The primary mistake with abusers

The primary mistake with abusers is to reinforce their victim identity by:

• Emphasizing childhood or other experiences in which they were mistreated
• Validating their resentment and anger as “appropriate,” which validates the distorted perspectives that go with anger and resentment
• Reinforcing their sense of entitlement — they should be respected, which, to them, means their partners must submit
• Confronting them in shame-inducing ways, before they learn to regulate shame with compassion

The primary mistake with victims is urging them to think and sound like abusers. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200905/the-line-between-victims-and-abusers