The loyalty bind with a narcissist is different than other loyalty binds, in that it requires the individual involved with the narc to choose between the narcissist and herself. And of course, when you’re the child of the narcissist it is no contest. The child will choose her parent’s desires every time. One woman explained to her therapist when he asked her to visualize her abusive mother as a lion and put her in a cage. The therapist wanted his client to realize she could walk away safely from her mother, whom the client perceived as dangerous. What the therapist failed to comprehend was the plight of a narcissist’s child’s experience with regard to the loyalty bind. This woman explained to the therapist, “As a child of a narcissist, I will get inside the cage with the lion.” This grown “child” has been indoctrinated, brainwashed, conditioned, trained, and programmed to do whatever her parent wants – no questions asked. She has learned well that she is to be loyal to her parent,
The Role of the Enablers
There’d be no such thing as narcissistic abuse if it weren’t for the enablers. These are the folks who sit on the sidelines and watch someone else being whipped. They could step in, and demand that it stop. They have the power to do so. All it takes is for one or two courageous souls to say “no, this is not okay.” But, for various reasons, enablers elect to remain “neutral.”
The narcissist depends upon these weak-willed comrades. Abusing someone isn’t any fun if it’s only a party of two. With a crowd, there’s unlimited potential for drama. The narcissist can pull a lot more strings that way.
If it were just the abuser, and her target, it wouldn’t be worth it to carry out a full-fledged hate campaign.
So, the narcissist works to get others to turn on the target. The collective betrayal, which comes from the camp of these enablers, is even more devastating than the primary source of abuse.
Targets, especially if this happens at work, or in a social setting, watch as, one by one, the people they thought were their friends, slink away as the battle intensifies.
Not taking a stand to stop someone from being hurt doesn’t absolve you of guilt. On the contrary, you become an active participant, whether you consider yourself one or not.
Some enablers even take it a step beyond, and switch from idling in neutral to all-out support of the morally disordered person. They may even turn into “flying monkeys” who carry out small attacks, in order to stay on the bully’s good side.
Enablers are Not Innocent
Why People Become Enablers
It’s probably a safe bet that most enablers act out of weakness rather than malice. However, this doesn’t excuse them.
That’s because enablers have a lot of power. The abuser relies upon them not to back up the target. Before any attacks begin, a morally disordered person will carefully plan the battle. This can take months, or even longer, before direct hits are launched.
Only if it’s clear that there’s an excellent chance of decimating a target, does the warfare begin. If there’s a solid support system, the abuser won’t make a move.
This means the enablers are the variable, which can either make or break a plan, and the narcissist knows this. That’s why so much effort is put into creating chaos and confusion. This makes it easier for the enablers to rationalize their position. They may even begin to believe the target is getting the treatment she deserves, and that she did something to warrant the narcissist’s extreme reaction.
Enablers and Self Interest
Enablers are guided by self interest. So, they choose not to help the victim.
In a social setting, such as in a neighborhood full of young mothers, a woman might worry about her own social standing. She doesn’t want to be the next victim. She also wants to ensure her children aren’t ostracized.
Narcissists are serial abusers. Once they eliminate one person, they find someone else to kick around. This is the unspoken threat that keeps enablers in line. The fear of ending up as a target is palpable and overriding.
Onlookers are Afraid of the Bully
Why People Fall for the Lies
Some enablers don’t help because they have swallowed the stories concocted by the narcissist. But this doesn’t entirely let them off the hook.
That’s because we’re not supposed to listen to gossip in the first place. If someone is painted in an unflattering light, we should stop the conversation dead in its tracks and then insert a kind word on that person’s behalf. It appears as if an enabler neglects this important step. Instead, they listen to the lies being spread.
The fact that some people believe these tales says little about your character, but volumes about theirs. First, because they listen to gossip, they encourage this vice. They provide a comfortable ear for the tale-bearer. They also suspend their ability to think critically, and to form their own opinions about someone. This is whyenablers are not so innocent. They’ve made a choice to support the abuse, even if they don’t see it that way.
Chapter 3 documents the ways in which the repression and oppression of gender conformity and the class system under patriarchy have rendered the nuclear family as a toxic site of repression where malignant narcissists often reign and destroy themselves—as well as those around them. By invoking disruptive feminism, one can see the effects of malignant narcissism in toxic families in Child’s Pose, a Romanian film directed by Călin Peter Netzer; Bottled Up directed by Enid Zentelis, an independent American film that stars Melissa Leo as an enabler of her drug-addled daughter; Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia, another example of feminist dismantling of narcissism in families under patriarchy.
This review is focused on integrating recent research on emotion regulation and empathic functioning with specific relevance for agency, control, and decision-making in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD, conceptualized as self direction in DSM 5 Section III). The neuroscientific studies of emotion regulation and empathic capability can provide some significant information regarding the neurological/neuropsychological underpinnings to narcissistic personality functioning. Deficiencies in emotion processing, compromised empathic functioning, and motivation can influence narcissistic self-regulation and agential direction and competence in social interactions and interpersonal intimate relationships. The aim is to expand our understanding of pathological narcissism and NPD and suggest relevant implications for building a collaborative treatment alliance.
The narcissist believes his own illusions, and is blind to the fact that others can see through them. For those people who are outside the circle of Narcissistic Supply, they can see the games that are being played, having lost respect for him, they wisely give the narcissist a wide berth. Impervious in his armor of grandiosity, the narcissist blindly lives in his ivory tower, where he believes that he is hugely impressive to everybody. He displays his grandiosity daily in his exaggerated delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence. He is such a megalomaniac, that whatever he talks about, (whether it be work, family, possessions, health, achievements, etc.) he is always the one who is being celebrated, for he is the shining star within all of his stories. Any success another person has in his story is attributed to him; he is the one who takes the responsibility for his family, his home, his company, because everybody else is undependable, uncooperative, or incompetent. Even though he manipulates many people to do things for him, he constantly complains that nobody ever helps him. Having got help from others, he then goes on to denigrate their abilities and contributions. All this is done to inspire more sympathy or admiration for himself, which he craves. If you ever got a chance to visit him in his Kingdom, you would find that everybody around him are not only pulling their weight, but carrying the narcissists share as well. Once you understand the personality you are dealing with, it is easy to see that the narcissist’s addiction to grandiosity is linked with his strong susceptibility to shame. The shame is in relation to failed aspirations and ideals, plaguing and unsatisfactory early object relationships, and narcissistic manifestations with shame at their core. Their inability to process their shame in a healthy way means that they are unable to face up to it, and neutralize it so that they can move on to become a healthier individual. It is this inability that leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behaviour of the Grandiose Narcissist.
read the article here:- The narcissist believes his own illusions