Long Term Parental Alienation is Irreversible

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Copy of an email recently sent to a specialist dealing with Parental Alienation and Family Estrangement requesting help and advice:-

Background information:-

Normal family with 2 children aged 11 and 13. Many happy family occasions, holidays, family Christmas’s together ect.
I had issues with ex husband and filed for divorce back in 1990.

My daughter came home one day and told she was having a new mother who could cook better than me!!!

The divorce was quick but the arrangements with the children were not dealt with until later on.

Both children lived with me, no financial support, lots or harassment and the usual nasty stuff. Father was not bothered about the children, more interested in the new girlfriend. Kept telling me that everyone had a price tag and that the children could be bought!!! Not sure what he meant until the expensive presents were given to my daughter. She went to live with him and the poisoning started.

He went for a residence order for my daughter as she wanted to live with him as she had just been bought a horse. I could not compete and would not compete.

My son stayed with me and refused to see his father despite my best efforts. My son and daughter did not see each other. I found this as heart-breaking as not seeing her myself as I had always had a very close relationship with my own brother.

Time went by and eventually my son agreed to see his father and he took them away 1 week before Xmas. On their return my son said he wanted to live with his father.

Once the father had my son he went for a residence order for my son which I was told by the courts I could not fight, as it was the children’s wishes.

After the 2 residence orders he went back to court and demanded to live in the family home with the 2 children and refused to sell it and give me a financial settlement.

During all this time the children refused to see me, shouted abuse at me whenever I tried to approach the house, shot at me with an air rifle, pushed me through a glass window on Mothers day.

My ex husband would not even allow me to see them their birthday’s or at Christmas. I wrote many letters and requested photographs which my children never received.

I went to my daughter’s school and was told that they had been told that I had died!!!

I went to my son’s school and was told that my son did not want me to go to the school as it was embarrassing.

I had difficulty obtaining school reports.

I was not told when my children were in hospital, I discovered this through someone I knew locally. When contacting the hospital I was told I could not be given any information as I did not have the residence order.

I did not know that by allowing the residence order I had virtually given up all my rights as a parent.

My ex husband threatened me and my new boyfriend and generally made it impossible to see the children.

By this time the children were so badly damaged I started to back off. My son would spit in my face in the street, called me and my mother disgusting abusive names, cut off all communication with my family, all the usual alienation stuff.

The courts were not interested and the social worker involved was manipulated by the children and their father. I was told years later that the father dated the social worker!!!!

Very lucky I had the support of my family because you soon learn who your friends are in these situations.

The abuse went on for years and years.

I had a new relationship 2 years after the divorce and was fortunate enough to share my husbands children who were very loving and understanding. We lived quite close to my ex and my children, and my new husband and his children had to witness much of the abuse that was thrown my way.

Despite all of this my new husband’s children have managed to survive their parents divorce, so it can work when the parents are sensible and work together.

I have 2 large files with over 8 years of paperwork to support what I have said which my children will read one day. I have been advised to destroy it all as my children will not thank me for reminding them what happened. Others have said keep in case they ask questions so I can give them correct and accurate answers. At the moment I still have the files!!!!
Well 25 years on I have spent 6 weeks with my son, 10 years ago which was short-lived. I have had 9 years with my daughter who now has a little boy of 11 and a granddaughter I have never met. This all came to an abrupt end over 2 years ago and I am now alienated from both daughter and grandson.

I love them both and my grandson very much and I hope there is someone close enough to them both who loves them and cares for them enough to encourage them to seek the help they need in order to try to live a happy and healthy life.

In the meantime I will continue to enjoy my husband’s children and their children. It’s no substitute for my own, but I love them all the same.

response:-

After all this time your children are probably not even aware of what your ex husband is doing. Victims of parental alienation are not aware that they are being mistreated and often cling vehemently to the favored parent, even when that parent’s behavior is harmful to them.

You cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign. 

Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing.  One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially”

Without legal intervention to limit an alienating parent’s access to a child and to have the brainwashed child deprogrammed by a specialist, it is unlikely that a child will ever recover from PAS. The tragedy is that they have lost their free will and ability to make rational choices over their lives. They are likely to experience serious psychiatric disorders, have poor social relationships, and of course pass the problem on to their children.

14 thoughts on “Long Term Parental Alienation is Irreversible

  1. I recommend reading Dr. Amy J. Baker’s book “Surviving Parental Alienation” because it gives examples of similar situations turned around and the grown, formerly alienated kids testify to what worked to end the alienation. No one KNOWs the future. It can change on a dime. Change is coming for my situation, & I’m so glad I read Baker’s book. In fact, things started to move toward reunification as soon as I finished the book. Someone told me to be hopeful and positive — that was the last thing I felt I could do, but the faith of a mustard seed I worked to cultivate seems to be producing positive results. I pray for your situation. Keep reaching out.

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    1. Thank you Torn 2 Peaces, I have contacted Dr Amy J Baker in the past. I will take some time to read the book. Glad your own situation is changing, keep us all posted. Its great to hear of a positive outcome.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. After reading the book, I could have easily mishandled the window of opportunity, & unfortunately, I see how my alienated mother-in-law mishandled an opportunity for reconciliation simply because she did not have the advantage of such information. I usually give away my books, but I keep it close. I hope that with social media and also the new young adult novel out (novels that come from true stories shared sometimes lead to movies and maybe a song about this will come out?) One never knows, but hoping is a hard thing when your heart is on the line.

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  2. As an adult child of parent alienation, my thoughts in response to the email response: It is quite possible that PAS is permanent and in fact, this has been the case w/ my sister. At 50 yrs old, she has not budged in her view of our alienating father as ‘the hero’ and ‘the good parent’ and our estranged mother as ‘the bad parent, undeserving of our love”. There have certainly been issues for me to overcome, not the least of which was awakening from the truth, establishing my own self esteem after yrs of thinking my own mother didn’t even want me, and healing from the need to ‘fill the void’ where my mother was no longer. This required therapy, should searching, and sheer persistence of working on my self to become more whole. I have the good fortune of a very loving husband whom I met young. The power of love has been huge. But having said that, I am now a healthy adult, and have been for quite some time. I am a good mother to my own children and we enjoy a very functional family. There is hope for alienated children. But finding and facing the truth is the first and biggest step. Then the healing and the work and the faith to become the whole, healthy person we are all meant to be.

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    1. Good morning Mothererased. Thankyou so much for your hear felt response. I am glad you found the strength to escape the nightmare of PA and you now have a loving family of your own.Did you go in search of therapy on your own accord or did a family member or friend encourage you? If more people had the courage to speak out, maybe one day we can limit the cases of Parental Alienation. I wish you and your family love, health and happiness. x

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      1. I sought therapy on my own, after marrying and moving away from my family-of-origin. I was dealing w/ some anxiety over ‘needing to continue to please my father’. When does he want me to visit? Should I feel guilty for moving far away? etc. I was still being emotionally controlled by him even though he was not verbally making any demands on me. It was this ingrained need to make sure he was happy w/ my choices. I knew this was not right but it was very strong and I had no idea how or if I would ever overcome it.

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      2. Thank you for your response mothererased. It all helps to shed light on what is happening in the background that alienated parents are not aware of. Keep sharing your stories – and thankyou xxx

        Liked by 1 person

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