‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ – Edmund Burke Isn’t it enough that victims have to deal with the hurt and frustration caused merely by loving a narcissist? To add insult to injury, narcissists in their lives have their own personal minions, appropriately labeled as ‘flying monkeys,’ who side with them and join their ‘team’ and set out to participate in their damaging agenda to destroy the targets’ lives. Flying monkeys are the narcissist’s enablers. They come in all shapes and sizes. They may be friends, family members, pastors, and counselors. In reality, I don’t think the flying monkeys realize what they are doing. I trust that these people actually believe in the righteousness and the ’cause’ of the narcissist. Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church. The pastor was helping them keep their marriage together. The man was a typical
Source: The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys
The Roll of the Enabler
The enabler is usually the narcissist’s spouse or the other parent but in certain situations it can be a child. This parent often has come from a dysfunctional family, or some previous trauma. They may be naïve, brainwashed from being gaslighted over many years, dependent or codependent in nature. Not all narcissist’s spouses become enablers. Those spouses that stay with the narcissist for life in a fairly congenial manner, are the strongest enablers, and are usually inverted narcissists, or are narcissists themselves. The role of the enabler is to tend to the narcissist needs. Be the narcissist’s marketing department. Manipulating the family’s perceptions of the narcissistic parent in a more positive way. The enabler makes excuses for the narcissistic parent’s bad behaviors, and is often the mouthpiece for the personality disordered parent. The enabler parent often plays the go-between in the well documented triangulated communications so prevalent in these types of families. The enabler parent also neglects their duties towards the children as their overwhelming major concern is their narcissistic spouse. The enabler parent will except even out rages acts perpetrated by their narcissistic spouse towards their own children, and on some occasions, will actually join forces with the narcissistic parent in attacking the scapegoated child, or may choose to attack the scapegoat on their own at will. Sometimes this behavior will be interspersed with random acts of kindness causing much confusion. The enabler will often downplay any good characteristics they (the enabler) has, thus reframing from clashing with their narcissistic spouses supreme and grandiose pathology. It is the enabler parent’s job to hide the true nature of the narcissist, constantly work on damage control, allow the dysfunctional family behaviors to continue unchecked, and keep the narcissistic parent’s inflated false image in tacked at all times.
An additional note: – At certain times the narcissist may scapegoat their enabler spouse as well, but the enabler refuses to see this and always goes back for more.
Continue reading “The Roll of the Enabler- Perfectly Rotten To The Core”
Enabling is a term often used in the context of a relationship with an addict. It might be a drug addict or alcoholic, a gambler, or a compulsive overeater. Enablers, rather than addicts, suffer the effects of the addict’s behavior. Enabling is “removing the natural consequences to the addict of his or her behavior.” Professionals warn against enabling because evidence has shown that an addict experiencing the damaging consequences of his addiction on his life has the most powerful incentive to change. Often this is when the addict “hits bottom” – a term commonly referred to in Alcoholics Anonymous. Codependents often feel compelled to solve other people’s problems. If they’re involved with addicts, particularly drug addicts, they usually end up taking on the irresponsible addict’s responsibilities. Their behavior starts as a well-intentioned desire to help, but in later stages of addiction, they act out of desperation. The family dynamics become skewed, so that the sober partner
Source: Are You an Enabler?
We hear it all the time: “I can’t just turn my back on my husband or my daughter or my sister or my mom.” A fair question to them would be is, “Why not?” There is no reason to put up with abusive behavior from anybody. Ever. The only reason people put up with abusive behavior is because they have been conditioned to believe that this behavior is OK. It is not. There is nothing anywhere that states you have to continue relationships when they are toxic and abusive.
You may believe you are proving something to the narcissist by staying in the relationship. Well, you are. You’re proving they can treat you however they want and you’ll put up with it because their well-being matters to you more than your own. You’re telling them they don’t have to treat you any better because you don’t believe you deserve it. That is unhealthy and it is toxic. It’s also exactly what they want to hear. The narcissist wants you to set yourself on fire to keep them warm. They are bottomless pits of need, and nothing you do or give or show them will ever be enough.
In a very real way, they are like vampires. They are unable to sustain themselves or fulfill their own needs and must leech off of other people. The mechanism they employ to do this is usually abusive. Allowing that in your life is teaching the narcissist that this behavior is OK. More than that, you are teaching it to yourself. This makes it that much easier to keep putting up with it. Continue reading “Aiding and Abetting Narcissism”
Narcissism does not exist in a vacuum. It can’t. Therefore, there are always enablers. Enablers are the people who support the narcissist, defend the narcissist, fight for the narcissist, people the narcissist recruits to their side. These people are usually called “flying monkeys,” but there are other types of enablers, too.
These are the people who might not agree with or defend the narcissist, but who enable the narcissist by putting up with their behavior, or rescuing them or bailing them out of the catastrophes they manage to create. These are the people who say things like, “She’s your mother, you need to forgive her” or “How can you abandon your husband when you know he has problems?” or, “I give in to your sister to keep the peace.”
Continue reading “Who Enables the Narcissist?”
‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ – Edmund Burke Isn’t it enough that victims have to deal with the hurt and frustration caused merely by loving a narcissist? To add insult to injury, narcissists in their lives have their own personal minions, appropriately labeled as ‘flying monkeys,’ who side with them and join their ‘team’ and set out to participate in their damaging agenda to destroy the targets’ lives. Flying monkeys are the narcissist’s enablers. They come in all shapes and sizes. They may be friends, family members, pastors, and counselors. In reality, I don’t think the flying monkeys realize what they are doing. I trust that these people actually believe in the righteousness and the ’cause’ of the narcissist. Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church.
Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church. The pastor was helping them keep their marriage together. The man was a typical narcissistic, emotional abuser. The wife was a typical codependent, enabler. She went to the church for spiritual counseling and accountability for her husband’s poor treatment of her. The wife recounted to her pastor that during an argument with her husband one day he had threatened to “kill her if she didn’t get out of the car!”
The pastor had two comments for the woman, “Why didn’t you get out of the car?” and, “You know he didn’t mean he was REALLY going to kill you.”
To make matters even worse, the woman thought, perhaps, her mother-in-law would be supportive and talk some sense into her son. When she told her mother-in-law what happened, the only response she got was, “Well, you know things are said in marriage…”
Did I hear that correctly? No, I don’t think these are the types of things that are typically said in marriages. At least, I hope not.
These are two examples of flying monkeys – the pastor and the mother.
Source: The Narcissist’s Fan Club (aka Flying Monkeys) | The Recovery Expert
Flying Monkeys” is a term used in psychology to describe the sycophantic hangers-on who usually orbit around narcissists, and support/defend everything they do.
Continue reading “What Flying Monkeys Do For Narcissists (And How To Disarm Them)”