Why You Attract Toxic People

Here are six potential reasons why you might be attracting damaged men (or women):

1. Low self-esteem. In my opinion, people with low self-esteem, who don’t think they can attract someone better than a person exhibiting these bad behaviors tend to go after damaged men (or women.)

2. You don’t want to be alone. Some people can’t stand not being in a relationship. They view being single as lonely and sad. (Which is my theory for people who rush into second marriages). And so, they settle for someone they know isn’t right, because in their mind, it’s better than not having someone.

3. You’re stuck in a pattern. Here’s an example. A person’s father cheated on their mom and they knew it growing up but no one talked about it. Then let’s say they married a man who cheated and they got divorced. Now, they get into relationships with guys who cheat, because that’s all they know. There is a subconscious comfort in the familiarity and they don’t realize that they need to break this awful pattern and attract a different kind of man.

4. You don’t like or love yourself. A lack of self-love almost always leads to people dating men (or women) who aren’t right for them. Maybe they are even punishing themselves by going after people who don’t treat them well or make them happy.

5. You subconsciously don’t want to be involved with anyone. People who don’t want to be in a relationship will often go after men (or women) they know they aren’t ending up with because it’s safe. Maybe they get involved with someone who is much younger or much older, or someone just out of a long-term relationship, or someone of a different cultural background, because it’s safe. Or, they attract a big drinker, and they continue to date him for a long time because in their mind, they are saying “this guy is great to date, but I would never marry someone who drinks this much.” So, if there’s no way it’s going to turn into a marriage, and in their mind, they don’t want marriage, that works out perfectly.

6. Isn’t every man (and woman) damaged in a way? I’ll come right out and say it. I’m damaged. That doesn’t make me a bad person, or a person who can’t have a successful relationship in the future. But let’s call a spade a spade. A divorced person (and really, anyone who is older and who has lived a life) is in a way, damaged.


4 thoughts on “Why You Attract Toxic People

    1. Good afternoon Kauni, I am not the author of the original post but I hear what you say. At the end of the day its just some one else’s opinion!! Thanks for taking the time to read my site. Linda


  1. If there’s no other reasons why you have entered a relationship that has turned out to be toxic, then why would you leave them?! if you Are a wreck of a person with no self-esteem, no love for yourself, find comfort in men that cheat on you, then the damage that the relationship is going to cause you won’t be noticed.
    Linda as a psychotherapist, I’m disappointed with your judgment on this one. Firstly, what are the attributes to be attracted to someone that is toxic? I’m going to hazard a guess, insensitive, no compassion, possibly derogatory, bullying, no affection. How exactly can you enter into a relationship with a person like this? They are clearly giving off signals that they have no intention of letting anyone near.
    As you work with relationships I’m sure you know that at the beginning of a relationship you find them wonderful, they put on their best self. A person with all the lousy attributes that you have listed, would no way have enough confidence to get near to a toxic person, that has got the confidence to be vile to you and all strangers, without seeing or feeling a definitive unmistakable period of neon flashing signs, that they are interested in you and not going to just turn around and go.
    There is another lady on Facebook that is also a psychotherapist and counsels couples and domestic abuse victims etc. She also has the idea that the victim is responsible for choosing the abusive, toxic relationship and needs to be able to spot a toxic relationship before it begins. That way there would be no more toxic relationships, no more domestic violence would there Linda? Because the women will be able to tell the toxic male and vice versa. And as sure as evolution happens toxic people will die out of society!
    All I have to say as a domestic violence survivor, is at least I didn’t marry my toxic relationship partner, probably because I was none of those things in your list, in fact the reverse and as you can tell from other survivors on here we are a a bold confident lot. That’s why they wanted us in the first place.


    1. Good morning Liza, Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my blog.Interesting response, but may I point out that I am not the author of this document, it was written for the Huffington Post and I have reblogged because I thought it was of interest to some of my readers. I am not a psychotherapist, and this is not my judgement. I too entered into a TOXIC relationship totally unaware. I also have Toxic relatives, but that’s another story. Thank you for your contribution.Do you have a blog or website?


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