Do you ever wonder why you are so exhausted raising your kids when their other parent is a narcissist? It’s because, in all practicality, you’re a single parent. Not only that, if you are still married to the narcissist, he or she is the biggest and most difficult of all your kids. He/she causes you a high level of stress most of the time. If you are trying to co-parent with a narcissist you might as well give up right now. Repeat after me, ‘I am the only parent.’ Or, ‘He/she is not a parent.’ While the narcissist is the biological mom or dad, he/she is not interested in, nor capable of properly raising another human being. Let’s examine this concept. What does it mean to parent? Being a parent requires the following abilities and traits: Responsibility Self-sacrifice Initiative Positive role-modeling Hard work Consistency Stability Patience Perseverance Empathy and Compassion Respectability Which of these traits would you say a person with narcissism possesses? Narcissists lack
‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ – Edmund Burke Isn’t it enough that victims have to deal with the hurt and frustration caused merely by loving a narcissist? To add insult to injury, narcissists in their lives have their own personal minions, appropriately labeled as ‘flying monkeys,’ who side with them and join their ‘team’ and set out to participate in their damaging agenda to destroy the targets’ lives. Flying monkeys are the narcissist’s enablers. They come in all shapes and sizes. They may be friends, family members, pastors, and counselors. In reality, I don’t think the flying monkeys realize what they are doing. I trust that these people actually believe in the righteousness and the ’cause’ of the narcissist. Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church.
Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church. The pastor was helping them keep their marriage together. The man was a typical narcissistic, emotional abuser. The wife was a typical codependent, enabler. She went to the church for spiritual counseling and accountability for her husband’s poor treatment of her. The wife recounted to her pastor that during an argument with her husband one day he had threatened to “kill her if she didn’t get out of the car!”
The pastor had two comments for the woman, “Why didn’t you get out of the car?” and, “You know he didn’t mean he was REALLY going to kill you.”
To make matters even worse, the woman thought, perhaps, her mother-in-law would be supportive and talk some sense into her son. When she told her mother-in-law what happened, the only response she got was, “Well, you know things are said in marriage…”
Did I hear that correctly? No, I don’t think these are the types of things that are typically said in marriages. At least, I hope not.
These are two examples of flying monkeys – the pastor and the mother.
Given that psychological abusers minimize and dismiss your emotions, it’s quite common in this process to think “This is stupid” or “I’m making this all up” or “I’m actually to blame”. In fact, you might notice a lot of your healing has been done from the mindset of “What’s wrong with me?”. Again, just include these in your kind awareness. It won’t be easy at first, because these anxieties and doubts have been etched deeply in your thinking. But as you embrace these thoughts every day, the awareness will grow stronger.
taken from:-https://www.psychopathfree.com//articles/unraveling-ptsd-after-narcissistic-abuse.365/ click the link to read the full article
Narcissistic Parents have many subtle – and some not-so-subtle- ways in which they abuse their children. These types of abuse include the following:
- Compulsively lying to children
- Ignores and/or overwhelms the children
- Neglects needs of the child
- Makes child feel as though he/she does not matter
- Puts parental needs far above those of the children
- Mold children to an “ideal” image
- Promotes and fosters a dependent relationship between parent and child
- Distorts the concept of “love”
- Manipulation for pleasure
- Says one thing one day, something else the next
- Uses the child’s vulnerabilities to exploit the child
- Subtly and not-subtly insults children
- Ignores personal boundaries
- Treats others as objects, not people
- Makes child feel as though he or she is insane
What Happens To The Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents?
Growing up with all emotional needs unmet, becoming a “mini-adult,” being the product of so much emotional abuse takes a tremendous toll on a child of a Narcissistic Parent. If the Narcissistic Parent does not stop the abuse or the child does not receive adequate help, one of two scenarios happens to adult children of Narcissistic Parents.
1) The child grows to have narcissistic traits, and becomes a Narcissistic Parent to his/her own children. This perpetuates the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse.
2) The child becomes a “covert” or “inverted” narcissist who remains codependent and may actually seek out abusive relationships with other narcissists.
I’m The Adult Child of A Narcissistic Parent…What Now?
Healing from such a traumatic childhood is absolutely a daunting task. Having your own emotional needs unmet for so long may make the notion of recovery seemingly impossible. It’s not. Here are some guidelines for recovery for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:
- Begin working through the grieving process – allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
Read more about grief and grieving.
- Acknowledge that you’ve never learned how to properly deal with feelings, and begin to start working through these feelings.
- Work toward loving that little child inside you in the ways your Narcissistic Parent never did.
- Stop hoping that your Narcissistic Parent will change – he or she will not change.
- Remind yourself every day that you need to take care of yourself – those needs for self-care are incredibly important.
- Remember – you matter too. A lot.
- You do not need to harm yourself or hate yourself. You’re a great person, worthy of love and devotion.
Read more about self-injury.
Read more about self-loathing.
- Stop being afraid of your Narcissistic Parent – you are an adult, you survived hell, and you need to reclaim your life as your own. Start by erasing that fear.
- Get rid of that feeling of not fitting in or belonging. It was put there by your Narcissistic Parent and it’s got to go.
- We are none of us alone – that means you, too!
- Find and connect with other Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
- Find a therapist who specializes in treating Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
- You’re probably still afraid of “getting into trouble” thanks to the way your Narcissistic Parent treated you. You’re an adult now, and you don’t answer to anyone but yourself.
- Release some of that anger. Smash some plates. Scream. Hit a pillow. Anything to let the anger of being an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parent out.
- Learn to be autonomous – start by making small decisions for yourself, and learn that you – yes YOU – are in charge of your own life.
- You are more than worthy. No matter what your Narcissistic Parent told you, you are more than worthy.
- Guilt. Ah, guilt. The best friend and worst enemy of an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents. This may be the hardest of all the feelings to fight against, but you must. When that guilt is gnawing away at you, tell it to piss off.
Read more about guilt.
- You do not need to feel guilty if you decide not to stay in touch with your Narcissistic Parent – it may be for your own good.
- Remember that your needs are important. Don’t be afraid to make them know and ask for what you need.