Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

IF YOU ARE DRAWN TO PEOPLE WITH NARCISSISTIC QUALITIES, BE CLEAR ABOUT WHY

If you have been drawn to people with narcissism, it may be because it is simply a familiar dynamic. But it can also reflect an unconscious hope that if you can find a person with narcissistic tendencies who happens to treat you well, it will make up for what you didn’t get years ago from a parent with narcissism. It is an understandable wish. Yet relationships with people with narcissism are often disappointing and superficial because people with narcissism generally don’t care about treating others well.

You don’t have to deny your desire for justice, validation, or reparation. But you can never get back lost years, nor are you likely to get an apology.

If you feel unfulfilled in a relationship or wonder if a friend or partner has narcissism, ask yourself why you are with them. Do you hope to change or reform them? Do you hope someday they will see how good you are and mend their ways? Pursuing relationships with people with narcissism may simply postpone facing the painful recognition that your parent couldn’t be there for you. Accepting and mourning that unfortunate truth can allow you to focus on what is best for you and pick healthier relationships.

You don’t have to deny your desire for justice, validation, or reparation. But you can never get back lost years, nor are you likely to get an apology. You will almost certainly never be rescued if you wait for it. The only person who can make it right is you, by your choices and by how you treat and view yourself. Continue reading “IF YOU ARE DRAWN TO PEOPLE WITH NARCISSISTIC QUALITIES, BE CLEAR ABOUT WHY”

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The harsh reality of “perspecticide” in a coercive control relationship

People subjected to perspecticide often blame themselves, as they feel despairing and disoriented. It can be hard for them to figure out exactly what’s wrong. Controlling partners serve as a filter for the outside world, gradually forcing their victims to lose the support of family, friends, and coworkers. Isolated and controlled in this way, victims lose self-esteem and have trouble remembering what they once thought, felt, and believed. There is hope, however, for victims of perspecticide and coercive control. And recovering one’s own perspectives and life is mighty sweet.

For more information on how to recognize perspecticide and reclaim your sense of self after a controlling relationship, please check out Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

People imprisoned in their own lives

Prospecticide is a situation of control and manipulation that is difficult to detect because it usually comes from the closest people, with whom we have profound emotional ties. Moreover, in many cases this control relationship is not based on violence and aggression, but rather the messages are full of “good intentions”.

The manipulator makes the victim believe that he is right and that he does everything “for his own good”. He often presents himself as “savior” or “guardian” of the “defenseless” person who presumably needs help.

His strategy is to make us feel weak, helpless, powerless and insecure to take our responsibilities. So we become prisoners of our lives almost without realizing it, because we end up using the labels that the manipulator has assigned us, assuming the identity that he has carefully prepared for us.

The manipulator will repeat to nausea several messages, with the aim that these become our truth. Often it will exaggerate the facts, to use them in its favor. Phrases like: “you are nobody without me” or “if I do not defend you, others will take advantage of you” are common and make the person feel defenseless. These sentences change the victim’s self-concept, making him doubt his abilities and generating fear. The manipulator does not authorize or allow the person next to him grow, on the contrary, he humiliates and crushes him.

It should be emphasized that these extremes are not always reached. In some cases, the victim retains a certain decision-making power, but feels definitively guilty of the decisions he makes because he knows that they do not satisfy the other person.

There are some warning signs that can indicate that you are victim of a situation of emotional and mental awe:

– Whenever you feel more insecure about your decisions or they generate a strong sense of guilt.

– Feel that you are losing points of reference, it is as if you were walking on quicksand because you start to doubt your most deeply rooted convictions, just because they do not correspond to those of the other.

– You are developing an emotional dependency on the other person, allowing him to control small details of your life.

– You feel incapable of doing great things alone, and each time you need more the opinion of the other.

– You have the feeling of not recognizing yourself anymore or having started applying negative labels that do not allow you to grow or become authoritative.

– You begin to doubt your opinions and abilities, adopting as truth the vision of the world of the other. Continue reading “People imprisoned in their own lives”

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

How is the perspecticide produced?

The perspecticide always implies an unhealthy relationship, of control and/or manipulation, so over time the dominant person changes the victim’s way of thinking and seeing. The manipulator ends up defining the world of the submitted subject. It defines what love is, how the relationship must be and also determines what the other person should think.

Of course, it is not the reciprocal influence that occurs naturally in all intimate relationships, it is a much more damaging phenomenon and one-sided in which one person dominates completely and the other loses his identity and the ability to decide of his life.

Gradually, the manipulator is narrowing the world of his victim. Not just isolating him from the others, so that they cannot warn him of the potential danger, but also begins to judge his ideas and feelings. In this way, the manipulator imposes his vision of the world.

The most common techniques are:

– Decide how the victim should invest his time. Little by little, the manipulator convinces his victim that it is worth spending time on the activities he/she likes. In this way the victim abandons many of the things he liked to satisfy the desires of the other, and ends up taking as his own.

– Obsessively checking the details of everyday life. The manipulator usually exercises an obsessive control over every detail of his victim’s life, to the point that it loses all the power of decision-making even on the most insignificant aspects of daily life, which are dictated by who has the control.

– Sets the terms of the relationship. The manipulator does not reconcile or negotiate, but imposes the terms of the relationship. He submits his victim by imposing his rules and his vision of how the relationship should be. The other person has only two options: allow himself be submitted or break the relationship.

– Change of the concept of self. The manipulator makes sure to “steal” the concept of self from his victim, replacing it with his own. In this way, the perception of the victim changes starting to see itself with the eyes of the other, which can lead him to believe, for example, that he is not able to accomplish anything or that desperately needs him/her to be happy. Continue reading “How is the perspecticide produced?”

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Perspecticide: The “brainwashing” technique used by manipulators

What exactly does it mean perspecticide?

The term “perspecticide” is a neologism, although in reality it is not completely new because it was used for the first time in reference to the brainwashing of prisoners of war. The term has also been used to explain the psychological mechanisms that make people fall into the networks of sects. This term is the union of the words perspective and pesticide.

In practice, the perspecticide implies losing our perspective even thinking of not having the right to have our ideas, beliefs and feelings. It is something horrible because with the passage of time we come to forget our opinions, objectives and thoughts to adopt those of the dominant person. As a result, we not only renounce our dreams and goals in life, but we also lose our identity. Continue reading “Perspecticide: The “brainwashing” technique used by manipulators”

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What Really Happens in a Controlling Relationship

Living with an abusive and controlling partner can feel like living in a cult—except lonelier. Victims’ ** own viewpoints, desires, and opinions may fade as they are overwhelmed by the abusers’. Over time, they may lose a sense that they even have a right to their own perspectives. This is called perspecticide—the abuse-related incapacity to know what you know (Stark, 2007). Perspecticide is often part of a strategy of coercive control that may include manipulation, stalking, and physical abuse:

Deciding how you should spend your time.

Abusers make their partners narrow their worlds. Once isolated, it is easy to lose one’s sense of self.

  • Doug *** insisted that Val watch him play video games rather than doing what she wanted. He demanded that he be the center of her attention at all times. Gradually she accepted this as an obligation.
  • Corey’s husband only “allowed” her to socialize along with him, with other couples. He did not permit her to leave the house without him, even to shop for food.
  • Whenever TeyShawn tried speaking on the phone or seeing friends or family, his boyfriend, Angelo, grew angry with him. After a while TeyShawn severely curtailed his social life; It just wasn’t worth the hassle.

Continue reading “What Really Happens in a Controlling Relationship”

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Understanding the mental health of abusers…

“Your friends have been driven away, your family have been driven away and you have gone along with it because you have fallen in love and are trying to please your partner,” says Dlova. “Society says that all of us, gay, straight, bi or trans, have to be coupled. There is an enormous pressure to be coupled, which is why many victims of abuse feel like they cannot leave an abusive relationship.”

After speaking with Respect about the complicated nature of mental health issues that form from domestic violence, one thing is apparent; it’s complicated and it can only be diagnosed and treated individually. Therefore, we all have a duty to act when recognising signs of domestic abuse and being honest about our own relationships. Nothing will change if we refuse to talk about it. Let’s be honest, a lot needs to change.

Continue reading “Understanding the mental health of abusers…”

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Mind Games People Play

 

At one point in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the author has Hamlet say to Guildenstern, “Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me! You would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops, you would pluck out the heart of my mystery….” Shakespeare was talking about manipulation, about playing with somebody’s mind in order to get something from them without their knowing it. People have probably been playing mind games from the beginning of time.

We play mind games because it makes us feel powerful and allows us to avoid taking responsibility for our feelings. The drawback of playing mind games is that you never really have an authentic relationship with people and thus never feel a deep loving connection that comes from honesty and trust.

Below are seven common mind games.

1 – Disqualifying. This is a method of saying something hurtful to someone and then, when they become hurt, doing a double-whammy by making it seem you didn’t at all mean what they thought you meant.

2 – Forgetting. Passive-aggressive personalities play this game.

3 – Persecuting. Sometimes people project their hatred onto others and persecute them.

4 – Guilt-Tripping. The game here is to make someone feel guilty unless they do what you want them to do.

5 – Gas-lighting. The term “gas-lighting” comes from the classic movie with Ingrid Bergman, in which her husband tries to make her think she’s going crazy because she’s seeing things (such as the gas lights going on and off).

6 – Shaming. People who play the shaming game express their anger by looking to catch people they don’t like saying or doing something they consider inappropriate.

7 – Pretending. Pretending can take various forms.

These mind games are bad enough when they occur among adults, but unfortunately some parents unwittingly play these games with their children, leaving them hurt and confused. These games all have advantages, but at the same time they prevent authentic relating and love, which are truly what make life worth living. Stay away from those who play these games and lean towards those who don’t.

Source: Mind Games People Play

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Guilt-Tripping

Toxic people need to have you inferior since that’s the only way to make them superior. By making you insecure, they feel more confident.

Unless you do what toxic people want you to do, they’ll make you guilty. They’ll call you names and they’ll be able to bring you down or to make you believe that you’re doing something wrong.

Instead of openly saying: I have a problem with you doing that, he can accuse you of being frigid in order for him to get more sex or she can accuse you of being sexist in order to make you behave the way she wants you to.

Either way, it’s an unhealthy way to express feelings or emotions and you don’t want to be the victim of such a mind game. Continue reading “Guilt-Tripping”

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Gain, Preserve or Acquire Control

Game #1: Gain, Preserve or Acquire Control

Toxic people are all about control—if they don’t have control over other people, they have nothing.

If they can elicit a particular response from you or move you to do what they want, this gives them the feeling of power that they are looking for. This makes them feel like they are in control over the situation and it also gives them the feeling of power over you.

What’s the story behind this? Toxic people need to have control everywhere, but if they can’t get it wherever they want it, they’ll double the dose on you. So if they can’t have control at work, they’ll search for it elsewhere—ergo they’ll make up for it with you.

Pay attention if you’re purposely giving the control to satisfy the person playing the mind game or are you being manipulated?

Continue reading “Gain, Preserve or Acquire Control”