To help you understand and get in your alienated child’s head I’m going to explain the family dynamics from what I’ve learned from my own situation and my research.
Children’s Roles In A Narcissistic Family
In a normal family structure, sibling rivalry occurs naturally as part of growing up and with good parental guidance turns into respect for each other as children mature. Siblings are encouraged to be close and love each other and to take care of each other.
In the narcissist family system there is typically a golden child and a scapegoat child or children.
The Narcissistic parent picks the Golden Child to be an extension of himself.The narcissitic parent’s other half, and they are lavished with attention and praise.Successes are celebrated and failures are diminished.
The Golden Child can do no wrong. He gets love bombed and given the best of everything.The Scapegoat on the other hand becomes a target of criticism, the one whom all the problems of the family are projected. They can do no right. The scapegoat is taught to carry the anger of the family and becomes the target of rage and ridicule. They are frequently blamed and shamed.They are systematically ridiculed and belittled carrying responsibility for the narcissist’s own self hatred ,and whatever bad that happens through the day.
Their major achievements are dismissed. Any money spent on them is the bare minimum and is spent unwillingly If the scapegoat succeeds at something the reaction of the parent on the surface is one of praise and they will say the right things but their body language and facial expressions will convey displeasure and disapproval and subtly suggest that they’re angry at this achievement.
The Scapegoat grows up understandably feeling very jealous of the Golden Child. Over time this leads to resentment leading to increasing conflict This is the sole aim of the Narcissistic parent.
The Narc parent knows that if he divides the children this way there is more opportunity for triangulation. The Golden Child will be encouraged by the Narcissist to bully the Scapegoat which adds to the increased conflict and drama.
in a narcissistic family dynamic the siblings are triangulated by the narc parent and are taught to compete for love and affection so despite being close when growing up might not be as close to each other as they otherwise would be as the disordered parent pits them cruelly against each other.
The result of these tactics like emotional abuse, lies, and neglect, ensures his or her children are always on their toes, working to earn their conditional love and provide them with an unending source of narcissistic supply.
The scapegoat is truly in a no-win situation. The abuse is usually so insidious that it’s not picked up by child protection services so there is no option but to endure this situation until the child becomes older and mentally strong enough to leave.
The Scapegoat is actually the most likely to escape these unhealthy family dynamics.
The damage done to the golden child is less obvious, but they are just another pawn in the Narcs twisted game and their role is that of emotional caretaker of the disordered parent.
They grow up as merely an extension of the narc parent losing their own sense of self and all their boundaries are trampled by the narc as they learn that they are only valued for doing whatever makes the narcissistic parent feel better about themselves and if life choices are made that the narc disapproves of the child risks rejection.
The Golden Child’s sense of self can end up being swallowed up by the Narcissist and she can end up being so enmeshed in them that she loses her identity.
She may well grow without proper boundaries and proper self identity. She is likely to remain, either forever or for a long time, as a puppet of the Narc, and if she ever does manage to break free, that process will be infinitely more painful for her than it is for the Scapegoat.
The Scapegoat on the other hand, is the independent one. He’s the one that begins to question and who’s driven to seek answers leading to a light bulb moment about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
He’s the one who can break free from the toxic dynamics of the family and go on to create a healthy life and recover from the lies he was told about himself since the day he was born.
How do siblings cope in a narcissistic family?
Some children cope by complying with the narcissistic parent and ignoring their own their own needs,Some rebel against the narc parent and some cope by identifying with and imitating the narcissistic parent, so that they end up becoming narcissists as well.
If one sibling copes by rebelling and another by complying, even if they were once close this drives a huge wedge between them.The compliant child sees the rebellious child as selfish.
If one sibling copes by complying and the other by identifying with the narcissist, the compliant child can end up being totally focused on the needs of his narcissistic sibling and parent, never thinking about his own needs.
This pattern can continue into the child’s adult relationships.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=136196866893422&id=100015093275886https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=136196866893422&id=100015093275886 go to Tammys facebook page to read more