Recognize that she may not have the capacity to change. Grieve what you need to grieve.
She may be living a miserable life, but not know or have the insight to change her belief system. She’s even less likely to understand the impact of her behavior on you and others.
Thus, you have to grieve. You’re acknowledging you’re never going to have the mother-child relationship you desire with her. If your expectations change as you realize she doesn’t have the capacity to make the changes you would love, your own life may be made more calm and less chaotic. In turn this can allow you see what you can enjoy about the relationship as it exists.
4) Have compassion for yourself and look for other supportive, nurturing relationships.
Your mom has significant mental problems and yet, you may still be trying to give her the chance to love you well. It’s not what should have happened and it’s certainly not an easy place to be. You can’t “make up” for having a sick mother, but you can find other relationships that can be healing. Perhaps the mother of a good friend, an older neighbor, or your mother-in-law.
Realize that your mother may feel treated and have great difficulty knowing that you’re growing closer to someone else; she may even try to sabotage that relationship.
If she does not have capacity to honor potential new boundaries that you establish, you can work to not be governed by her reaction to you being loved well by someone else. You’ve done nothing wrong, and a healthier mom would be happy for you, not jealous or insecure. https://drmargaretrutherford.com/when-mom-is-emotionally-unstable-7-ways-to-heal/