Do you ever wonder why you are so exhausted raising your kids when their other parent is a narcissist? It’s because, in all practicality, you’re a single parent. Not only that, if you are still married to the narcissist, he or she is the biggest and most difficult of all your kids. He/she causes you a high level of stress most of the time. If you are trying to co-parent with a narcissist you might as well give up right now. Repeat after me, ‘I am the only parent.’ Or, ‘He/she is not a parent.’ While the narcissist is the biological mom or dad, he/she is not interested in, nor capable of properly raising another human being. Let’s examine this concept. What does it mean to parent? Being a parent requires the following abilities and traits: Responsibility Self-sacrifice Initiative Positive role-modeling Hard work Consistency Stability Patience Perseverance Empathy and Compassion Respectability Which of these traits would you say a person with narcissism possesses? Narcissists lack
‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ – Edmund Burke Isn’t it enough that victims have to deal with the hurt and frustration caused merely by loving a narcissist? To add insult to injury, narcissists in their lives have their own personal minions, appropriately labeled as ‘flying monkeys,’ who side with them and join their ‘team’ and set out to participate in their damaging agenda to destroy the targets’ lives. Flying monkeys are the narcissist’s enablers. They come in all shapes and sizes. They may be friends, family members, pastors, and counselors. In reality, I don’t think the flying monkeys realize what they are doing. I trust that these people actually believe in the righteousness and the ’cause’ of the narcissist. Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church.
Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church. The pastor was helping them keep their marriage together. The man was a typical narcissistic, emotional abuser. The wife was a typical codependent, enabler. She went to the church for spiritual counseling and accountability for her husband’s poor treatment of her. The wife recounted to her pastor that during an argument with her husband one day he had threatened to “kill her if she didn’t get out of the car!”
The pastor had two comments for the woman, “Why didn’t you get out of the car?” and, “You know he didn’t mean he was REALLY going to kill you.”
To make matters even worse, the woman thought, perhaps, her mother-in-law would be supportive and talk some sense into her son. When she told her mother-in-law what happened, the only response she got was, “Well, you know things are said in marriage…”
Did I hear that correctly? No, I don’t think these are the types of things that are typically said in marriages. At least, I hope not.
These are two examples of flying monkeys – the pastor and the mother.
If someone was telling a story, he would interrupt them to tell a bigger, grander story. “I was fantastic at thinking on my feet to appear better than anyone else,” he confesses. Lying became a second skin, a way to appear slicker and more capable.
Narcissists invariably react with narcissistic rage to narcissistic injury.
Narcissistic injury (or wound) is any threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist’s grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
The narcissist actively solicits Narcissistic Supply – adulation, compliments, admiration, subservience, attention, being feared – from others in order to sustain his fragile and dysfunctional Ego. Thus, he constantly courts possible rejection, criticism, disagreement, and even mockery.
The narcissist is, therefore, dependent on other people. He is aware of the risks associated with such all-pervasive and essential dependence. He resents his weakness and dreads possible disruptions in the flow of his drug: Narcissistic Supply. He is caught between the rock of his habit and the hard place of his frustration. No wonder he is prone to raging, lashing and acting out, and to pathological, all-consuming envy (all expressions of pent-up aggression). Continue reading “How do narcissists react to criticism?”