History of terminology – Professionals may use the term parental alienation or incorporate Dr. Childress’s terms AB parenting or pathogenic parenting. Notably, the nomenclature is an issue addressed over the years.
Quote: “This is about power, manipulation and control by a selfish often mentally unwell parent who hates their ex more than they love their own child. The mourning for the child and parent is a (sic) ongoing till the day the child is old enough to break free to love that parent. Sometimes the damage is irreversible where the child cannot bond because they have lived a life of conflicted thoughts and suppression.
Fact: Alienation occurs in around 10% of its private law caseload, involving around 6,000 children a year. A. Douglas, Cafcass chief executive “When contact is re-established between the parent and the child, the damage is already done. Especially if the accusing parent has utilized alienating tactics, bringing the child into adult situations, planting false memories, or instilling fear toward the accused parent into the child.” The Fathers Right’s Movement.
The reason parents file false allegations in custody cases is for the simple reason; they work. False allegations are made because one party possesses the deceptive belief this will give the accusing parent the upper hand based on the premise the accusations permanently damage the accused parent on an immediate and long-term basis.
One rationale why lying is rampant in family court is because differentiating a lie from the truth is difficult. In a custody battle, both parents may exchange mutual accusations about the other parent. “Anger, bitterness and need to destroy the other becomes paramount.”
There is rarely, if any, penalty to the accuser while the accused is unwillingly pushed into an oppressive life of nightmarish qualities. The Kafkaesque inspired existence is where the accused will struggle against their will using all assets, reserves and supplies within reach; however, the truth is that the accused does not stand a chance, continues fighting and full of hope even within the air of bleakness.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but here’s a little secret: it’s NOT going to go down the way you want it to.
The narcissist isn’t going to cower in shame, cry, or finally see the light of reason. They’ll never allow you to have closure because their entire personality relies on having the upper hand in every interaction.
When a narcissist knows you are onto them, things go from bad to hell before you can even process what’s happening – but that’s exactly the narcissist’s strategy.
If you’re committed to exposing a narcissist, please read the list below before following through. In many cases, exposing a narcissist can backfire and make things much worse for you.
Does this mean you should put up with their abuse? Absolutely not.
However, you should weigh the pros and cons of letting them know you’ve figured them out.
Narcissists define the word “reactionary.” When a narcissist knows you’re onto them, they dial all their worst toxic and abusive qualities up to 10 and go full self-destruct Samson mode.
Whatever the gaslighter/narcissist is or whatever he is doing, he will assign those characteristics or behaviors to you. It’s done almost to comedic effect – if it wasn’t so potentially damaging to your career. At work, your gaslighting/narcissistic boss will write on your performance review that you are always late. However, you are punctual to a fault – it’s your boss who consistently shows up late. Your coworker accuses you of hacking into their laptop – however, you have seen him lurking around your laptop when he thought you couldn’t see him. Your kleptomaniac cubemate is constantly accusing you of stealing things off her desk.
In a relationship, the gaslighter/narcissist will constantly accuse you of cheating. He will check your phone, barrage you with questions when you are 30 minutes late from work, even have you followed. You have given no signs that you are cheating, yet your gaslighting/narcissist partner brings up your supposed cheating all the time. However, as is the case with many gaslighters/narcissists, they are actually are doing the cheating (McNulty and Widman, 2014). When you confront the gaslighter/narcissist about his cheating, he turns it around on you and says you are accusing him because you are one really doing the cheating. The gaslighter/narcissist continues his game of projection- now using it as a strategy to deflect from being caught. Continue reading “Projection: A Gaslighter’s Signature Technique”→
Whenever a narcissistic person feels threatened, they will call you the things that they themselves are as or are afraid that others see them as. And then they will try to stalk you, slander you, or discredit you. They will try to sabotage and destroy you. They will start a smear campaign and attempt character assassination. In their mind, frighteningly, you have become their mortal enemy.
They also have no problem doing all of it preemptively and calling it defense.
So if you privately call them out, set healthier boundaries, or end the relationship, they may be afraid that you can see their flaws, or that you will tell others what kind of person they are. Whether you do that or not is not important to them. Because in their mind the mere possibility of it is a good enough excuse to label you as an enemy. And because a narcissistic type of person has little or no empathy, they may imagine that you will behave as they would in these situations. If they would lie, or more likely are already lying, they will accuse you of lying.
And so they will do all these things just because they think you are somehow trying to or might hurt them. They also will accuse you of the very things they themselves are doing.
I bring with me years of relationship experience (both good and bad), I perform Counseling and Therapy using a combination of unique therapies. I am passionate about the work I do and have a desire to help other people get what they deserve! I understand that all people are different and that no one persons past hurt or current circumstances are the same. I will use my knowledge, experience and intuition to help you overcome those negative and destructive patterns that are holding you back right now. I will teach you how to get to the core of these issues, so you can create an abundant life, move on after a hurtful break-up, build a successful business and find real intimacy and an authentic love that you always dreamt of! “There is a better way – TRUST ME I KNOW, because I have been there, where you are right now.”
The empathy gap has also been an important idea in research about the causes of bullying.:IV In one study examining a central theory that, “only by identifying with a victim’s social suffering can one understand its devastating effects,” researchers created five experiments. The first four examined the degree to which participants in a game who were not excluded could estimate the social pain of participants who were excluded. The findings were that those who were not socially excluded consistently underestimated the pain felt by those who were excluded. A survey included in the study directed at teachers’ opinions of school policy toward bullying found that those with an experience of social pain, caused by bullying, often rated the pain experienced by those facing bullying or social exclusion as higher than teachers who did not have such experience, and further, that teachers who had experienced social pain were more likely to punish students for bullying.
A hot-cold empathy gap is a cognitive bias in which people underestimate the influences of visceral drives on their own attitudes, preferences, and behaviors.
The most important aspect of this idea is that human understanding is “state-dependent”. For example, when one is angry, it is difficult to understand what it is like for one to be calm, and vice versa; when one is blindly in love with someone, it is difficult to understand what it is like for one not to be, (or to imagine the possibility of not being blindly in love in the future). Importantly, an inability to minimize one’s gap in empathy can lead to negative outcomes in medical settings (e.g., when a doctor needs to accurately diagnose the physical pain of a patient), and in workplace settings (e.g., when an employer needs to assess the need for an employee’s bereavement leave).
Hot-cold empathy gaps can be analyzed according to their direction:
Hot-to-cold: People under the influence of visceral factors (hot state) don’t fully grasp how much their behavior and preferences are being driven by their current state; they think instead that these short-term goals reflect their general and long-term preferences.
Cold-to-hot: People in a cold state have difficulty picturing themselves in hot states, minimizing the motivational strength of visceral impulses. This leads to unpreparedness when visceral forces inevitably arise.
They can also be classified in regards to their relation with time (past or future) and whether they occur intra- or inter-personally:
intrapersonal prospective: the inability to effectively predict their own future behavior when in a different state. See also projection bias.