavior, lashes out at the Target Parent in front of the child. The child does not want to become the next target. To the child, it is ‘safer’ to choose the parent who is abusive. In some cases, the child has also been a victim of abuse (aside from the alienation efforts) from the alienating parent.
  4. Age: While Dr. Warshak doesn’t list age as a prerequisite factor in Chapter 5, he does point out in his book “Divorce Poison” that children ages 9 to 12 are the most susceptible to alienation.

OVERT AND COVERT TACTICS:

  1. Names: Alienators will encourage the child to use the Target Parent’s first name, signifying that the Target Parent does not deserve the respect that accompanies being a parent. The child may also hear the Target Parent referred to as a “witch” or other perjorative labeling that the child will use the same terminology.
  2. Repetition: Per Dr. Amy J. L. Baker, the alienator will repeatedly (overtly or covertly) convey to the child the that “basically that parent doesn’t really love you, they’re not really around, they’re not really doing anything to take care of you and in some cases, the message is that person is dangerous.” “In fact, studies have found that if just one person repeats the same opinion three times, it has a whopping 90 percent chance of converting three different people in the group to have the same opinion.” http://www.cracked.com/article_21309_6-incredible-ways-you-can-use-words-to-brainwash-people.html
  3. Selective Attention: This tactic is a “potent image shaping tool” whereby the alienator capitalizes on the child’s natural mixed feelings (all healthy children have mixed feelings about both parents) of the Target Parent by selectively magnifying the minor negative thought the child may have had and making it into a reason worthy of rejecting the other parent. At the same time, the alienator will intentionally leave out any mention of positive aspects of the Target Parent. This tactic can be obvious, or very calculatingly subtle. “While braiding her daughter’s hair, a mother asked, “Does Daddy do this for you?” (pg. 154 Divorce Poison)
  4. Judging Behavior out of Context: This tactic is a way to train the child to misinterpret the Target Parent’s behavior to always support the message that the parent does not love the child, is unavailable, and is unsafe. The Target Parent who is working long hours and cannot take time off from work to come to the child’s sporting event is judged by the alienator to the child as selfish and unloving.
  5. Exaggeration: The Target Parent who has started to date occasionally is portrayed to the child in an exaggerated way, e.g., preoccupied with men/women. Exaggerated messages that are repeated enough times will become integrated into the growing distortion of the Target Parent.
  6. Lying: Blatant lies may be told particularly if the child has been resistant to the brainwashing tactics described above. “Though such behavior is common among psychotic parents who have lost touch with reality, it also occurs among less disturbed people.” (Divorce Poison, Ch. 6)
  7. Revisionist History: The alienator devalues the formerly warm, close relationship the child and Target parent have/had. The alienator will review the pre-divorce family life with the child in the terms that supports the alienator’s distorted view. Especially if isolated from the Target Parent, the child will gradually adopt this revised family history, sometimes to the point that the child demonstrates a form of amnesia.
  8. Suggestions, Innuendos, and Implications: These are the more sneaky and subtle ways to program the child that can be especially potent and more difficult to prove. Dr. Amy J. L. Baker provides a good example of this category in an interview. Dr. Baker explains that, “It’s the trick that the alienating parent — one of their strategies — is that they send their kids for visitation trying to have a big fight with the targeted parent. The targeted parent often takes the bait and then they end up spending the whole visitation fighting with their kids. Then, the kid leaves and goes, “Mom’s right! Dad is unsafe. All he did was yell at me all weekend.”http://www.pvmhmr.org/82-parenting/article/14784-wise-counsel-interview-transcript-an-interview-with-amy-j-l-baker-phd-on-parental-alienation
  9. Exploitation: The alienator will support and encourage the child’s efforts to denigrate and disrespect the Target Parent. It is another expression of alienation.
  10. Projection: An Alienator’s repeated accusations about the Target parent that have no basis in reality are actually self-descriptive.  Don’t dismiss cues of projection just because it seems too obvious. These texts from an alienator to a Target parent shed light into what the alienator subconsciously thinks about himself and his own real danger he presents to the child. He wrote:

    You are absolutely crazy, a bad person. You are angry and bitter. [The child] is downright scared of you. [The child] is a prisoner in your own home…don’t get mad or defensive…stop ignoring [your] deficiencies and embrace them…deeply concerned at the prospects of your current mental state…Is something wrong that I don’t know about? You do need help! Holy Shit!…I’m very scared for the children to be in your custody…I’m going to do everything in my power to make you undergo psychological evaluation to confirm you are fit to have the children. I really do not think you are [fit to have the children]…I am very sad for the kids…scared for their well-being…I feel very sad for [the child] to continually suffer at he hands of your actions…I am very sad the kids are continually being adversely impacted…[you are] immature…[a] joke…manipulative…petty…There will come a day when the kids’ opinions will matter. You are not going to like that day. Personally, I can’t wait for that day. You are having a hard time differentiating between your feelings and the right of the kids to have their own feelings. You need to talk to someone with whom you can be totally honest.

  11. Rationalization: “A lie that is intended to seem plausible.” The alienator will rationalize to defend their own behavior…and attempt to convince themselves and others that they did nothing wrong. It can also be used to make the Target parent’s behavior look bad.
  12. Holier Than Thou: The child is exposed to the alienating parent’s particularly self-righteous hatred for the other parent. Children are particularly suggestible to this tactic.
  13. The “Truth” : Alienators (and cult leaders alike) will talk about “the truth” repeatedly, which is code for their own distorted sense of reality. The child who is being brainwashed will have heard the alienator’s description of ‘the truth’ so many times, that if the child is interviewed by a court professional about whether or not he/she was coached, the child will proclaim that the parent only said for him/her to tell the truth!
  14. Overindulgence: Gifts, extra privileges, not expecting the child to partake in age appropriate responsibilities are all ways for the alienator to “avoid rejection of the child,” “counteract the malevolent associations built up by the programmer,” “cement the children’s alliance with them while furthering the alienation from the target parent.” This tactic is particularly effective if the child is kept from enjoying time with the Target Parent. One way to ensure that is for the alienator not to pay child support (if otherwise expected) so that the Target Parent is unable to afford the same quality of life.
  15. Encroachment: This tactic is something that is done while the Target parent still has custodial time with the child. The alienator will ‘encroach’ on this time in order to ensure that the brainwashing efforts are not diminished. The alienator will call the child multiple times and keep the child on the phone for lengthy conversations during this custodial time.
  16. Cloak and Dagger: This tactic is employed once the alienator is more confident in the child’s loyalty. The alienator will “instruct the children to keep secrets, to spy, and to report back to the other parent…An element of excitement accompanies such collusion and appeals to children of all ages.” The child may be asked to break into the Target Parent’s email, particularly to find communication between the Target Parent and a new boyfriend or girlfriend and then to deliver it back to the other parent.
  17. Cognitive Dissonance: The more the child behaves in a rejecting, hateful way to the Target Parent, the more the child needs to confirm that he truly feels hatred for the Target Parent. In general, people want to have their behaviors and thoughts/feelings match.
  18. Conspiracy: The alienator’s parents, siblings, and close family friends collectively put enormous pressure on the child to maintain loyalty only to the alienator and to reject the other parent.
  19. Tamper Resistant Packaging: A way to confirm and solidify that the child is brainwashed and will remain so going forward, the alienator will tell the child ‘signs’ to look for that in fact the other parent will try to brainwash the child. The alienator will tell the child that if the Target Parent tries to tell you certain things, i.e., rational messages that counter the brainwashing, then the child feels as though the alienator must be right because they knew ahead of time that the Target parent would try to ‘manipulate’ him/her.

Divorce Poison

Taken from https://waiting4ethan.wordpress.com/2015/03/05/23-parts-to-programming-your-child/

Men May Be More Narcissistic Than Women

“Narcissism is associated with various interpersonal dysfunctions, including an inability to maintain healthy long-term relationships, unethical behavior and aggression,” Emily Grijalva, lead author of the study, said in a statement. “At the same time, narcissism is shown to boost self-esteem, emotional stability and the tendency to emerge as a leader. By examining gender differences in narcissism, we may be able to explain gender disparities in these important outcomes.”

For the study, researchers examined more than 355 journal articles, dissertations, manuscripts and technical manuals, and studied gender differences in the three aspects of narcissism: leadership/authority, grandiose/exhibitionism and entitlement. They found the widest gap in entitlement.

Read more: http://www.universityherald.com/articles/16463/20150304/men-may-be-more-narcissistic-than-women.htm#ixzz3TWX3nfTL

The Child and Family Relationships Bill

Family Relationships Bill is welcome and long overdue

The Child and Family Relationships Bill, when enacted, will comprehensively reform the law relating to families and remove the many anomalies concerning the legal status of children in different kinds of families. Many of the proposals are uncontroversial, and have been long discussed. These include the automatic right to guardianship of unmarried fathers who have had a relationship with the mother up to and after the birth of the child and enhanced rights for grandparents of access to children where parental relationships have broken down. The Bill also proposes measures to deal with situations where estranged parents obstruct contact between their child and the other parent, providing sanctions other than jailing the obstructing parent for contempt of court. The Bill will also provide for the partner or spouse of a child’s parent, who is playing a practical role in caring for that child, to have guardianship rights.

Warning signs among the relatives

Psychopathy can run in families – a possible warning for you

Warning signs among the relatives

If you hear about any of the following regarding your partner’s blood relatives, pay attention:

• Criminal behavior
• Abusive behavior
• Domestic violence
• Any kind of violence
• Diagnosis of antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder, or psychopathy
• Multiple short-term romantic partners
• Scams or other financial crimes
• Drug or alcohol addictions
• Child molestation
• Prison sentences

Of course, it is very possible for a person with a normal ability to love and a conscience to be born into a family that has psychopaths. In fact, many Lovefraud readers, who are themselves empathetic, have realized that one or both of their parents are psychopaths.

http://www.lovefraud.com/2015/01/19/psychopathy-can-run-in-families-a-possible-warning-for-you/comment-page-1/

6 Traits You Can Attribute to Being with a Narcissist– Part 2

Wendy Powell's Life Coaching

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThis post is continued from Part 1.

2. Refusing to Ask for Help

Since a narcissist never wants to be inconvenienced by you or your needs, any time you ask for help you will be turned down, unless they are about to ask you for a favour or are trying to get back on your good side. So, instead of saying, “no”, they attack and make it because “you are too needy”, “you can’t do anything yourself”, “you are too demanding”, “you aren’t smart enough to figure it out on your own” or whatever attack they prefer. In other words, they use your personal vulnerabilities as a way of manipulating you into doing what they want.

Love and attention are given in exchange for other things in a relationship with a narcissist. “If you don’t make dinner, I won’t even speak to you or acknowledge your presence”. This may…

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