Posted in “narcissistic supply.”, Cerebral, Child victims of sociopathic parents, Children of Sociopaths., Children who have a sociopathic parent, Defining characteristics of pathological lying, narcissistic sociopath, narcissistic sociopathic parent, Narcissists And Sociopaths:, Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Pathological Lying, Pathological Lying: A Psychopathic Manipulation Tool, Signs of Pathological Lying, Somatic

Cerebral or Somantic Narcissist

In order to function, a narcissist, whether they are an adult or child needs
“narcissistic supply.” Narcissistic supply is the things, people, emotions, or
situations that internally generate strapping feelings of self-importance and
grandiosity. These feelings can start at an early age and are commonly found
in the narcissist’s exaggerated version of their life achievements or talents to
the point of pathological lying. Narcissists are categorized as either Cerebral
or Somatic. Cerebrals derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence,academic achievements and so forth, whereas Somatics derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess, and “conquests.” Not unlike the sociopath, narcissists without proportionate successes will demand (either overtly or covertly) to be recognized as superior.

With striking similarity to the narcissist, the sociopath is nearly always male
and they “place self-interest above all other considerations and are masters
at rationalizing their actions, the responsibility for which they often attribute
to someone else” (Nance, 2003, pp. 85–86).

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Posted in Children of Sociopaths.

Children of Sociopaths.

I can’t believe I am even contemplating writing an article with the title Children of Sociopaths.

To be sure, I never would have had children with a known sociopath…….. who would?  If I had known then what I know now (famous last words?) I would have gotten as far away as possible, as quickly as I could.  That being said, I love my kids with all my heart and can’t imagine my life without them, sociopath father or not.

When I first realized that the father of my children was truly a sociopath I was scared to death of what that would mean for them.  I realized I was dealing with a sociopath when my kids were very little so most of their lives so far have been about me trying to protect them and shield them from the very worst parts of their father.  It’s not that he is physically violent towards them (see definition, as sociopaths are not typically what you see in movies).  It’s more the subtle things; the manipulation, the lies, the lack of safety when they are with him that have prompted me to be acutely aware of what is happening when they are around him.

One very blatant example of how little my children are valued by their sociopath father is the way he has used their names and social security numbers for his own financial gain.  My kids each have outstanding bills in their names (5 years old!).  This “father” also acquired a copy of his oldest daughter’s birth certificate (for unknown reasons) by writing a fraudulent check.  When his daughter later tried to get a copy of her birth certificate for college or work purposes she was told that she could not get a copy unless the check charges were taken care of.  She had to pay for her father’s fraudulence before she could get a copy of her own birth certificate.  She had no recourse because he was her “father” and had a “right” to the information/copy.

Children of sociopaths can be easily confused.  Children love their parents unconditionally, especially small children.  Sadly, positive attention from the sociopath parent is typically only for the parent’s gain and not genuine so children don’t have the opportunity to experience true love and connection with this parent.  This becomes more and more difficult the older children get because it can affect their self esteem (am I worthy?), their sense of reality (but he says he loves me), and their perception of what a healthy person and healthy relationships look like.

At best, a sociopath parent will be attentive and demonstrate loving gestures when they are being observed or are in “competition” with the other parent.  At worst, the sociopath parent is abusive and/or extremely indifferent.  No matter what the extreme, the lying and manipulation will probably be the hardest and most confusing.  Kids are so trusting and literal.  In our home there was a lot of this type of situation:  Dad would tell child to go in and get a coat on.  Child would tell dad she is hot and doesn’t need a coat.  Dad would insist and in subtle ways, almost unnoticeable ways, lead her to become hysterical.  I would try to find out what was going on after hearing the chaos.  Dad would then say something like “she is upset because she is tired and wouldn’t get her coat on even though she is cold”.  Daughter, who by this time is so upset, says “but I told him I’m not cold (no one else has a coat on, it’s quite warm out really) and he won’t listen”.

In the end, the situation ends up that daughter no longer knows whether she was right about her own body/feelings/decision, etc.  Daughter can no longer articulate herself clearly because of being upset.  Dad is confirming to me and to daughter “see, she is tired and thinks she can get her own way and you just let her get away with being spoiled”.  This is a random example with random words, but the type of scenario and the end results are typical.  Dad has manipulated an entire situation where he can affirm that I am crazy and child is ridiculous.  To watch your child go through this over and over again, knowing in your heart what is happening is part of thecrazy-making and it is devastating.

The sociopath has no conscience so does not care about the long term affects he has on the child (his own or others).  Children are simply possessions to serve a purpose.  Consider yourself lucky if the sociopath parent makes no effort to spend time with his children.  In my case, the sociopath has fought in court to no end for the sheer reason of trying to win or to try to make it as difficult as possible for me, financially and emotionally.  It’s not that he wants or cares about the kids in any real parental sense.

The scariest thing of all is that there tends to be a relationship or genetic factor to becoming a sociopath.  Statistically speaking, there is a higher chance of becoming a sociopath if you have a parent that is one.  How do you prevent that?  Well, you work extra hard at becoming the stable figure that your children need.  You limit, as much as you possibly can, the contact between sociopath parent and child.  You demonstrate love, nurturing, and healthy relations as consistently as possible.  You be as honest as you can with your children to demonstrate the benefits of truth.  Try not to destroy the image of the other parent for the sake of your children; the truth about the other parent will usually reveal itself to the children in time.  Be sure to be there full force when your children do start to discover the truth about the sociopath, for they are sure to be confused and hurt.

It’s not easy to protect your children, especially when you are forced to go through family courts and the sociopath parent is awarded visitation.  In my case it has taken an incredible amount of time, money, and documentation to slowly reveal what my children’s father truly is.  Most people don’t have the luxury of time or money; it has certainly taken a toll on our family.  I’m sure if I had the kind of money that most attorneys require, my case would have gone differently and would have been done by now.   Don’t give up.

Posted in Adult Children Of Psychopaths, Children of Sociopaths., Narcissists And Sociopaths:, Particular Characteristics of Female Sociopaths Vs Males, Psychopaths have no decency in them., Psychopaths see children as an inconvenience., Socialized sociopaths

Adult Children Of Psychopaths, Narcissists And Sociopaths:

Coming from a pathological family, with the psychopath, narcissist or sociopathic parent as the center of the family universe, can create a negativity that says the glass is always empty. We are left to ‘problem solve’ throughout childhood and adolescence in survival mode, while enduring overwhelming amounts of daily abuse. We are not taught to create solution to problems but to avoid them, as this keeps the mask of the pathological parent and family secure.

As adults, through God’s grace, we come to awareness about how sick and pathological our families are. Most often, this awareness occurs through the extremes we experience in a love relationship with a disordered one.

We begin to note that the behaviors exhibited by our partner’s are severe and extreme, whether it’s manipulation, gas lighting, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial or spiritual abuse of any kind, something about their behaviors and our reactions to it, awaken us to the truth about psychopathy, narcissism and sociopathy.

If we are not carrying a Cluster B personality disorder of our own, the hope for awareness, I believe, will increase. This awareness presents an opportunity for validation about our experiences with our pathological parent, family dynamics, roles, etc.

It becomes clearer to us over time, and as we get older and continue to choose partners that are disordered and situations that are highly dramatic and chaotic, including friendships.

Depending upon how intense the relationship, it can take one relationship or several more, each one increasingly more pathological and sick than the last, before we can see the pattern of our own behaviors and choices, clearly, as well as the behavior of our partners and parent/family.

Coming to awareness about our family background after the break up of a romantic relationship, can be shocking to us. As we explore the reasons for the partnered relationship demise, in desperation, we stumble upon information about the disorders. And as we process the relationship, we begin to see that our lives may be full of Cluster B’s, including our own family of origin (FOO).

We find ourselves feeling only slightly validated after reading about the behaviors exclusive to the Cluster B, but there is so much more to sort through on an emotional level for an adult child of psychopaths, narcissists and sociopath. Recognizing the behaviors in our family of origin, we begin to ask questions, see abuse tactics used by the parent and the roles that we and our siblings played and continue to play.

Adult children who are intuitive and empathic, may find that even their siblings are disordered or extremely emotionally troubled in some way. When we dare to confront, on some level, the family dynamic, directly with the pathological parent or with the siblings, we may find ourselves under attack, manipulated, gas lighted, the focus of the family problems from the beginning.

We may see reactions as we confront our parent or other family members while asking questions and trying to ‘correct’ the ‘problems’ that are spontaneous, sudden and extreme. Unprepared for battle in all our pain, anguish and confusion, we are not validated, but find ourselves invalidatedmore.

We have not yet digested that they are incapable of validation, that they too are lacking in conscience and empathy. What we are seeking in safety, or with hope, is anything but safe and can be very dangerous to us. While a survivor might know that something is wrong, that her ex partner is definitely disordered, when it comes to this reality about the family, things are far more enmeshed and skewed, viewing life from the original and distorted pathological lens. . .

Many survivors with pathological parents, come to me upon this discovery in reading my work and connecting the dots, already embroiled in extraordinary amounts of abuse from the parent or family, as they begin to think about no contact and escape. Most have already begun to confront their family members about the family dynamic, some are in such dangerous situations that it’s not possible to do so, yet the confusion and pain is intense for them.

They are beaten down from not only a pathological partner or close friendship, but also from years of exploitation, manipulation and other forms of abuse from family members. Often the pathological parent is on the ‘war path’ with the survivor and has engaged siblings or other family members to activate their roles to an all time high in order to invalidate and silence the perceived threat, the survivor as one about the open the pandora’s box of family abuse and secrets.

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