Maybe your cycle of self-torture has become so abbreviated that you cannot distinguish the difference between you and the destructive acts anymore. You might have a faint awareness that the acts are not what you want – that they hurt you, make you feel worthless and disgusting, at times you cannot believe you are the one capable of enacting them – but yet, here you are – once again. Doing the same things, acting like the person you decided not to be. Life is a thick and heavy fog of self hate and hopelessness: there’s no end in sight. Is this really my life? Can’t I promise myself I’ll stop? Don’t I mean it this time? Can’t I work even harder? Why doesn’t anything work for me? This must be who I am.