To derive a sense of sadistic pleasure.
Research has indicated that those on the more malignant end of narcissism tend to derive joy from seeing sad faces. This is not news to anyone who has been a survivor of a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath. They enjoy inflicting pain – to be the cause of it is even more thrilling for them. Sabotage enables them to see their sick and twisted mind games unraveling in real time on the stage of the victim’s life come undone. Continue reading “To derive a sense of sadistic pleasure. “
The only time you should be worried about how to expose a narcissist to others is when you are facing the narcissist in court, in which case you should be documenting abusive incidents. It could be
- text messages,
- in-person conversations,
- medical reports of injuries,
- pictures of injuries from the abuse,
- broken objects,
- any other relevant information.
We hear it all the time: “I can’t just turn my back on my husband or my daughter or my sister or my mom.” A fair question to them would be is, “Why not?” There is no reason to put up with abusive behavior from anybody. Ever. The only reason people put up with abusive behavior is because they have been conditioned to believe that this behavior is OK. It is not. There is nothing anywhere that states you have to continue relationships when they are toxic and abusive.
You may believe you are proving something to the narcissist by staying in the relationship. Well, you are. You’re proving they can treat you however they want and you’ll put up with it because their well-being matters to you more than your own. You’re telling them they don’t have to treat you any better because you don’t believe you deserve it. That is unhealthy and it is toxic. It’s also exactly what they want to hear. The narcissist wants you to set yourself on fire to keep them warm. They are bottomless pits of need, and nothing you do or give or show them will ever be enough.
In a very real way, they are like vampires. They are unable to sustain themselves or fulfill their own needs and must leech off of other people. The mechanism they employ to do this is usually abusive. Allowing that in your life is teaching the narcissist that this behavior is OK. More than that, you are teaching it to yourself. This makes it that much easier to keep putting up with it. Continue reading “Aiding and Abetting Narcissism”
Narcissism does not exist in a vacuum. It can’t. Therefore, there are always enablers. Enablers are the people who support the narcissist, defend the narcissist, fight for the narcissist, people the narcissist recruits to their side. These people are usually called “flying monkeys,” but there are other types of enablers, too.
These are the people who might not agree with or defend the narcissist, but who enable the narcissist by putting up with their behavior, or rescuing them or bailing them out of the catastrophes they manage to create. These are the people who say things like, “She’s your mother, you need to forgive her” or “How can you abandon your husband when you know he has problems?” or, “I give in to your sister to keep the peace.”
“That was long ago” doesn’t apply to narcissists. Narcissists don’t improve. They may refine their techniques, they may become harder to catch, but they don’t become less malicious or toxic. Information about what a narcissist was like 10, 20, or 50 years ago is still relevant today.
Be doubly careful if the narcissist herself is the one trying to convince you that something is old news and doesn’t matter. Narcissists are prone to say that about things that happened ten minutes ago if it serves their purpose; it doesn’t have anything to do with the truth. In fact, it’s a red flag that you’re onto something.
Don’t give them money or personal information. Regardless of how much (they say) they need it.
Don’t underestimate them. Narcissists have a single goal in life–their self-image. If they’re successful, they have networks of followers and dupes to give them money and aid in whatever they choose to do. If they’re unsuccessful, they are unencumbered by drains on their time and energy in the shape of friends, family, and work, and can spend 100% of their time and energy on getting revenge and digging up a fresh band of followers. Continue reading “Narcissists don’t improve.”
Watch for weasel words and fuzzy logic. “I sold a book, and we bought a house.” You’re supposed to hear, “I sold a book, and we bought a house with the royalties.” The fact that the narcissist didn’t say that in the first place is telling. If she really did sell a book that brought in enough money to buy a house, she’d have told you how much she made or she’d go into detail about how rare it is for a book to earn that much and how special she is for writing it. If she says anything less–especially if she lets you infer the best part–it’s a red flag.
“Why wouldn’t she just lie about it?” you ask. Good question. Some narcissists will. Others are dimly aware that telling too many lies will get them caught and pilloried (again), so they stick to maximum deniability. (“I didn’t say we bought a house with the money from the book, I just said we bought a house after I sold the book. It’s not my fault you misheard me.”) And some of them like putting one over on you. Continue reading “What to Remember When Dealing with a Narcissist”
Perhaps the ultimate irony is that narcissists, as cold-blooded as they are in objectifying others, are governed by one (already mentioned) overriding emotion—which constitutes the cornerstone of their various defenses. And that is their almost reflexive anger, which finally makes them vulnerable less to others than to themselves. Highly reactive to the slightest negative assessment—whether real or imagined—they can easily lose control of their rational faculties. And that’s what, potentially, can make it so easy for others to gain control over them. As the unnamed writer already cited describes this susceptibility: “Get a narcissist frothing at the mouth, and [they’ll] tell you exactly what [they’re] doing, why, when, how, and to whom. It’s better than getting a Batman villain to monologue” (from “What to Remember When Dealing With a Narcissist”).
Which is to say that, sooner or later, the trickster may well become the tricked. And those ruthlessly abused by the narcissist can finally get the justice—or revenge—denied to them earlier. Continue reading “The narcissist’s self-serving defenses can end up making them defenseless.”
Consider just a slice of narcissistic manipulation: gaslighting, triangulation, isolation, devaluation, denial, projection, smear campaigns, control, invalidation, word salads, generalisations, twisting the truth, refusing to take accountability, threats, moving the goal posts, expecting perfection…the list goes on.
These tactics are all designed to provoke a negative emotional reaction in you (that’s right, not necessarily from you – it is sufficient for you to internalise the negativity only), thereby confirming for the narcissist that they retain power and control over you. Sadly, the more you do react to bait and provide them with supply, the more their hunger grows. Continue reading “Starve the narcissist of supply”
Once you understand the disordered thinking driving the narcissist’s invalidation, you can begin depersonalising this very personal attack. Truly you will.
By seeing through their mask, in time you develop understanding that their dismantling of you has very little to do with you as a person. Rather, it has everything to do with them as a person.
So here we go…
To protect themselves from facing the reality of their true selves, the narcissist creates a mask, their ‘false-selves’, which is all about being beyond reproach. Maintaining their fragile make-believe world depends on reinforcing beliefs held that they are ‘perfect’.
Disproving the reality of who they are without the mask, drives their existence.
This results in the fixation to constantly source supply. For the narcissist, this is their validation. Continue reading “Conceptualising narcissistic invalidation as supply”