Month: August 2016

Posted in Happily ever after.

Happily ever after.

Posted on by Linda Turner

Once upon a time there was a very ordinary naive young girl of 18 who met a handsome young man 2 years older.

The young girl came from a loving family and had a very comfortable upbringing. The young man came from a very poor family, but despite their differences they fell in love.

The young man asked the young girl to marry him very soon after they had met! They young naive girl accepted the proposal and they married and had a beautiful golden haired little boy.

Even though they did not have much money they managed to buy a house and life was wonderful.

The young man had a responsible job and went to work while the young women stayed at home and doted on her beautiful baby boy.

Friends and family went to the house to see the new baby boy with gifts, but the young man sent them away and told the young women that they were not her friends and that her family did not care about her.

The young girl accepted what he said because after all he had married her, loved her and their baby boy!!!!

A year passed by and the young man wanted to move away from the area to somewhere new. The young women discovered she was to have another child. They moved to another house several miles away from their families which made life very difficult without a car.

The young women noticed that her husband did not want anyone to see her, especially as she was very large and pregnant and so he began going out socially on his own with his man friends leaving the pregnant young women alone, at home with no car, friends or family.

The young women did not mind because she knew deep down that her husband loved her because he told her all the time.

Soon a beautiful golden haired baby girl was born and the young women was very happy to have 2 beautiful golden haired healthy children.

Life went on and they moved a few more times, had wonderful holidays together with the children and did all the things normal people do.

The young man did not like the young women to have friends, so she kept herself busy home-making but felt she needed more in her life, after all she did have a good job before she met her husband.

As the children grew up she noticed that her husband would tease her little boy and call him “mummies little golden boy” and whisper things to their daughter, which made the daughter not taunt her mother.

The young man did this often and the dynamics of the relationship began to change. The young man lost his job and started acting irresponsibly and hanging out with undesirable people and other women.

They very rarely went out together and the young women thought the young man was no longer handsome when she looked at him. The love she once felt started to diminish and she wanted to be independent and go back to work.

This was forbidden and the fairy story started to turn into a nightmare.

The young women became very depressed and felt she had 3 children and no husband. After witnessing many affairs, drink and drugs, as she was only 34 she decided that would start a new life.

The man did not like this and thought his wife should stay with him no matter what. The women was no longer naive and did not want her children raised witnessing this behaviour!!! So she divorced him very quickly.

They all lived in the house even after the divorce and the nightmare became horrendous, like some horror movie until eventually the women was forced out and had to move away.

The women moved to a strange land where she knew no one,she lived alone without her children or any of her belongings. She was very lonely without her children and wrote to them every day. She tried to call them but was forbidden to speak to them. Her life was miserable and she just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

One day she woke up in the strange land and decided she had to start a new life, a new beginning. She went back to England and lived with her mother who gave her lots of encouragement and support.

The women was no longer weak, she had become strong and tried desperately to get contact with her children. She went to court several times, she had social workers involved, she sent letters, cards and tried to call her children but every time she was blocked.

She met another kind handsome man and they fell in love and started a new life together. Once again she was happy and life was good and maybe one day it would be complete if she could have contact with her children.

It was not to be, her children had been stolen from her and her ex husband continued to play mind games but she was stronger than ever now and managed the situation well.

Her new husband had 2 lovely children who she became very fond of and they all had wonderful family holidays together in America and Disney. Happy times once again.

She went for that job she had always wanted and was never allowed, she progressed up the career ladder. Her confidence grew and grew.

She blossomed.

Her new kind handsome partner asked her to marry him, so off they went to Las Vegas for a fairy tale wedding and honeymoon.

She could not believe she could be so blissfully happy again, in a totally different non controlling way. She had no doubts that her new husband loved her very much, he was happy for her to have friends and loved her family too, as she did his.

One day almost 9 years later (18 years old) her daughter all grown up went to the house where they lived. They got to know each other once again, but they had to keep it a closely guarded secret because her father would be very angry if he knew.

They went shopping together, but every present that was purchased had to be hidden away from her father.

The young girl told her mother that her upbringing had been very sordid and sad and many bad things had happened to her and her brother whilst living with their father.

She had been terrified to mention her mother or the past.

She could not remember any of the nice things, holidays etc as all the family photos including the ones of themselves had been destroyed by their father.

The daughter moved to Spain and married someone who had lots of money and looked after her.

During this time the son also went to the house where his mother lived, he had been living in Australia.

She could not believe what was happening after waiting for so many years. Her son was now an adult and was almost a stranger to her.

Unfortunately he had the same tale to tell as his sister, and he too had to be very careful what he told his father.

He said sorry to his mother for what had happened and promised that it would never, ever happen again!!!!!!!!!!

He lived in the house with his mother and her new husband for over 5 weeks until he was eventually asked to leave by the new husband, after all he was in his late twenty’s and quite capable of getting a job.

The son moved out and bad mouthed the mother and her husband even though they had looked after him for over 5 weeks. His father had told a lie and said it was not possible for the son to stay with him because his parents where at his house.

The mother and her husband checked this out, just another lie!!!!

So it started again with her son after ten years.

The mother and her husband went to live in France to leave it all behind.

The daughter had a gorgeous baby boy in Spain.

The mother went to see her eventually after the baby was born.

She was under strict instructions never ever to let her father know that she had been to her house in Spain. Every gift and every photo had to be hidden away. The mother absolutely loved being a grandmother but thought it was a shame that she could not share her joyful news in case the father got to know. It was a closely guarded secret.

The daughter promised her mother that she would never ever let the same thing happen again and understood exactly what had happened once she had a baby of her own!!!!

The grandmother spent many happy years visiting her daughter and grandson in secret. Spain, Australia and then back to the UK.

They even had a wonderful holiday in Florida and Disney together when the grandson was only two.

The grandmother had her daughter and grandson in her life and was blissfully happy.

She had a wonderful husband, 2 lovely step children, her own daughter and grandson in her life – what more could she want.

The daughter, husband and grandson went to France for Christmas and met her other grandmother for the first time in many, many years.

Later on the daughter left her husband and went to France with her son for Christmas.

Her father created a huge drama back in the UK, called the Hertfordshire Police and told them some bizarre story and the phone never stopped ringing throughout Christmas. The daughter was encouraged by her mother and husband to speak to her own husband and return to the UK with their son and sort things out. The daughter’s father told her to go to a women’s refuge when she returned to the UK.!!!!! The daughter went back to her husband before his birthday in the New Year.

The daughter and grandson went to France again the following summer and had a wonderful time.

She still wanted to leave her husband and started making plans.

Totally out of the blue, after the daughter’s birthday, 7 days later after returning from France the mother was blocked on all social media – Facebook, email, phone etc.

Abuse about the mother was posted all over facebook but the mother could not respond as she had been blocked. A family member had seen the abuse and was horrified that such lies should be posted on facebook!!!!

The mother could not believe what was happening in her life again!!!

She had done nothing but love her children and grandchild and wanted nothing but the very best for them.

She had forgiven the ex husband for all the grief and heartache he had caused, not only to her but also to her children over the many, many years.

FORGIVEN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.

After much soul searching she tried once again to understand why and how all this had happened in her life.

She would not rest until she had some answers. If she could not get the answers from her own children she would look elsewhere.

In August 2014 she discovered a closed group on Facebook called “Parents Healing from Estrangement” and met many others like herself.

They all had one thing in common.

There were many questions, opinions and heartbreaking stories.

She decided to create a website and gather as much information together as she could find and post it on the website alongside her own story, so she did not have to keep repeating it over and over again.

The website grew and grew alongside the closed group on Facebook, she met many friends and read many true stories and articles. She contacted many doctors and experts and started to understand.

At last – 26 years later – she had the answer she had been looking for.

She felt a little sad, but relieved and happy that she could finish this chapter of her life and continue to be complete and happy in the knowledge that she had done everything she possibly could to retain contact with her children/grandchildren.

She now accepts her situation and is now planning ahead for 2016, new projects, new life.

She will live happily ever after with her loving husband.

The End.

love-life-no-regrets-true-quotes-sayings-pics

Posted in Bystander Effect, Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Bystander Effect

Posted on by Linda Turner

This is a true story. A parent recently made a call to the local Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which had indicated by letter that should he have any concerns about ongoing child support issues, he could call the agency to discuss matters. His “concern” had in fact escalated over a period of thirteen years of forced estrangement from his child to a profound fear for the health and well-being of his son, now in his early twenties. Despite the invitation to call the agency, the curt reply to his desperate entreaties to the program officer was, first, that parental alienation was not an issue of professional concern to the agency as “the jury is still out on whether parental alienation even exists”; and second, that there was absolutely nothing the agency could do for him. The call was then abruptly ended by the program officer.

Tragically, this lack of response is routinely reported by parents alienated from their children, who seek the help of legal, child welfare and mental health professionals, and anyone who will listen to them, in a desperate attempt to find someone to intervene in this serious abuse of their children. As they muster the courage to break through shame and speak about their fears, anxiety, and profound grief, they continue to be subjected to a mean-spirited cultural response, where their woundedness is often ignored or, worse, mocked and ridiculed. In the rare instances where parents are listened to, there is rarely any offer of support in regard to the alienation. These responses are illustrations of the “bystander effect,” which is the typical response not only of lay people but also, alarmingly, of child and family professionals, to reports of parental alienation.

In such an atmosphere alienated parents feel cut off and further alienated, isolated and alone, and their children remain at risk. The bystander effect is an attitude of indifference and apathy, a simple refusal to get involved or offer assistance to another in need. Most alienated parents are thus justifiably afraid of disclosing the alienation, trauma and abuse suffered by their children and themselves. They are repeatedly subjected to the bystander effect, particularly by professional helpers.

The “professional bystander” effect, where the lack of action of others discourages a professional service provider from intervening in an emergency situation, applies to the phenomenon of parental alienation; and the main features of the bystander effect, including ambiguity, a reticence to act, lack of empathy, perceiving abuse as “normal” human behavior, fear of becoming a target, and diffusion of responsibility, are all present in regard to parental alienation situations in which professionals become involved. Ambivalence and ambiguity exist among professionals despite what the research says about parental alienation; often, rather than immersing and educating themselves in the research, professionals monitor the reactions of other service providers to determine if it is necessary to intervene. If it is determined that others are not reacting to the situation, bystanders will interpret the situation as not an emergency and will not intervene, an example of pluralistic ignorance.  Few people want to be the first to take action in ambiguous situations, particularly if they lack empathy in regard to the suffering of those affected; and they are slow to help a victim because they believe someone else will take responsibility. This is where the denial of parental alienation among some in the mental health field is most harmful.

The bystander phenomenon is particularly tragic and alarming because parental alienation is one of the most serious, yet largely unrecognized, forms of psychological abuse toward children, and affects a much larger number of North Americans than previously assumed. Alienating parents’ behavior constitutes psychological abuse when they manipulate and influence children to participate in depriving themselves of love, nurturance, and involvement with their other parent. Denial of and indifference to this form of abuse of children is reminiscent of society’s denial in the early twentieth century of the prevalence of physical and sexual abuse of children (Warshak, 2015). Parental alienation is also a form of psychological domestic violence, as the suffering of targeted parents is deep and unending, and represents a complex trauma of profound magnitude (Kruk, 2011). According to Bernet (2010), there is not only a large body of research validating the existence and harms of parental alienation, with over 500 articles on the subject, but also the published testimonies of thousands of adults who attest to having suffered through it as children, and other parents who are currently traumatized, watching helplessly as their relationships with their children are being destroyed. Harman & Biringen (in press) sampled a representative poll of adults in the United States, and found a startling rate of 13.4% of parents reporting that they have been alienated from one or more of their children by the other parent, with half of those reporting the alienation as severe. This percentage represents approximately 10.5 million parents in the US alone who are facing what they perceive to be parental alienation. The sheer magnitude of parental alienation indicates that this is a major social problem and a social justice issue for children and families. This takes the issue out of the realm of disinterested reportage and into the realm of action.

read the complete article here:- https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201605/parental-alienation-and-the-bystander-effect

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

MEMBERS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION STUDY GROUP

Posted on by Linda Turner

MEMBERS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION STUDY GROUP

July 19, 2015

The Parental Alienation Study Group (PASG) consists of about 220 individuals, mostly mental health professionals, from more than 30 countries, including: Afghanistan, Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Chile, Columbia, Costa Rica, the Czech Republic, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, India, Israel, Italy, Japan, Lithuania, Malta, Mexico, the Netherlands, Norway, Paraguay, Portugal, Romania, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, the United Kingdom (both England and Scotland), and the United States (including Puerto Rico).

The members of PASG agree that parental alienation should be included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (DSM-5) and the International Classification of Diseases – Eleventh Edition (ICD-11). The members of PASG are also interested in developing and promoting research on the causes, evaluation, and treatment of parental alienation.

 

Pamela Roche, a victim of parental alienation living in Wimborne, Dorset, U.K., author of Broken Lives, Broken Minds, which is described as “a true account of parental child abduction – one mother’s story.”

Inyang Takon, M.D., MRCPCH,  Consultant Paediatrician at the Queen Elizabeth II Hospital, Hertfordshire, England, has a special interest in neurobehavioural and neurodevelopmental problems in children, frequently assesses children  for child abuse and neglect including children who have suffered parental alienation.

Sue Whitcombe, DCounsPsych, Chartered Psychologist and HCPC Registered Counselling Psychologist, Director and Principal Psychologist at Family Psychology Solutions and lecturer at Teesside University, conducts research and assessments for the family courts, delivers training to mental health, social care and legal professionals and is developing a local service offering accessible and affordable interventions for families affected by high conflict separation, estrangement and alienation. Her website: www.familypsychologysolutions.org.

click here to download the complete list:- http://pasg.info/member-sites/

 

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Footprints xoxo — The Story of my Twin Boys Oliver and Oscar Ferreira

Posted on by Linda Turner

via Footprints xoxo — The Story of my Twin Boys Oliver and Oscar Ferreira

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Advice If You Are With A Narcissist But Don’t Want To Leave — Ladywithatruck’s Blog

Posted on by Linda Turner

I got a comment on the “30 Red Flags” post the other day and thought it was a topic worth talking about again. I mean really, there must be some other advice when you discover you are with a narcissist, other than “RUN”. I remember how frustrated I’d become when searching for answers years ago; every […]

via Advice If You Are With A Narcissist But Don’t Want To Leave — Ladywithatruck’s Blog

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Posted on by Linda Turner

Free From Toxic

conversation control tactics

Do you often engage in conversations with your narcissist that leave you feeling like you were talking to a brick wall, or worse maybe leave you feeling like banging your head against a brick wall? Perhaps, it has even crossed your mind that you would have been better off conversing with a brick wall because the wall would have more capacity of providing understanding, validation and empathy than the narcissist in your life!

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Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The Timing And Motivation Behind Why Most Narcissists Discard Their Partners

Posted on by Linda Turner

Free From Toxic

why[1]

Why do narcissists seem to pick the worst possible times to discard their partners? Are they really that cold-blooded that they not only break-up with you, but also plan to do it at a time that would add insult to injury? What would motivate a narcissist to hurt someone they professed to love so much in such a heartless and brutal manner?

I have heard many stories of narcissists dumping their partners right before a major holiday, or on their partner’s birthday, or after their partner shared something very personal. I’ve also heard of narcissists ending relationships right before a special planned event, or when their partner was down on their luck, grieving the loss of a loved one or even diagnosed with a serious illness. The list of heartless, cold and calculating ways that narcissists end relationships continues on and on.

It is not your imagination. Indeed, it is…

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Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychological Well-Being

Forgiveness of Others, and Psychological Well-Being in Late Life

Posted on by Linda Turner

In direct opposition to the steps outlined by Frankel (1998), research by Scobie and Scobie (1998) suggests that many people instead follow what they call the “Christian Model” of forgiveness. More specifically, this model is based on the belief that people should forgive as God does—unconditionally—requiring neither compensation nor even a promise to avoid repeating the act in the future. Although it is evident that all Christians do not endorse this approach (Krause and Ingersoll-Dayton 2001; Marty 1998), there is some evidence that many do because it is a central tenet of the Christian faith (Rye et al. 2001).

Perhaps the Christian Model identified by Scobie and Scobie (1998) enhances psychological well-being because it allows the victim to let go of the hurt and resentment associated with a transgression, thereby avoiding dark ruminations that are sometimes fostered by egregious offenses. This is important because research indicates that chronic rumination (e.g., reliving a hurt again and again) may be associated with greater psychological distress (Roberts, Gilboa, and Gotlib 1998). In addition, the Christian Model may avoid problems that are likely to arise when victims seek retribution. As Murphy (1997) points out, retribution should be based on the level of suffering that a transgressor deserves to experience because of what he or she has done. But he goes on to argue that seeking to extract retribution is risky because it is often difficult to determine with any precision what a transgressor actually deserves. If the anticipated punishment is too strict, the transgressor may feel justified in abandoning all efforts at making amends and may instead engage in further hurtful acts. However, if the punishment is too lax, the victim may continue to experience feelings of resentment and may also feel more vulnerable to further offenses.

Although forgiving others unconditionally would seem appealing because it allows victims to get on with the more positive aspects of life, some investigators have expressed reservations about whether this lofty goal can actually be attained. More specifically, Krause and Ingersoll-Dayton (2001) question whether it is truly possible to forgive others through sheer acts of will alone. Instead, forgiving unconditionally may lead to what Baumeister, Exline, and Sommer (1998) call “hollow forgiveness.” This means that victims may merely say they forgive a transgressor right away, but privately continue to harbor deep resentment and anger.

As the discussion provided up to this point reveals, there are benefits as well as disadvantages associated with each way that people may go about forgiving others. Consequently, it is important to determine whether forgiving others unconditionally or requiring transgressors to perform acts of contrition best enhances feelings of well-being in late life. Although addressing this issue is important from a theoretical point of view, it also has a potentially important bearing on how to design and evaluate therapeutic programs that encourage people to forgive others.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3046863/

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder, When a Child Rejects a Parent

When a Child Rejects a Parent

Posted on by Linda Turner

A subgroup of intractable families, in which a child refuses postseparation contact with a parent, perplexes and frustrates professionals who work with them. This article discusses the underlying forces that drive the family’s intractability, as well as guidelines for working with the family. The guidelines include specific court orders developed from the very beginning of the case that elaborate the court’s stance about goals and expectations for the family, along with specialized individual and family therapies that are undertaken within a framework of planned collaboration with the court. The collaborative team of legal and mental health professionals works in an innovative and active way to structure, support, and monitor the family’s progress in resolving the resist/refuse dynamic.

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/fcre.12238/full

Posted in Parental Alienation & Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Parental Relationship Distress

Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress

Posted on by Linda Turner

A brief review of the literature establishing that children are affected by parental relationship distress is presented. To elaborate on the clinical presentations of CAPRD, four common scenarios are described in more detail: children may react to parental intimate partner distress; to parental intimate partner violence; to acrimonious divorce; and to unfair disparagement of one parent by another. Reactions of the child may include the onset or exacerbation of psychological symptoms, somatic complaints, an internal loyalty conflict, and, in the extreme, parental alienation, leading to loss of a parent–child relationship.

http://www.jaacap.com/article/S0890-8567(16)30175-7/abstract