Many alienated parents who come to us for help are numb and cannot feel, especially fathers who face the above cycle on repeat often for years and years and years without anyone listening.
Feelings therefore are a very important part of restoring the functioning parent within you, restoring the functioning parent within you is a big part of getting you ready to use the strategies that you can employ to make the dynamic change.
For so many of you, the knowledge that you can no longer feel the feelings that are related to what has happened to you will come as a revelation.
To the alienating parent however, it is knowledge that they hug to themselves like a secret. When alienating parents can get you to the point where you can no longer feel anything about what is happening to your child, they are almost home and dry in their attempt to rid themselves of you. Note the key word themselves. Not rid the children or rid the family, but rid themselves of you.
What alienating mothers don’t tell you is that their efforts are designed to rid them of you and any reminder of you (and in some cases to exact revenge).
What alienating fathers don’t tell you is that their efforts are designed to continue their control over you, thereby managing to eradicate you (and in some cases, to exact revenge).
What all alienating parents don’t tell you is that what they are doing to you now, is what they did to you before the relationship ended. They are just using your child as a conduit to keep doing it.
And yes, some are psychologically ill, in which case it is vital to remove the child from them and some are not but are nonetheless engaged in a familiar pattern of behaviour which they are unable to desist from.
All of which means that understand what is happening to your children means understanding what happened to you. It means withdrawing your projections of blame (seeing the other person as the sole cause of the problem) and thinking about how the two of you created the dance which is the dynamic which now captures your children and holds them fast.
What alienating parents don’t tell you, but which we freely WILL tell you, is that the power to change what is happening to your children lies as much in your own hands as it does in theirs. And alienating parents are afraid, very very afraid of you finding that out.
Which makes it all the more important, in my view, that you do.