I have known a few people in my lifetime who were then or are now extremely frustrating to deal with, but none such as our own personal parental alienators.
Not only are they frustrating in each and every way, they are also very, very toxic, to the point that a skull and crossbones should be assigned to their every well thought out, planned and devious move. A few of these people absolutely show signs of having some sort of personality disorder, as in they don’t actually have any personality worth knowing.
Having been forced to learn a little about Personality Disorders over the last few years has been for me quite liberating and also to a certain extent healing, it has shown me that those who come from dysfunctional families or relationships don’t actually know or believe that there is anything wrong with them.
Many of us will spend our whole life looking for answers in text books or at seminars or lectures, when in actual fact the answer stares at us all each and every day we get up, brush our teeth, comb our hair and take a good look in the mirror.
That person that stares back is either broken or healed, and there really is no point in blaming yourself for the ‘what if’ scenarios that may flit through your mind, the narcissist who is blaming you for all of their problems is in their own selves their own problem and no one else’s, except of course the narcissist doesn’t see it like that because what is a narcissist other than a broken person with a personality disorder who won’t or can’t accept any responsibility for their behaviour, they won’t seek help or advocacy because in their minds that is admitting they have a problem and they really don’t want to hear what anyone else has to say anyway.
Such narcissists who go on to become parents who alienate are immature, aggressive and usually come from a background where their own childhood dissolved into a messy divorce battle which meant being pulled in either direction when being asked or expected by their parents to take sides, such adult children do not know very much else about themselves other than feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and insecurity. They emerge from their childhood already scarred and battle weary, promising never to make the same mistakes ever again only to repeat them with devastating effects, they don’t really know who they are or what their life is supposed to be about other than to fight using a vast array of weapons in their arsenal such as the art of manipulation, dishonesty, and emotional blackmail.
They are insensitive to the wants or needs of others and clearly express this through Parental Alienation and the tactics used to make the ‘absent parent’ know who exactly is in charge of this little drama. They are of course perpetuating the cycle they have just come through, they expect their alienated children to do as they are told, to be on ‘their side’ at all times, teach them to hate the absent parent and all of their extended family, feed their children lies all day long and expect them to ask for more, such expectations of their children are unreasonable and again it shows that the narcissistic alienating parent would rather put their own needs ahead of those needs, wants and desires of their children.
Such issues as anger in the alienating parent leads down the path to dramatic outbursts of a ‘it’s all their faults, not mine’ and by showing such emotional instability and hatred for those who would fight back at them with all they have the alienating parent is trying to issue the ultimatum of ‘if you keep doing this’, or ‘if you don’t stop saying that’, then I’ll make sure you NEVER see the children again.
In fact some alienating parents will go to such extreme lengths that they will threaten to kill themselves and their children rather than allow the absent parent to see the children.
Alienating parents such as these have hugely distorted expectations, often suffering from fragile and overblown egos, they always, always, have great difficulty placing other peoples’ needs above their own.
In showing that they have this difficulty for placing others’ needs above their own they are showing that they are flying in direct opposition to the role of good, loving, caring responsible parenthood, which requires a 100 percent unselfish and compromising manner.
Many of these alienating parents are seeking some form of attention, assistance, or obedience at any cost. Their own extended families may exhibit traits or already be highly dysfunctional, and far too focused on the alienating parents’ needs, emotions and wishes.
I feel extremely sad when I write about a divorce which has already occurred between my daughter and her now ex-husband, they were not always like this, neither of them were ever perfect, but then who is? As I write I am reminded of Alexander Pope’s poem and what it means when he writes;
Ah ne’er so dire a Thirst of Glory boast,
Nor in the Critick let the Man be lost!
Good-Nature and Good-Sense must ever join;
To err is Humane; to Forgive, Divine.
In trying to work out what this verse meant I asked myself many questions about my reasons for continuing to write for this website and I suppose a very small part of me would like to do as Pope suggests and agree with Popes suggestions of forgiving others, but I find it incredibly difficult with each day that passes to forgive those who have deliberately kept away my two grandsons #JoshandArchieMcKay not only from me as a grandparent, but from their mother and their sisters, my grandsons have the right to know that they are loved by others who have no ulterior motives other than to care for them and hope that they grow into well-adjusted strong boys with good hearts and no hatred of their mother, or the rest of us.
But my grandsons are not being given that opportunity and this makes me incredibly sad. We have now missed birthdays, holidays and school days which are all important in a child’s life and we will never get those days back, we may never see our grandsons for many years to come, but that doesn’t mean that we will just roll over and give up.
I do not believe for one single minute that my grandsons are wholly enjoying their lives or the positions they have been put in by their alienating father and his ‘new’ family and I wonder if my ex son in law and his new family will now throw themselves unrelentingly into being over achievers to cover up their feelings of inadequacy as parents or simply just continue to wander aimlessly through their lives hurting and hating as many of our family as they can. From everything I have ever read about children of alienated parents one thing sticks out in my mind a stark reminder that the grown up children of such parents are never truly happy and are more than likely to continue the cycle they have grown up knowing.
Anthony Liccione once said;
‘A tree stands strong not by its fruits or branches, but by the depths of its roots’
What chance have my grandsons to live a full and honest life?