- You have problems loving and accepting yourself the way you are.
- You criticise and judge yourself regularly.
- You expect perfection from yourself at all times.
- You wish you could look like or be like someone else.
- You struggle with social interactions and often feel overlooked and ignored in conversations.
- You exaggerate to appear more interesting when talking to others.
- You are easily embarrassed in conversations because you don’t feel important or intelligent enough to contribute something useful.
- You feel ashamed of yourself.
- You feel uncomfortable with too much attention.
- You are unsure how to react to praise.
- You are prone to stomach and bowel upsets, especially when you feel anxious.
- You struggle financially because, deep down, you feel you don’t deserve an abundant, worry-free life.
- You feel awkward asking for what you deserve or charging appropriately for your services.
- You tend to sabotage yourself because you subconsciously believe you do not deserve happiness.
- You think that happiness, wealth or love are not meant for “people like you”.
- You buy things you don’t need and your home is filled with clutter.
- You frequently demonstrate your superiority to overcompensate for feeling inferior.
- You disrespect other people because you have no respect for yourself.
- You can be aggressive or abusive towards other people because you believe your own life to be worthless and assume everybody else’s is too.
Self-respect is a word that means honoring your worth, preserving your dignity, and taking pride in your abilities. Being self-respecting means that you believe at a core level that you’re worthy of being treated fairly and with courtesy.
Why is self-respect so important?
Without self-respect, we are susceptible to being used, abused, and mistreated by other people. Those who lack self-respect are often targets of unsavory types of people like narcissists and egomaniacs who enjoy using self-neglecting people as their lackeys. And who in their right mind would want to end up as fodder for those ratbags lurking in the dark corners of society?
Ultimately, self-respect is vital because it impacts every area of your life.
From your friendships and relationships to your work commitments, having self-respect ensures that you are treated well, given fair opportunities, have your needs and desires met, and remain on equal footing with other people. With no self-respect, you are prone to excessive self-sacrifice, letting yourself be walked over and used, abandoning your true self and authentic needs, giving up on your dreams, and other forms of self-abuse.
“Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that’s real power.” – Clint Eastwood
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro starting in 1988 in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images; the therapist then directs the patient in one type of bilateral stimulation, such as side-to-side eye movements or hand tapping. According to the 2013 World Health Organization practice guideline: “This therapy [EMDR] is based on the idea that negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours are the result of unprocessed memories. The treatment involves standardized procedures that include focusing simultaneously on (a) spontaneous associations of traumatic images, thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations and (b) bilateral stimulation that is most commonly in the form of repeated eye movements.”
EMDR is included in several evidence-based guidelines for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As of 2020, the American Psychological Association lists EMDR as an evidence-based treatment for PTSD but stresses that “the available evidence can be interpreted in several ways” and notes there is debate about the precise mechanism by which EMDR appears to relieve PTSD symptoms with some evidence EMDR may simply be a variety of exposure therapy.
The amount of time the complete treatment will take depends upon the history of the client. Complete treatment of the targets involves a three pronged protocol to alleviate the symptoms and address the complete clinical picture:
- past memories
- present disturbance
- future actions
The goal of EMDR therapy is to process completely the experiences that are causing problems, and to include new ones that are needed for full health.
“Processing” does not mean talking about it. “Processing” means setting up a learning state that will allow experiences that are causing problems to be “digested” and stored appropriately in your brain. That means that what is useful to you from an experience will be learned, and stored with appropriate emotions in your brain, and be able to guide you in positive ways in the future.
The inappropriate emotions, beliefs, and body sensations will be discarded. Negative emotions, feelings and behaviors are generally caused by unresolved earlier experiences that are pushing you in the wrong directions. The goal of EMDR therapy is to leave you with the emotions, understanding, and perspectives that will lead to healthy and useful behaviors and interactions.
Although EMDR therapy may produce results more rapidly than previous forms of therapy, speed is not the issue and it is important to remember that every client has different needs. For instance, one client may take weeks to establish sufficient feelings of trust (Phase 2), while another may proceed quickly through the first six phases of treatment only to reveal something even more important that needs treatment.
Empirical evidence and clinical literature have consistently revealed that the greater the level of severity in parental alienation cases, the greater the likelihood that the child and rejected parent will not reconcile with of without traditional therapeutic approaches.
The treatment for severely alienated children and their family members is entirely different from that of mild or moderate alienation cases. In severe cases, the alienating parent and alienated child are too determined and too delusional to respond to any form of traditional therapy
(Darnall, 2010; Fidler et al., 2013)(Baker 2006; Darnall, 2010, Gardner et al., 2006; Reay, 2007, 2011; Warshak, 2010)http://www.parentalalienationeducation.com/speaker/kathleen-reay-bio/
Importantly, over late childhood and adolescence, there seems to be a lack of synchrony in the development of two of the critical brain systems that enable fully adaptive behavior.
The ‘rational’ cognitive system, which allows for understanding a problem and arriving at a solution, appears to be well formed at age 16. This seems in step with the maturation of frontal cortex, and on testing a child may give appropriate, adult-like, answers.
However, the system for effective use of information in context – balancing
long term consequences with immediate social and emotional concerns – does not develop in synchrony with such rationality , and so there is a ‘gap’ between the
Studies show that adolescents and young adults become poorer at
responding on problem solving tasks when the complexity of emotion is added . Such tasks would likely involve the interaction of functions across a range of brain areas (including limbic, thalamoamygdala pathway and both left and right frontal systems) .
Furthermore, this ‘gap’ between reason and emotion is exacerbated by an underlying susceptibility for responding to immediate rewards that emerges early in adolescence.
In the ‘teenage brain’ there is a surge of an infusion of reward-oriented neuro-transmitters (dopaminergic activity) and an associated increase in reward-seeking behavior.
It appears, therefore, that the brain system related to rewards (the meso-limbic area) is developing rapidly relative to the other systems. Especially, it seems, compared to the
frontal system that is supposed to regulate it, and the social and emotional systems that will, in time, moderate it.
Changes in brain systems configuration – as connectivity improves with increased
myelination and ongoing cortical pruning – has been shown in longterm neuro-imaging research. This work shows that the areas responsible for high level thinking
such as control of impulses and making judgments about the longer term (the dorso-lateral- prefrontal cortex) only reach adult levels of ‘cortical thickness’ in the late
teenage years .
The teenage brain, therefore, has an adult-like ability to reason, but with a
heightened need for basic reward, and a lowered capacity to buffer immediate influences and potential short-term rewards for greater, longer-term gains – especially in contexts involving peers. This sets the scene for risky decision-making.
As one commentator described, biologically speaking it’s like ‘starting the engines without a skilled driver behind the wheel’.
Connections between neurons get shaped and strengthened by experience. The brain evolves rapidly over early childhood and continues to evolve over the first two decades
of life. In the first three years neurons migrate, differentiate, and build up synaptic strength.
After age three, the brain is constantly sculpted (a critical process known as cortical pruning) and the strength of the connections in a child’s brain improved (becoming
increasingly myelinated) . The different brain systems thus become more fully evolved towards being ‘adult-like’.
Across childhood and adolescence there are peaks in brain development – at age 3, 8, 11 through to 15 and even later at 19 . Such ‘peaks’ are – like iceberg tips – only a small
indication of the complexity of the underlying changes happening in brain systems and their related cognitive and emotional functions.
The frontal system begins to assume control over socio-emotional and purposeful behaviour from 3-4 years. A four year old child may understand how more ‘smiley faces’ on a chart could be linked to a trip to a play park and an ice cream and decide (or
not) that the trade-off is worth sharing a toy for.
This capacity to link behaviour and consequence accelerates rapidly in development from around 7 to 11, with language skills allowing logical deduction and more abstract
thought . See Figure 2. The consequences of such cognitive changes, in terms of control of behavior, can be seen in the ability to resist distraction being relatively
matured by 6 years or so and impulse control becoming established by age ten, and these abilities continue to evolve over early adolescence, with planning and dual
attention improving with age .
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(Fox  p. 28)