Posted in Master / Slave Relationship with our children

Reflections on the “Master / Slave” Relationship with our children that our society has helped to create

I am sure that our problems with our adult children are because of the master and slave relationship we’ve been forced to adopt because of the child’s rights movement and the subsequent theories by the ‘experts’. 
I ask myself all the time ‘will my Adult child ever come back’. 
But then I realise I’m asking myself the wrong question.

The question I should ask is………do I want them back?

In my heart the answer would be no, not if the relationship was going to be on a master and slave basis again.

I can see from some of the other posts on groups I’ve seen recently (I don’t look very often) that this is now where the stalemate is. 

‘Accept our rules or stay alienated’. 

‘You really aren’t alone. My inbox is full with messages from many parents all with similar stories. 

These are good, decent, devoted parents who have made many sacrifices for their children only to find themselves now cut off and rejected.

I do believe that in some ways, those children who have been given so much love and devotion, have grown up to believe they’re not only ‘entitled’ to have their demands met but that they’re invulnerable too.

They haven’t felt pain yet and so they don’t feel or see the pain they’re putting their parents through when they cut them off.

You didn’t do anything wrong.

We were told how to be parents and we were faced with the wrath of the higher ups if we failed to treat our children as precious and valued individuals. The children themselves were made aware of their rights and how they were ‘entitled’ to have their rights met. They learned to have overly high expectations and they learned to manipulate too.

And so now we have a generation of ego charged, invulnerable, demanding young adults who find it easy to break their family ties if their ego’s aren’t satisfied or if we offend them in some way. This is a generational issue of the parents being subservient and the slave in the relationship while the child is the master.

This is the legacy of children’s rights gone awry. The saddest thing is that at some point, these adult children will have no one to turn to when life teaches them that their ego and high expectations don’t get them far in life. 

I think rather than try and change things in the short term, which is unlikely, the point needs to be made that this current situation is a very big failure created not by parents, but by society and those ‘experts; who dictated at the time, how we should parent our children.’

Nina Wornham

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Posted in Estrangement & Cutting Off. ​, Family Alienation

Family Alienation, Estrangement & Cutting Off.

Family Alienation, Estrangement & Cutting Off. ​
Last year when I began researching the topic of estrangement, there was little out there on the internet other than a deafening silence. I may have made mistakes as a parent but I know I did my best. Being snubbed, left out of important events, discredited and cut off from both my adult children for several years, I knew I did not deserve such treatment especially after I had given money and other help along with all the sacrifices most parents make.

On the occasional forum, I observed a handful of posts written by shy parents fearful of the shame of being judged if they opened up and poured their hearts out.

In only a year, how things have changed. The floodgates are open as parents who have been cut off by adult children now openly tell of the daily heartbreak and pain in which they exist. Their bonds cruelly severed after being disowned, cast out and left out in the cold by the very people they gave birth to, the ‘tribe’ to which they belong.

Greeted by only an invisible wall of silence, they are cruelly and dismally left emotionally stranded. Uninvited to all the important occasions a parent looks forward to but are made painfully aware of through social media such as Facebook, they are unable to collect their natural heritage of precious memories. Excluded from the essence of family life, deprived of any sense of belonging, they are denied the opportunity of being part of the family they gave birth to. This often includes grandchildren as the aggrieved adult children force their own children to live their grievances, deprive them of belonging to a wider family and also deprive them of knowing their own gene pool. The long term consequences of such action can only be disastrous for all concerned especially for the grandchildren who by nature will at some point want to reconnect with their own roots.

At first it’s easy to imagine that this newly emerging social ill only exists as a result of divorced families, but it’s more than apparent that estrangement affects even the most solid, nuclear married families too. Alienation and estrangement are not biased, they can arrive within seconds of any kind of dispute where the word that lands out of a loving parent’s mouth has been NO or ‘I don’t agree’.

Stories of endless sacrifice where parents often did two jobs to cover the bills, gave up careers, borrowed money to pay off their adult child’s debts, paid for them to attend university and gain degrees, free childminding service, taxi service, free banking, loans that never got paid back, undisputed accusations, character assassinations, emotional blackmail, threats, discrediting their lives and achievements when the answer was still NO and then creating a smear campaign to make the parents look wrong to cover up the adult child’s reasons for ‘unfriending’ and casting out a devoted parent or parents into an emotionally bleak existence.

After years of servitude and sacrifice, magical Christmas mornings, birthday parties, trips away, never a forgotten special moment, estranged parents in their 1,000’s now face Christmas and birthdays alone without a card or any kind of explanation.

Meanwhile, all over the internet, messages abound, ‘stay away from toxic people’, ‘walk away from negative people’, ‘don’t give a care for anyone but yourself’, ‘only YOU matter’.
It’s easy to see where the attitude of selfishness and the right to be ‘right’ lays. The influence to be ‘your own individual and ignore everyone who dares to offend you’ is mind blowingly clear. Yet human beings rarely succeed as individuals on their own. They always operate better when they feel connected within a group.

But things are changing. A new voice is emerging and it’s an angry voice. It’s the voice of a responsible public, many are parents who have given their best only to find themselves rejected when they can no longer live up to the expectation of their adult children. They want to know what happened to loyalty, compassion, tolerance, discussion, and most of all, they want to know why?

No longer are the experts laying the blame at the door of the parents. There are too many of us. Something else in our modern world is blatantly wrong.

Why does the word ‘rights’ not equate to responsibility? Why is the word ‘entitlement’ one sided?

Why is estrangement a secret? Who wins from being estranged? What will happen to our adult children in the future when they wake up and realise they have chosen to make themselves orphans disconnected from their roots?

The parents will and are coping by coming together in their masses to share their stories and support each other. We’ve all been through loss and chaos before, we have coping strategies. We know how to survive the curved balls life has so often thrown at us. We’re surviving now.

But we’re not even concerned with ourselves. Our hearts still look out for our children. Their behaviour is guaranteed to bring them nothing but failure in future years. Estrangement is failure.
While they may believe their actions are justified in their 20’s and 30’s, what happens when they meet life in their 40’s and 50’s? They’ve trashed their family connections, blown up their bridges, burned their parents in anger and rage because of some perceived injustice that they just can’t get over and ripped the family apart till it no longer exists.

What then for our adult children?

Written by Nina Wornham. Copyright 2014.


 
 

Creating Your Own Happy Ending

Creating Your Own Happy Ending – we all deserve to feel that life offers us a retreat from the bumpy ride we sometimes have to endure. Often, when we’ve been through or are still going through a tough situation, it’s hard to imagine that a happy ending may ever happen for us. Yet by changing our focus, a happy ending may be closer than we realise.

We mostly create our own experiences of life depending on where we place our focus . If we’re focused on negative aspects of the past, we will emotionally relive them every day. If we’re frustrated or anxious about situations we cannot change, we’re living in a permanent state of being stuck. If we’re angry and resentful about our circumstances, we’re squandering our precious time by being focused on the problem instead of being focused on how we’d like to see a solution. Regardless of what’s happening in our own lives, the sun still rises and sets and a brand new day unfolds between waking and sleeping.
This is where priorities count. How important do you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10? How important is the time you have left here on planet Earth? Our planet is 4.54 billion years old. In real terms this means that the life span of an average human being equates to that of an ant. Our time here is in the blink of an eye. We mustn’t waste it. Our own happiness should be a pursuit and a priority.

Look at all the things that you can’t change and make a decision to put them on ice. Look at the things you can change and make a plan to tackle them within a reasonable time scale. Doing this gives you some clarity on what can be realistically achieved. It also moves you towards a new level of accepting any reality that was stealing your time by making you upset or angry. If it can’t be changed, let it go.

Sit quietly and close your eyes. In your mind’s eye, create a vision of what would be your happy ending. Picture being in your dream place, it can be a beautiful home or scenic place where you feel you belong. Include things like your favourite people, living or passed, pets, things that make you feel connected and as though you are finally home. Make it beautiful with your own imagination. Add some blue sky, sun rays, warmth, smell of flowers, bird song, music. You should feel at peace and totally comfortable. This is your happy place where your heart lives. This is your happy ending. Keep this vision in your mind and practice visualising it every day so that you start to create your happy ending by focusing more on what you want to bring into your life. Don’t wait for the problems to end or for a difficult situation to change. Start bringing your happy ending towards you now by focusing on how you want your future to be.

Nina