If you had told me, five years ago, that my alienated step-children would ‘come round’ I would’ve enquired what you were smoking. The hate was so tangible you could almost taste it. Yet now, the unimaginable has happened. My step-children, who were wracked with anger and spewing insults at their father, Rhys, and me are changing their tunes. Reaching out. Craving contact.
They can finally see who is the villain…and who is not.
Many a good man has kissed his child(ren), alienated and brainwashed by the vindictive other parent, goodbye with the words, ‘Well, if you hate me so much, I won’t force you to have visitation with me. But I’ll always be here. When you grow up and realise that I wasn’t the villain of this story, reach out. I’ll always be here’.
My husband, Rhys, found himself backed into that position by almost the worst case of Parental Alienation I’ve ever observed. It took a long time, but he finally realised that trying to be a very involved, attentive father where he wasn’t wanted at all by his children, was making the situation worse.
Having accomplished her ultimate goal of pushing Rhys into so-called ‘abandonment’, his ex-wife was quick to petition the courts for sole custody which they immediately granted. It was merely a gesture. She’d always had full custody in practise, though not on paper. Now she had all the power and control she craved in fact and in law. She was chuffed.
‘When the kids grow up’, Rhys sighed, ‘then they’ll figure out who she truly is’.
You could almost smell the fear. The fear that Da would disappear. That he wasn’t here to stay. They couldn’t get enough of Rhys. There was so much catching up to do. Some of the phone conversations lasted four, five, even six hours at at time. Rhys was emotionally and physically exhausted.
At first, Rhys’ grief was for all the abuse his children had borne at the hands of the ‘good’ parent who had alienated him, the supposedly ‘bad’ parent. At pain of physical injury, his children had kept mum, never daring to tell Rhys just how bad home was with their mum and her man-of-the-moment threatening and beating them. I’ve never seen Rhys weep so hard nor be so angry.
Now Rhys has a new kind of grief. The pain of discovering that his young adult children are already involved in every life-destroying vice, even crime, leaving a trail of destruction and fatherless children in their wake. Now a second generation is growing up in broken homes, alienated from their fathers, Rhys’ sons.
As Rhys wife, I hadn’t expected just how accurately Rhys’ children would follow the pattern of the mother they claim to hate. It’s heartbreaking to watch the pattern of dysfunction repeat itself verbatim in the next generation. I also hadn’t expected just how much they would reminisce with Rhys about his past life. They think nothing of constantly bringing up Rhys’ ex-girlfriends, one of whom went on to marry Rhys’ son, a marriage his siblings consider incestuous. I was raised with a certain sensitivity, a delicacy that dictates one does not reminisce about exes in the presence of a current spouse. Rhys and his children have no such tact and seemed shocked, even confused, as to why it would upset me.
Actress Miranda Richardson nailed one of them this week: Britain has a “hideous” approach to success, she said. She’s right.
Richardson is chairman of the judges for the Women’s Prize for Fiction. She was keen to see novelist Hilary Mantel on the shortlist but feared a backlash. Why? For the simple reason that Mantel has won two prestigious awards and may now be vilified for “having too much success” (a fate that befell Lady Thatcher for having the temerity to win three general elections in a row for her party, but let that pass).
The actress referred to “tall poppy syndrome”, describing the attitude thus: “‘You’ve already had too much success and you can’t have any more. Go away and die now.’ People are quite vitriolic. I think it’s disgusting.”
Britain loves a rags-to-riches story, right? Or we claim to love one. But in fact, there’s nothing the public likes better than a story of riches turned to disgrace. Sometimes, the disgrace is richly deserved, but at other times, the country seems so habituated to the ritual of a good pillorying that it collectively forgets being successful is not, in itself, a crime.
The CBB star, 26, wrote in her UK newspaper column that Britain as a nation are envious and would rather hit out that successful people than make something of their own lives.
She said: “We don’t encourage or reward success – in fact, quite the opposite. We live in nation of green-eyes monsters, people with chips on their shoulders and citizens too lazy to go out and actually get what they want.”
Controversial mum-of-one Luisa admitted she can’t understand why successful people – women especially – get so much hate.
“British people hate successful people”
Parents who are emotionally unavailable are often immature and psychologically affected themselves. As difficult as it is to believe, emotionally unavailable parents have a host of their own problems that might go back as far as their own childhood. There is often a deficit in parents who are unable to meet the emotional and psychological needs of their child. In a sense, some emotionally void parents deserve sympathy as they are often emotionally burned adults who have no way of coping with their own emotional and psychological needs. As a result, these kind of parents become one of the following: rejecting, emotionally distant, immature, self-centered or narcissistic, or driven to succeed in life. These adults are not emotionally what their stated (or chronological) age says they are. They are pseudo-mature in many ways which often pushes the child to become adult-like and emotionally independent before their time. The parent maintains negative patterns of behavior due to lack of self-awareness, often affecting the child in more ways than one, while the child sinks further and further into despair. Sadly, these same kids develop into emotionally needy teens and adults who are longing for the love, security, and affection they never received.
Source: 7 Consequences of Having an Emotionally Detached Parent
What was your upbringing like?
Would you be able to point out some really stable points in time where your parent was everything you needed?
Would you be able to point out some really unstable points in time?
If you are able to point out both you most likely had a “normal” upbringing.
But if all you can recall are negative and unstable periods of time that were possibly even traumatic, you most likely grew up under an unhealthy and psychologically unstable parent.
In this article/video, I discuss the 25 signs your parent may have been unstable.
When most people think of parents they think of individuals who are loving, supportive, caring, healthy, stable, and goal-oriented. The parent has decided to take care of the child/children they have brought into the world. There is almost like this inherent or “built-in” promise to raise and love the child.
Source: 25 Signs You Grew Up With An Unhealthy Parent
That’s why they have success manipulating new people and especially the public because they will get not close enough to the NPD ever,the only people that see through that facade is the family members,suppose,because they have spend a really quality time with them,because a NPD gets bored fast so he will drop that facade no matter what sooner or later.
It’s EXHAUSTING to be a narcissist. Public supply requires a lot of effort.
They always want the most supply at the lowest cost. It’s easy to abuse their loved ones “behind closed doors” and maintain that supply. Not only is it effective with a codependent (their preferred victim), but it eventually creates a Stockholm syndrome situation.
Because they are predators and want to be seen better than they really are. Their goal is to make the public think that they are the sweetest Hufflepuffs around but once others find out there is something wrong with them or that the narcissist abuses their partner, the narcissist always strives to be seen as the victim, not an abuser.
The same reason a chameleon changes it’s colors while out in the wild. If they appear as their ‘real’ selves people wouldn’t give them the time of day. In order not to blow their cover and show the world what outrageous evil & manipulative assholes they truly are they have to change up the script and put their Mr. or Ms. faux nice guy/gal mask on and put on the bullshit show, that side of themselves (the unnatural side) in order to lure in their next new & unsuspecting victim(s). If they showed their true selves to the public they wouldn’t stand a chance at snagging themselves new supply much less be able to spin up a new web in order to ensnare you with my pretty. Continue reading “Why do narcissists behave differently behind closed doors than in public?”