The loyalty bind with a narcissist is different than other loyalty binds, in that it requires the individual involved with the narc to choose between the narcissist and herself. And of course, when you’re the child of the narcissist it is no contest. The child will choose her parent’s desires every time. One woman explained to her therapist when he asked her to visualize her abusive mother as a lion and put her in a cage. The therapist wanted his client to realize she could walk away safely from her mother, whom the client perceived as dangerous. What the therapist failed to comprehend was the plight of a narcissist’s child’s experience with regard to the loyalty bind. This woman explained to the therapist, “As a child of a narcissist, I will get inside the cage with the lion.” This grown “child” has been indoctrinated, brainwashed, conditioned, trained, and programmed to do whatever her parent wants – no questions asked. She has learned well that she is to be loyal to her parent,
As someone who works with alienated children almost daily, I know a lot about the subject of parental alienation. I read a lot about it as well as write about it but most of what I know comes direc…
Taken from http://narcissistsupport.com/6-common-lies-narcissist/ read the full posts including all examples by clicking the above link.
The more stories I hear from other victims of narcissists, the more common threads become apparent. And although narcissists tend to be compulsive liars, most of their “larger” lies seem to fall within seven different categories. Keep in mind that Narcissism/Sociopathy is a spectrum–so a person may tell small or big lies in these areas. They may tell all seven kinds of lies, or as few as one (but par for the course seems to be 3 or more of these lies). I wanted to use examples so you could see what these lies look like in action, and many of the examples listed below are (unfortunately) taken from both my own experiences, and the experiences of some friends.
1. Military service/heroic acts of duty. Many Narcissists assert that they were either in the Military (and they weren’t), were in a top secret/important unit in the Military (and they weren’t) or were in the Military for longer than they really were. If they did actually join the Military, then odds are they’ve milked it for all it’s worth, talking about their service, or throwing in that they were in the Military when it could benefit them.
2. Deep religious or spiritual beliefs. Many Narcissists are ministers, youth leaders, and hold other various positions of prestige in their church. To listen to them speak, they are “super Christian” or “super Buddhist”, and if you didn’t know better you’d think that they really practiced what they preached. An extreme example of this would be Warren Jeffs, leader and one of the many self-proclaimed “Prophets” of the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS). Jeffs created a polygamist compound on the Utah-Arizona border, and he, along with many other men in the compound were arrested for sexual assault and rape of many of the minor children there. Jeffs considers his blood, as well as his bloodline to be “royal,” and believes that he was chosen by God to lead his followers. Jim Baker would be another preacher whose actions didn’t line up with his words, as he was busted for hiring prostitutes and “misusing” funds he’d collected for his ministry.
3. Advanced Degrees/Business owners/success. Because many Narcissists are so appearances and image driven, it’s not uncommon for them to lie about having PhDs, medical degrees, other advanced degrees, or claiming that they owned a business of some sort and had great success.
4. Cheating/Fidelity. Sex is one of the Narcissist’s best weapons. Narcissists are the ultimate hypocrites, and demand complete fidelity and honesty, but never return it. They will often even project their cheating onto their victim, accusing him or her of the act! Perhaps the number one way most victims come to learn about Narcissists is when they catch them cheating the second, third, or fourth time.
5. Using other people’s stories, ideas or efforts as their own. Some Narcissists will “borrow” other people’s stories and pass them off as their own. At times they will even do this in front of other people that were there when the real story happened! They value a good story over the truth any day of the week.
6. Outlandish stories. Narcissists can come up with some crazyyy stories. They are so over the top that the listener knows they’ve got to be made up, yet the Narcissist keeps going.
7. Money. Many will pretend that they are more financial stable than they are, or that at one time they had a lot of money.
For all the complaints most parents make about spoiled children, children really do have very little power over their parents. This is even more true in the case of a child with an NPD parent, since the child intimately knows the unpredictability, implied threats and intense rages that the parent demonstrates. The child learns early in life to ‘duck and cover’ by constantly appeasing the childish whims (that change with the breeze) of the NPD parent. The child becomes terrified that if they speak to anyone outside of the family about their very ill parent, no one will listen or believe them, since the NPD parent is a master of the ‘false face’ in public. Secondarily, the child is terrified that their complaint will get back to the NPD parent, and they will pay a high penalty for this.
read the complete article here:-http://hubpages.com/health/The-Child-Victim-of-a-Narcissistic-Personality-Disordered-Parent
I was the child of two parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) growing up. My mother had BPD and my father had BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They were both alcoholics. Both were highly invalidating and emotionally unavailable. They worked and had some functionality but drank every night and weekends. They were both fairly angry to outrightly raging often. The only person they regularly raged at was me. Once in a while my younger brother would catch part of their rages but I was the one they chose to be the container of all the emotions they were dissociated from – their pain – pain that was only expressed as rage.
For more go to: ajmahari.caAdult-children of a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder, whether or not you are also diagnosed with BPD often have profound scars from childhood that have lasting consequences. Understanding more about rage in your borderline parent and the different ways it can manifest is important. Under the central core wound of abandonment that is a consequence of, among other things, the abandoned pain of BPD there is such pain from theshame of that abandonment that rage is not only a common response but a necessary one. Most adult children of a borderline parent, have in one way or another suffered greatly due to the rage and anger of the borderline parent’s anger/rage whether it is obviously shown or not.
read the full story here:- My Narcissistic Father’s Attempt to Make a Mini-Me
Both of my parents are narcissists who divorced when I was six. I resided primarily with my mother and spent every other weekend at my father’s. One Saturday my father arrived unannounced. He had me get in the back seat of his car and said “Here, catch”
An over-sized, leather baseball mitt landed in my lap.
“Uh-oh” I thought.
Back then, my father was a prominent businessman in the town bordering my mothers. So he didn’t take me to little league tryouts where my friends would be. Instead, he took me to the field in the next town over where all his business contacts’ kids were trying out.
See, my father was some hotshot—by his accounts—baseball player in high school and college. Since I was his son, he figured that I’d have the same talent. So he took me to where he could show me off by having his kid mirror his talent. Essentially, he was looking for me to outperform all his friends’ kids so people could see how great he was.
He really should have played at least one game of catch with me first.
Isn’t is puzzling? No matter how much you ignore your narcissistic parent they keep coming back to you. Even if you say “I don’t want any contact with you,” they’re back.
It’s like trying to stop that stray dog from following you home.
When your narcissistic father is pursuing you, it’s almost possible to believe he loves you.
But he doesn’t. He’s not capable of loving you. He’ll tell you he loves you. But when you think back you realize that he’s never demonstrated unconditional love for you. His “love” has always been conditional on how much adoration and praise you shower on him.
That’s not love.
The Disappearing Narcissistic Parent
Back in the early 90s, I was having a rough time making it, financially speaking. The bad economy decimated the town I was living in. There were few jobs to be found. I found three part-time jobs—the highest paying being $5 per hour—and a $60 a week apartment about the size of a refrigerator box.
I couldn’t afford a car so I walked to work. The nearest grocery store was over a mile away, so I was limited in what I could purchase each trip.
I couldn’t afford a phone, so I couldn’t leave a phone number on job applications to get a higher paying job.
My narcissistic mother knew the situation I was in. She never came around to check on me. Never offered a ride to the grocery store so I could stock up. Never had me come over to do my laundry so I didn’t have to carry a garbage bag of clothes a half mile. And she certainly didn’t offer to help out with my expenses.
I didn’t see much of her for a couple years. Yet when I got back on my feet and had a respectable job I heard from her all the time.
read more here:- Why Your Narcissistic Parent Needs You
What Are The Types of Narcissistic Parents?
Narcissistic Parents fall into two different categories. Engulfing parents and ignoring parents. Both of these types of Narcissistic Parents are incredibly damaging to their children.
1) Engulfing Parents: are Narcissistic Parents who see no boundaries between themselves and their children. Children are seen as extension of the parent – not as another person. For babies and toddlers, this is okay – small children don’t often see themselves as separate from their parents anyway.
An engulfing parent uses tactics like Parentification, Infantilization, and Triangulation (see glossary above) to keep the child close. This type of narcissistic parent will ignore all boundaries as a child ages, seeing no problem asking overly personal questions, reading the child’s emails and personal stories.
2) Ignoring Parents: are Narcissistic Parents who don’t actually care much about their children. Unlike Engulfing Parents, an Ignoring Parent sees the boundary between themselves and their child, and has no interest in their child.
This can be extremely confusing and bewildering as the child grows to feel unloved, uncared for, hindering future relationships for this child. Often, an Ignoring Parent doesn’t even bother helping a child with physical cleanliness, teaching hygiene, or helping with school work.
Sibling Dynamics In Narcissistic Parent Households:
If there are several children in a Narcissistic Household, the dynamic may be one of the Golden Child versus the Scapegoat, which can cause major friction and rightful jealousy between the children.
The Golden Child, seen as an extension of the Narcissistic Parent, can do no wrong, and even the most minor of achievements are cause for celebration, admiration, and rewards.
The Scapegoat Child is to blame for all of the family woes. While the Golden Child can do no wrong, the Scapegoat Child can do no right. All achievements are dismissed.
Clearly, this imbalance causes problems between the children, and offers the Narcissistic Parent the opportunity to Triangulate, as the Narcissistic Parent acts as a go-between between the children.
Traits of Narcissistic Parents:
While these traits may not match all Narcissistic Parents, what follows are some common traits of Narcissistic Parents:
1) A Narcissistic Parent has difficulty understanding the emotions of empathy and how to create meaningful connections. As the personal needs of Narcissistic Parents dominate, these parents have little room for the needs of anyone else. It makes it almost impossible for these Narcissistic Parents to relate to the feelings and meet the physical and emotional needs of their children.
2) A Narcissistic Parent owns the successes of his or her children. In a Narcissistic Parents mind, he or she has been sacrificing everything for his or her child – the child must retaliate by performing at or above expectations. These childhood achievements are then owned by the Narcissistic Parent as their own, “he’s a great soccer player – it’s my genetics. I was always athletic, too.”
3) Narcissistic Parents must be in control. No matter what. A Narcissistic Parent controls his or her children by dictating how these children should feel, should act, and the decisions to be made. This can lead to adult children of Narcissistic Parents being unsure of what they, themselves, like and want out of life. These Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents never learn to be autonomous and make his or her own decisions.
4) Narcissistic Parents emotionally blackmail their children. A Narcissistic Parent often is indulgent, kind, and sweet if a child is behaving in the way their Narcissistic Parent wants. However, the moment a child is disobedient, a Narcissistic Parent becomes enraged and cruel. This show of “I love you, go away,” creates insecurity and dependency among children of Narcissistic Parents.
How Do Narcissistic Parents Control Their Children?
There are a few ways that a Narcissistic Parent controls his or her young children. These control mechanisms include:
1) Codependent Control: “I need you. I can’t live without you.” This prevents children of Narcissistic Parents from having any autonomy, from living their own lives.
Read more about codependency.
2) Guilt-Driven Control: “I’ve given my life for you. I’ve sacrificed it all.” This method of control creates a feeling of obligation in children; that they “owe” their Narcissistic Parents and must behave in a certain way to make their parents happy.
Read more about guilt.
3) Love Withdrawal Control: “You’re worthy of my love ONLY BECAUSE you behave the way I expect you to.” So long as their children are behaving properly, a Narcissistic Parent will be loving. That love disappears the moment a child doesn’t meet expectations.
4) Goal-Oriented Control: “We have to work together to achieve a goal.” These goals are generally the goals, dreams, and fantasies of a Narcissistic Parent. A Narcissistic Parent lives vicariously through his or her children.
5) Explicit Control: “Obey me or I’ll punish you.” Children of Narcissistic Parents must do as they’re told or risk shame, guilt, anger, or even physical abuse.
6) Emotional Incest Control: “You’re my one true love, The One, the most important person to me.” An opposite-sex parent makes his or her child fulfill the unmet needs of the Narcissistic Parent.