Re-learnings about being groomed for an emotionally abusive relationship
- Emotional abusers have an extraordinary sense of entitlement. They believe they are the Chosen Ones – chosen to inflict as much damage as it takes, in order to win whatever they want. When the chips are down, your feelings and your pain do not matter. At heart, emotional abusers have a capacity for damage and destruction that we disregard at our peril.
- Emotional abusers may, or may not, have a sense of shame about what they do. That depends on how far ‘gone’ they are. However, even if they do have a sense of shame, that won’t make them behave better. Any emotional discomfort they feel becomes another thing to punish you for.
- Emotional abusers are very, very childish. They will always leverage the authority of a higher authority. This is why they trot out the line that goes like this: “Everyone is judging you negatively. Nobody thinks you deserve anything good.” That sounds slightly classier than saying, “I’m a punitive person and I’m feeling homicidally angry with you, so I feel justified in trying to inflict maximum damage by telling you that everyone else dislikes you as much as I do, right now.”
- Emotional abusers lie through their teeth. If they know what the truth is – and that is a very big “if” – they also know that The Truth is far less important than Their Truth.
- Emotional abusers expect your life to be played by the rules of their games. These rules are so extraordinarily primitive that, most times, we miss them. Here they are: a) I play be my rules. b) You have to play by my rules. In fact, every time you don’t play by my rules, you lose another ‘life’. c) I can change the rules at any time, and I won’t bother to tell you, but Rule b) still applies.
- Emotional abusers take self-centredness to a level that the rest of us can’t understand. Until you see that everything revolves around what matters to them, you will never understand how they can behave so extraordinarily badly.
- The game of emotional abuse only ever ends when they say it does. In practice, what this likely means is “never”.