If you have been placed into the parental discard pile by an alienated adult or mature age child — read on knowing that everyone else reading, clicking like, or sharing this article is likely to absolutely feel and understand where you are intellectually and emotionally likely to be experiencing. What’s presented here is a free flow of thoughts and meditation and self-calming ideas to help you survive the day or panic attack that sets in when you realize that reality is indeed what you think.
Family courts need to be aware of the information provided by the reports of young adults about Family Bridges and other “parental alienation” treatments and to take these into account as seriously as they take the claims of program proponents. In addition, judges– and the public in general—should be alert to the rhetorical device employed by Linda Gottlieb in her contribution to the television interview, when she abuses analogies to create the argument that parental alienation can be equated with child sexual abuse.
We started early this year to make sure you have a plan to help you through one of the worst times of the year for parents and grandparents alienated from their children grandchildren.
Hopefully you will find some of the suggestions below helpful throughout Christmas and well into the new year.
We still have some time to go and I will keep posting ideas and suggestions to help you through it.
One of the most useful tools I have discovered over the past 10 years for dealing with difficult thoughts and negative emotions.
It only takes 10-15 minutes and you can practice anywhere, at home, on the train, in your lunch break, and it does not cost a penny!!!
Meditation can also help us to understand our own mind. We can learn how to transform our mind from negative to positive, from disturbed to peaceful, from unhappy to happy.
Taking care of your body and mind is the first part of the solution.
All the theory in the world is useless unless we know how to apply it and make change.
The principles we will be working with at our Emotional Healing Retreat are:
Do you ever wonder why you are so exhausted raising your kids when their other parent is a narcissist? It’s because, in all practicality, you’re a single parent. Not only that, if you are still married to the narcissist, he or she is the biggest and most difficult of all your kids. He/she causes you a high level of stress most of the time. If you are trying to co-parent with a narcissist you might as well give up right now. Repeat after me, ‘I am the only parent.’ Or, ‘He/she is not a parent.’ While the narcissist is the biological mom or dad, he/she is not interested in, nor capable of properly raising another human being. Let’s examine this concept. What does it mean to parent? Being a parent requires the following abilities and traits: Responsibility Self-sacrifice Initiative Positive role-modeling Hard work Consistency Stability Patience Perseverance Empathy and Compassion Respectability Which of these traits would you say a person with narcissism possesses? Narcissists lack
‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ – Edmund Burke Isn’t it enough that victims have to deal with the hurt and frustration caused merely by loving a narcissist? To add insult to injury, narcissists in their lives have their own personal minions, appropriately labeled as ‘flying monkeys,’ who side with them and join their ‘team’ and set out to participate in their damaging agenda to destroy the targets’ lives. Flying monkeys are the narcissist’s enablers. They come in all shapes and sizes. They may be friends, family members, pastors, and counselors. In reality, I don’t think the flying monkeys realize what they are doing. I trust that these people actually believe in the righteousness and the ’cause’ of the narcissist. Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church.
Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church. The pastor was helping them keep their marriage together. The man was a typical narcissistic, emotional abuser. The wife was a typical codependent, enabler. She went to the church for spiritual counseling and accountability for her husband’s poor treatment of her. The wife recounted to her pastor that during an argument with her husband one day he had threatened to “kill her if she didn’t get out of the car!”
The pastor had two comments for the woman, “Why didn’t you get out of the car?” and, “You know he didn’t mean he was REALLY going to kill you.”
To make matters even worse, the woman thought, perhaps, her mother-in-law would be supportive and talk some sense into her son. When she told her mother-in-law what happened, the only response she got was, “Well, you know things are said in marriage…”
Did I hear that correctly? No, I don’t think these are the types of things that are typically said in marriages. At least, I hope not.
These are two examples of flying monkeys – the pastor and the mother.
Aaron wrongly believed that the only type of abuse was physical and then only if it left a mark. This is a common misunderstanding in our culture. When he took some time to review the different types of abuse, he realized that he experienced it in his marriage, from his parents, and on occasion was guilty of abusive behavior as well. There are many other ways a person can be abused. Abuse can be manipulation, exploitation, maltreatment, neglect, violence, cruelty, harm, hurt, ill-treatment, and exploitive. The seven main ways it is manifested is through physical, mental, verbal, emotional, financial, sexual and spiritual. Legal abuse is very specific and is not readily seen, however, it does occur. The following list is not inclusive but rather provides an opportunity to explore, evaluate and discuss any potentially destructive behavior. Aaron used this list as a checklist, marking up his and other’s errors in behavior. Awareness is the first step to stopping abuse.
Mental Abuse. Has the victim experienced:
- Rage – An intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing, startling and shocking a person into compliance or silence.
- Gaslighting – Lying about the past making a person doubt their memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of past wrong behavior further causing doubt.
- The Stare – An intense stare with no feeling or anger behind it frequently mixed with the silent treatment.
- Silent Treatment – Punishing by ignoring. There is a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
- Projection – Dumping their issues onto others as if the other person did it.
- Twisting – When confronted, twisting things around to blame others for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and instead insist on an apology.
- Manipulation – Making others fear the worst such as abandonment, infidelity, rejection, or death.
- Victim Card – When all else fails, they resort to playing the victim card to gain sympathy and further control behavior.
Just think you could start 2019 with a brand new hobby or interest to look forward to. It could be something you could do and share with your children when you see them, or something that will give you the opportunity to meet new friends, or even a new partner!!
Over the years I have tried many things, Astronomy, Photography, Painting both water colour and oil, walking, music the lists goes on and on. Some of them I loved and met many new friends, some of them where just not for me, but if you don’t try you will never know.
Finding new friends isn’t always easy and comfortable. Sometimes, as much as you want to have friendships, you’d just rather curl up with a book than attend some social gathering or meet-up with a group of strangers.
Here are a few suggestions on ways to meet new people and develop friendships:
- Get involved in a sport or activity club.
- Join a book club.
- Join a MeetUp.
- Walk your dog.
- Find a business association
- Go to a cultural event.
- Join the gym.
- Take a dance class.
- Find a church or religious community.
- Hang out at a jazz or music club.
- Take an art class (or any class).
- Join the board of a charity.
- Professional Events
- Self-Improvement Clubs
- Hypnosis Groups
- Holistic Healing Groups
- Public Speaking Clubs
- Singles Clubs and Events
- Language-Driven Events and Groups
- Wine Tasting groups
The more you put yourself in social settings, the better the odds are that you’ll meet interesting, fun new people who will improve your life, even if they don’t ultimately become your best friends.
I am pleased to say I fulfilled all my ambitions for this year which included, scuba diving in Thailand, my first flying lesson, made several new friends, joined a tennis club along with many more enjoyable unplanned activities.
Make you life so interesting so when your children return you have many new hobbies and interests you may be able to share with them.
Get out there!!!