Posted in Alienation

Christmas Planning 2018 – Self Pity

Its a tough time when you don’t see your children especially at Christmas, adverts everywhere depicting scenes of happy families, magazine adverts featuring children opening presents etc etc.

Yes me too, 27 years of alienation and I do still have moments when I have to remind myself that:-

“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.” ~Walter Anderson

If we blame negative circumstances for our place in life, we are giving up responsibility and control.

We can choose to spread our misery, or we can choose to rise above our circumstances.

Self-pity is a form of selfishness. It makes us less aware of the needs and suffering of others.

This morning I read an inspiring post on one of the PA forums about a group of alienated parents “Me and some friends are all having a whip round and putting on a big xmas dinner for a group of single and lonely people who won’t get to see their children on Xmas day at the local pub, nobody will spend the day alone!”

Mentally strong people prevent self pity by:-

  • Facing their Feelings
  • Lean to recognize the warning signs of the downward spiral
  • Question their perceptions
  • Practice Gratitude
  • Help other people
  • Refuse to complain
  • Maintain an optimistic outlook
  • Build mental strength

taken from Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, an international bestselling book that is being translated into more than 25 languages.

Parental alienation is mental abuse and takes it toll on your children and you!!!! It’s now more important than ever to keep your mind focused and stay healthy for your children as well as yourself.

Believe it or not even the alienator will be affected by this abuse, but better equipped at handling it as many alienators are sufferers of NPD or some type of personality disorder.

If you are wondering why they should be better equipped, its their lack of empathy for other people. Our empathy allows us to imagine how other people feel and allows us to see them as human beings rather than objects. Some people have very little capacity for empathy and appear to be cold and unfeeling; narcissists have little or no empathy (empathy makes it difficult to be cruel to other people).

Over the next few weeks I shall be posting hints and tips on strengthening your resolve to give you the confidence, and resilience to deal with Parental Alienation and move forward with your life.

Keep up the good work and stay strong.

Posted in Alienation, Parental Alienation

CLOSING: Research into Parental Alienation | Overcoming Parental Alienation

Posted in Alienation

To all the alienators out there this Christmas

Do not ruin your child/rens grandchild/rens christmas this year or any year just because your ex  gets to see them this year.

It will not make you feel any better, no good can come from it!!!

There is no benefit to anyone from destroying what should be a special day for your child or grandchild.

Try to do something useful and helpful for a change, volunteer your services  at an old peoples home , soup kitchen or help homeless people for the day.

You have probably spent many hours, days, months or even years feeling bitter and vengeful and wasted so much time screwing yourself and children up.

Do yourself a favour and have a day off, your child will thank you for it.

It will be the best Christmas present ever you could give to your child/grandchild and to yourself.

You may even enjoy yourself for a change and realise that you can be a better person.

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Posted in Alienation

What is Toxic Shame?

When shame becomes toxic, it can ruin our lives. Everyone experiences shame at one time another. It’s an emotion with physical symptoms like any other that come and go, but when it’s severe, it can be extremely painful. Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, causing a fight/flight/freeze reaction. We feel exposed and want to hide or react with rage, while feeling profoundly alienated from others and good parts of ourselves. We may not be able to think or talk clearly and be consumed with self-loathing, which is made worse because we’re unable to be rid of ourselves. We all have our own specific triggers or tender points that produce feelings of shame. The intensity of our experience varies, too, depending upon our prior life experiences, cultural beliefs, personality, and the activating event. Unlike ordinary shame, ‘internalized shame’ hangs around and alters our self-image. It’s shame that has become ‘toxic,’ a term first coined by Sylvan Tomkins in the

Source: What is Toxic Shame?

Posted in Alienation

Shame v. guilt

Shame v. guilt

PSAs and psychology papers alike tend to treat shame and guilt as one emotional state. And there aresimilarities. Both are negative and self-focused. Both arise from doing something bad and then realizing you are responsible.

But they are also different in important ways. “Guilt and shame are very intense negative emotions,” Agrawal says. “They can drive us into depression and anger and all sorts of complex behaviors. And we’re seeing more of them in our society. But we don’t understand them very well.”

Her work is defining and distinguishing the related emotions, while offering positive ways of coping with them. According to Agrawal, guilt is a negative emotion in response to a particular instance of regrettable behavior. Shame is negative emotion associated with one’s overall identity.

“Guilt is easily fixed by taking positive actions,” Agrawal explains. “But shame is not so easily erased. It tells you, ‘I am bad and I will always do bad things.’ In this case, avoidance is sometimes the only solution.”

Continue reading “Shame v. guilt”

Posted in Alienation


Shame is a more complex emotion than disgust, because unlike disgust, shame is an inherently social emotion that depends on an awareness of social relationships before it can occur. It is impossible for a newborn baby to experience shame because a newborn has no concept of a social world yet. There’s just the baby’s needs and that is pretty much it. Only through gradual interaction, frustration and slow social-emotional development does a baby eventually realize that it is a separate being from other people. It is only after this realization of self as part of a web of social relationships that shame can occur.

Continue reading “Shame”

Posted in Alienation

Challenge Shame-Based Thoughts

Choose a specific thought that you’d like to work with, such as I’ll never find a job or If this relationship ends, I’ll never get over it. Then challenge this thought by asking any of the following questions:

  • Is this thought really true?
  • How do I know it’s true?
  • What is the evidence for this thought?
  • What is the evidence against this thought?
  • Can I think of any times when this thought has not been true?
  • Is this thought helping me or hurting me?
  • Who would I be if I let go of this thought?
  • What could I do if I let go of this thought?
  • Am I willing to release this thought?
  • What’s the worst that could happen if I let go of this thought? Can I live with that?

Excerpted from the e-book How to Change Your Thinking about Shame: A Hazelden Quick Guide. Published by Hazelden, 2012. Visit the Hazelden bookstore for more information.

Continue reading “Challenge Shame-Based Thoughts”

Posted in Alienation

Overcoming Shame-based Thinking

When we consciously articulate these shame-based thoughts, we might be shocked at their severity. In Letting Go of Shame, Ronald Potter-Efron and Patricia Potter-Efron list the following examples:

  • I am defective (damaged, broken, a mistake, flawed).
  • I am dirty (soiled, ugly, unclean, impure, filthy, disgusting).
  • I am incompetent (not good enough, inept, ineffectual, useless).
  • I am unwanted (unloved, unappreciated, uncherished).
  • I am weak (small, impotent, puny, feeble).
  • I am bad (awful, dreadful, evil, despicable).
  • I am pitiful (contemptible, miserable, insignificant).
  • I am nothing (worthless, invisible, unnoticed, empty).

Shame develops as the slow, relentless accumulation of such thoughts–one self-insult at a time, delivered to ourselves over weeks, months, and years. Notice that each of the previous statements starts with the words I am. This reinforces our definition of shame as a state of being that goes far beyond anything we do or fail to do.

Continue reading “Overcoming Shame-based Thinking”

Posted in Alienation

The Gift of Shame: A Positive Look at a Negative Emotion

Here is something to consider, though: shame (closely related to guilt and regret) is an essential part of our survival and functioning and, in fact, is a gift from Mother Nature.

Let’s back up here a bit and first talk about the functions of emotions generally. Emotions are hardwired into our brains and help to warn us, facilitate connections to other people, and work through challenges. “Positive” emotions such as joy, pride, and love tend to feel good, while “negative” emotions such as anger, shame, and sadness tend to cause discomfort. It is easy to want to push away and avoid the “negative” emotions, but it is important to note that both types of emotions are necessary in order to function in the healthiest way possible.

Now let’s get back to our friend, shame. Shame’s function is pretty important. Basically, it helps to keep us in check. Shame is a signal that there has been some sort of action that could harm others or ourselves. This could be an action that hurts a relationship with a loved one, something that could get us in trouble somehow, or a behavior that would be dangerous or harmful to us.

Continue reading “The Gift of Shame: A Positive Look at a Negative Emotion”

Posted in Alienation

Overcoming the Paralysis of Toxic Shame | Psychology Today

As an anger management specialist, I’ve witnessed the powerful impact that shame can have in fueling anger arousal as an adult. Some direct their anger outward, while others focus it inward. Each moment of anger directed in this manner can provide a powerful distraction from experiencing shame or the feelings that may accompany it. Shame, like guilt and embarrassment, involves negatively judging ourselves when we believe we’ve failed to live up to either our own standards or the standards of other people (H. Lewis, 1971).

Recall a time when you experienced shame, whether it was a reaction to judgment by others or your own. You most likely experienced intense discomfort, feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness and the desire to hide (M. Lewis, 1995). And you most likely felt anger toward others or with yourself.

Continue reading “Overcoming the Paralysis of Toxic Shame | Psychology Today”