Posted in Alienation

Mutilation Of A Child’s Spirit 

Reblogged on

Source: Mutilation Of A Child’s Spirit 

Posted in Alienation

Using Children As Pawns

People use children as pawns when they are angry about something. A parent will create a situation that withholds affection from the child with another person. Child alienation is considered child abuse. Child alienation is always used as a control tactic to hurt someone else. Children who are used as pawns, always grow up to resent their parent who did it. Child alienation not only happens in divorces with parents, but also when the child is withheld from grandparents and other relatives.

Posted in Alienation


You don’t have to like it, but most people do. There has always been an “opiate for the masses”. It is a necessary part of the civilized world. Imagine if everyone was running around with a free thinking mind of their own. People would work less and less, demanding more and more pay. Parents would trust their children to make decisions on their own. Teachers would teach information based on research, instead of curriculum. Students would learn, instead of achieving grades.

Fortunately, You don’t have to worry about that. You are being brainwashed.

Although brainwashing has existed for thousands of years, the term “brainwashing” was coined by the CIA in 1950. It is also known as re-education, thought control, propaganda, and conversion.

The human mind is not predisposed to accept external control. Look at children. If you tell them to do something, they automatically rebel. It is only through repetition of instructions and a punishment/reward system that they “learn” to “behave properly”. If it wasn’t for this early brainwashing, we would all be running around naked, making funny noises for no reason, leaving doors open, and farting in public.

This is how brainwashing works. Mental programming requires three basic elements. First, the programmer needs to limit the information available to the subject. Then they control the subject’s behavior. The final piece of the puzzle is to apply subtle amounts of stress to the subject to distract them from the thought control process.

Limiting the information can be done by isolating the subject from alternate opinions. We say to the child, “You can’t play with Jimmy. He’s a bad influence.”, “You need to go to church every Sunday.” The programmer can physically separate you from those opinions or make you dismiss them before those ideas are heard. They may say, “Those people are uncivilized”, “They are just crackpots and alarmist.”, “Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories.” (GW Bush) or on the other side, “You can never trust the white devil.” If someone is trying keep you from learning, you are being brainwashed.

It can also come in the form of repetition. It could be something someone is saying to you, “You’re an idiot.”, “You don’t know what your doing.”, “You can’t hold a job.”, “you’re a drunk.” If someone says something to you enough, you will eventually believe that it’s true. Repetition might also be something you say over and over again, like a prayer, pledge, or saying. It most often comes in the form of TV news or slogans, “Stay the course” , “In God We Trust”, “We can’t let the terrorist win.”, “I’m thinking Arby’s!”

If you are hearing or seeing, or (even worse) saying, the same phrase over and over again, you are being brainwashed.

The second phase is controlled behavior. It can be as simple as being woken from a state of sleep to go to work or school, or telling someone when they can or can’t go to the bathroom. It could be someone telling you, not asking you, to chew with your mouth closed. It can also be repetitive movements such as when we are at church, being told to kneel, stand, or sit on command. It can be even broader, Pay your taxes, Drive the speed limit, green light = go, red light = stop.

Our behavior can also be controlled by observing the behavior in others. If a child sees her father beating her mother, she will grow up and be beaten by her husband. If, in a movie, a teacher takes a note from a student and reads it out loud before the class, and a teacher or student watches that movie, they will imitate that behavior in real life. If an evangelist sees their family in church rolling on the floor, “possessed by the holy spirit”, they too will one day roll on the floor. If someone plays Call of Duty 4 enough, they will think it is ok to go to foreign countries and kill brown people.

Usually though, you will just get brainwashed into buying a new car or exercise equipment you can’t afford.

The last aspect is the application of stress. Most often, this takes the form of a conditional threat; hence it is often called conditioning. “If you don’t stop drinking, I’m taking the kids and leaving”, “If you sleep with anyone else I’ll kill you”, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself”, “If you don’t pray, you’ll go to hell”, “If you don’t behave, we will beat you again”, “If you don’t pass a $700 billion dollar bail-out, I’ll instate marshal law.”

If someone is trying to control your behavior or putting stress on your life, you are being brainwashed. Get away from them!

The worse thing about being brainwashed is that once you are brainwashed, it is very difficult to be aware of it. Your brainwashed state of mind and actions is completely normal to you. You are just an average Joe (maybe you’re a plumber, zing!). Everything you do seems completely normal. Since, you are normal, anyone who doesn’t share your beliefs and values must be either insane or uncivilized. So what do you do? You brainwash them!

That is the beauty of the system. Since humans feel a need to be socially justified, without even thinking about it, we go out and “teach” others about “proper behavior”. The brainwashed become the brainwashers, at no extra charge. The programmed behavior spreads like a virus from host to host, to friends, lovers, and family.

There is hope. You can change your ways. The main defense against brainwashing is to not let the stress distract you and to remain aware that you are being brainwashed. Next time someone is telling you what to do, if you are doing something that seems against your will, if the words coming out of your mouth are not yours, say to your self, “I’m being brainwashed!” Then get yourself out of that situation and away from those people! Remember, it’s not their fault, they are brainwashed. Just get away from them.

Remain aware! When you put this paper down, you will be aware that you are being brainwashed.

– See more at:

Posted in Alienation

Left out of the family loop as a grandparent

So far I haven’t felt one-upped, outshone, or otherwise outdone by my granddaughters’ other grandparents. That’s the good news. The bad news is that my son and daughter-in-law are equal-opportunity heartbreakers. They moved to Europe soon after Isabelle Eva, my first grandchild, was born three years ago, leaving in the dust the whole pack of six grandparents who live in the United States.

Still, there are moments when, as the paternal grandmother, I feel, if not exactly excluded, then not quite on the inside track either. I know that my daughter-in-law, whom I love but hardly ever talk to on the phone, speaks to her mother nearly every day. I am certain that this other grandmother, who is also my friend, is privy to all sorts of news about our children and grandchildren that I may never hear. But this would be the case even if our entire tribe lived in the same zip code, so I don’t let myself fret about it or feel left out — well, not so much, anyhow.

This could soon change — if, as they’ve been discussing, my son and daughter-in-law start spending large chunks of the year in California, where the four other grandparents live; if the other grandparents then become deeply involved in my granddaughters’ lives in a way that my husband and I, based on the East Coast, wouldn’t be able to; if I let those left-out feelings get the best of me and spread like poisonous weeds in a bog.

That last if is really the only one that matters, since it is the only one I can control.

I can’t control where my son and daughter-in-law choose to live. (Their current residence is up a dirt road in a practically uninhabited village in the Italian Alps.) I have no say in how they raise their children. And I most definitely can’t influence how much Isabelle and Azalia love any of their grandparents — including me.

On the bright side, I am in charge of how I react to events and other people’s behavior — and, ultimately, my own happiness.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned during the past three years, it is that grandparenthood offers one lesson after another in the fine (apparently lifelong; who knew?) art of growing up. Issues we thought we’d resolved long ago get triggered all over again. Envy and jealousy? Check. Old insecurities and anxieties over being good parents spilling over into how we are as grandparents? Check. Feelings of powerlessness? Anger at impossible (and possibly insane) relatives and in-laws behaving badly? Regrets over flare-ups of our own foot-in-mouth disease? Check. Check. Check. Of course, grandparenthood is also graced with sublime, incomparable joys, but that’s not the whole story.

What You Told Me

I, for one, was unprepared for the riptide of emotions I felt when I became a grandmother. And, judging by the flood of comments to my column on “The Left-Out Grandparent,” I am not alone.

Happily, several people who responded described healthy — or, at least, reasonably workable — relationships within their extended families. Alas, many others did not. And though my column focused on my experience as the mother of the father, it is clear that trouble can strike from any direction: the maternal side, the paternal side, as the result of divorce, death, remarriage, you name it. Here’s a sampling:

    “If you want to talk about being left out, try being the stepmom of the mother.”

    “My daughter-in-law never makes me feel left out. But her mom … well, that is another story.”

“I’m the paternal grandfather of two adorable boys, and it’s really painful to live with the fact that I get a few hours every two-four weeks with them, while the other grandparents see them several times a week.”

“I’m the mother of the mother and I’m just as left out as you. My daughter turns to no one but her husband, the internet and her “mommy’s group” for assistance.”

“My grandson is a year old and we have spent a total of approximately 15 hours with him. My son and daughter-in-law live seven miles away. When they do come here we feel like it is a court-supervised visit. Never have been left alone with him.”

“Try being an ex-mother-in-law to the father who has physical custody!

You get the picture. To paraphrase Tolstoy, there are as many ways to be hurt and unhappy as there are families. Which brings me back to Point A: We can’t control other people’s actions and rotten behavior, only our own. That said, there are some things that can be done.

How To Manage

We can ask (nicely) our adult children and their spouses for more time with the grandchildren if we feel we’re being shortchanged. (Young parents seem especially possessive and anxious as they feel their way into their new role; if you bide your time, chances are they’ll be begging for your help before long.)

We can stop measuring love in terms of hours and days spent with the grandkids and refrain from comparing ourselves with other grandparents, stepgrandparents, great-grandparents, friends, and especially Marian Robinson, Michelle Obama’s mother who lives with her beautiful daughter, handsome son-in-law, and adorable grandchildren in the White House. Comparisons with other people are a no-fail step on the road to self-inflicted misery.

We don’t have to spend time with our grandchildren’s other grandparents if it makes us feel bad or uncomfortable, except perhaps on state occasions. In fact, separate visits should be the rule. Not only does this keep the human jealousy factor at bay, it affords the grandparents the chance to form their own special bond with the kids

We can model kindness, generosity, and respect — and hope that these qualities are contagious.

Sometimes, though, relationships are so charged or life circumstances so difficult that even though you act honorably, others may not. There simply may be nothing you can do — for a time, anyhow — to change the family dynamics. In these situations, it may be wise to step back to gain a little perspective (and lick your wounds), and cultivate other relationships and interests. I recently met a young mother — whose own parents can’t be bothered spending time with her kids — who came to a reading of Eye of My Heart with her children’s “adopted grandmother,” related by love and friendship not blood.

And try to remember: Life is short, we all feel tender and vulnerable when it comes to our children and grandchildren, and — to paraphrase Tolstoy again — every family is utterly impossible and wonderful in its own unique way.

Posted in Triangulation


A lot of people have asked me to write an article on triangulation, because it is a very common tactic that narcissists use to inflict abuse.

Most of the people in this community have suffered triangulation, as I also have personally.

There is already a great deal on the internet about triangulation, and I know many of you have read this information, however I really wanted to feel into this and understand and convey the dynamics of triangulation on a deeper level.

What is Triangulation?

Triangulation is an indirect dynamic of communication and behaviours involving more than two people that are unhealthy and unwholesome.

The trademarks of triangulation are covert operation, deceit and abuse.

The simple definition of triangulation is: one individual attacking, discrediting (smearing) or/ and abusing another person with the use of third-party people or institutions.

There are three traditional parts of the ‘triangle’. These are

1) The Persecutor – top right of the triangle

2) The Rescuer – top left of the triangle, and

3) The Persecuted – bottom of the triangle

Many people, on surface level, believe there is only one person in the triangle acting out unconsciously and unwholesomely. Or at the most two, which of course ‘makes sense’ if we don’t believe we need to raise our own consciousness to change our life, and the only way we can be healthy and safe is to only hold other people responsible.

I don’t endorse this powerless model, and I believe if we choose to remain unconscious we have no ability to detach and heal from toxic situations and create, generate and participate in healthy relationship dynamics.

What I realised, when I previously felt deeply into triangulation, needing to heal the deception of it within my own life, was the ‘gaps’ within myself which had caused me to play out not just one, but two sides of the triangle myself.

I have been the receiver of persecution at the bottom of the triangle, and I have also been at the left hand top of the triangle believing and defending narcissists against other people they were discrediting.

If you are honest with yourself, you may also recognise a time you too bought into the narcissist’s lies and deceit, and believed him or her in regard to discrediting others.

The truth is, to heal and understand everything in our life, and to evolve past any painful lesson, we need to self-reflect.

We need to recognise the parts of ourselves that require up-levelling.

These are the disowned inner parts that lead us into unwholesome triangulation, and before healing these parts, how we may have contributed to fuelling the triangulation.

Let’s look at the three roles within triangulation.

The Persecutor

This role is something that high conflict personalities are drawn to adopting.

The irony is the persecutor completely believes him or herself to be the victim.

What we need to understand is this – the narcissist is severely emotionally stunted and underdeveloped. Regardless of however mentally high functioning a narcissist appears to be, he or she has the emotional intelligence of an angry, irrational young child.

Because the narcissist has such intense disowned inner parts of shame and self-loathing, not only does the narcissist behave abysmally (on a hair-line trigger) after perceiving any criticism (intended or not), he or she has to disown any accountability to these knee-jerk reactions.

The narcissist has tried to amputate him or herself away from his or her dark and painful inner shadows unsuccessfully. They still exist, and because the narcissist will not embrace them, take responsibility for them, or heal them they are super-imposed onto the person targeted by the narcissist.

Thus the narcissist, in his or her maladapted thinking, believes you are the pathological person acting out atrocious behaviour and that he or she is the victim.

The narcissistic (unconsciously) attacks and tries to destroy the parts of him or herself that he or she despises – the parts that have been projected on to you.

This is the irony of narcissistic abuse – the narcissist acts out and abuses you and then blames you for these acts and seeks to punish your further.

The narcissist is rabid in these times – and totally oblivious that the fuelling of his or her narcissistic rage is self-hatred. You just happen to be the container ‘holding’ these projected split-off parts.

The very definition of unconsciousness is the inability to self-reflect. This retards all ability to grow, heal and evolve – and this is narcissism personified.

A friend and I had a discussion recently about his estranged narcissistic wife. The discussion was how, even if responsibility is feigned by a narcissist, if you confront and attempt to discuss the narcissist’s childhood wounds (the absolute cause of atrocious behaviour), the narcissist’s defences come screaming up like a ten foot electrified razor wire fence.

Narcissists do not genuinely confront, claim, admit or take responsibility for these inner wounds.

Do the slightest prodding and you will discover how flimsy the ‘taking responsibility’ is.

Okay…back to triangulation…

The triangulation process begins when the narcissist acts narcissistically toward someone, the abused person reacts, and is then classified by the narcissist as ‘the enemy’.

According to the narcissist’s disordered psyche brutal offence is necessary in order to survival. The narcissist truly believes the threat needs to be eliminated, and he or she needs to get the upper hand and disable you before you attack.

Naturally people who model humanity as love, dedication and loyalty are devastated when they are ‘adored’ then ‘abhorred’ on a dime. The narcissist dehumanises in a way that is unmistakeable at these times.

The shock is ‘How can you treat me like this?’

The truth is this – the narcissist has regressed back to the stunted childhood wounds deeply embedded inside him or her. The times of feeling victimised, unacceptable, unlovable, powerless and violated.

Because these wounds are disowned they have taken on a life of their own and control the narcissist’s personality as a result of triggering severe panic, pain and rage (all responses to intense powerlessness).

The narcissist unconsciously tries to exorcise these demons by projecting them on to someone else and then destroying that person and the wounds along with them.

Of course this repeat cycle person after person after person never produces healing, results or freedom – no matter how many people the narcissist manages to ‘annihilate’.

Additionally, it doesn’t matter how much integrity you have. The narcissist believes and accuses you of things that you don’t have the capacity to think about let alone execute.

The narcissist is totally unconscious regarding your character, and is totally clueless to the fact that your reaction of criticism or anger was triggered as a result of being abused by the narcissist.

Instead, the narcissist only has the capacity to de-humanise and demonise you as the container of the narcissist’s shadows.

This narcissist is now a terrified child in an aggressive adult’s body doing anything to stop the imagined assaults he or she believes are inevitable from you, and that he or she feels (childishly) powerless to defend alone.

Hence the urgent and frenetic need to recruit allies.

The narcissist, inherently knowing that he or she is powerless (False Selves are anti-life they can’t generate their own authentic energy) needs to rally people or systems as reinforcements to hopefully completely discredit you, and cripple you before you can strike back.

Triangulation is a tactic he or she has generally mastered at a very early age. Virtually every narcissist does it, and it is one of the absolute trademarks of narcissism.

The Weapon of Deception

The deception required to recruit an organisation or another person to do his or her bidding comes easily. Narcissists are amoral – the end justifies the means.

The narcissist as a grown adult is extremely capable of pathological lying, and the narcissist’s brain wiring is disordered. The narcissist often fully believes his or her own lies. Brains are very good at creating ‘stories’ especially when neuron pathways are hard-wired to self-avoidance (unconsciousness).

At the very least the narcissist will believe his or her righteous justifications for telling the lies.

Unfortunately many humans don’t suspect that a seemingly ‘sane’ ‘functioning’ person can tell them bare faced lies. Narcissists are also brilliant actors. Since a very young age they have perfected the craft of acting out emotions in order to manipulate.

As you can imagine I have heard the most incredible stories narcissists have used to smear business associates, love partners, friends and family members. I also have experienced the most incredible smear campaigns myself (as I am sure you have too).

Sadly, many people believe the narcissist’s lies because they surmise “Why would this person be saying that unless it was true?!”

However healthy people do not get involved, or seek the truth for themselves.

People who are not hooked by the narcissist may believe the lies, offer sympathy and even suggest solutions or support for the narcissist, but are unlikely to take on attacking the person who the narcissist is smearing as their own personal crusade.

If they did – I only have one assessment for that. This person has their own unresolved shadows (inner wounds) that they project outwards as righteous attacks of ‘trying to right the world’s evils’.

Organisations often have no option other than to get involved with the narcissist’s lies, because it’s their job to investigate claims of child-abuse, criminal activity, fraud, tax-evasion, violence etc.

The Rescuer

Triangulation may include an organisation at the top left of the triangle, or a fictitious character, or a fabricated statement.

Narcissists commonly use third-party ally statements (real or fabricated).

An example is “I spoke to Joe. He and his wife agree what you do is ruining our relationship.”

Or of course, there may be a real person, convinced that the narcissist is the good person, playing the rescuer role for the narcissist.

The rescuer is being used by the narcissist; he or she is also a victim, and also being abused.

The narcissist uses the rescuer as an extension of his or her agenda, and has no qualms about dragging these people in, lying to them, getting them involved in chaos, or putting them at risk – even criminally, if they chose to engage at that level.

These people are objects and may be discarded when their usefulness is complete, and then may be re-recruited by the narcissist when the next triangulation opportunity presents.

The narcissist may go as far as to incite these people to do his or her dirty work, exit the scene and let them take the fall in his or her place.

So what makes someone susceptible for this role?

A variety of things.

Generally this person has been hooked by the narcissist and is trying to win his or her approval.

This person may have assigned the narcissist as their ‘source’, and due to struggling to generate their own self-worth and self-value buys the narcissist’s lies about ‘how special they are to the narcissist’.

The narcissist may lie or feign promises leading to some ‘hope’ for the future that this person believes is necessary from the narcissist – such as ‘love’, ‘approval’ ‘repayment’ of  ‘making amends’ or ‘security’.

The common denominator for people who chose to believe the narcissist’s version of events  (despite the ‘off’ and unwholesome feelings internally experienced and red flags appearing), is in some area of their life they see the narcissist as the source of what they want or need, rather than believing they are a generative source of that to themselves.

Intimate Partner Rescuers

New partners are often easily triangulated against ex partners.

The new partner wants to believe the fairy tale, and the façade the narcissist presents as ‘the dream partner who is the answer to all previous loneliness / emotional pain / security. ‘

The new partner does not want to investigate the ex-partner(s) evidence, does not want to question ‘the dream’ and easily believes the narcissist’s version. Especially when the narcissist is supplying the intoxication of ‘perfect love’ that narcissists do in the love-bombing period.

The new partner would rather ignore the truth and believe the lies.

Down the track, ex-partners, who were once at the bottom of the triangle being smeared and discredited to third parties, are often re-recruited to rescuer status when things turn sour with the new partner.

The narcissist is apt to go into a hoovering phase with still contactable ex-partners when cracks appear in future relationships. The narcissist may be low on narcissistic supply and / or suffering narcissistic injury, and the narcissist wishes to inflict punishment and revenge on the new partner for not complying with the narcissist’s False Self.

The ex-partner, if still hooked and not recovered from the previous narcissistic abuse, is highly susceptible to be used for sex, attention, sympathy, becoming an object of revenge, energy, resources and anything else the narcissist feels entitled to at this time.

The ex-partner may also take a stand against the new partner in a futile attempt to convince the narcissist that he or she is loyal and therefore worth loving and committing to again.

The narcissist can be totally charming, appear remorseful and even adoring when moving the ex-partner up from the bottom of the triangle to the top left hand corner.

This ex-partner naturally wants to believe the lies.

This person despite previous abuse doesn’t want to imagine the narcissist is very capable of demoting him or her again, and is likely to be playing out multiple games of smearing and demonising different sexual partners to each other (behind their backs) and creating them as the rescuer  (in person) simultaneously.

This, of course, sets them up against each other.

The different parties completely distrust each other and don’t believe each other’s versions. They also choose to believe the narcissist is so repulsed that there is no way he or she would go near that person let alone heaven forbid have sex with them.

Despite the numerous warning bells, red flags, inconsistencies and gnawing horrible feeling that something unsavoury is taking place.

The narcissist thus continues his or her operations undetected.

Many of you may have experienced this and know exactly what I am talking about. Maybe now you are thinking back and a light has come on for you.

The second narcissist in my life was discovered doing this with at least three different women (myself being one of them).

Eventually we all discovered the truth despite his lies and demonising allegations about ‘us’ all against each other.

Naturally behaviour like this is incredibly disturbing, pathological and quite frankly sick. However, what is incredibly important is to take responsibility for how we got in such a toxic dynamic, why we choose not to see the truth, and why we chose to believe lies and dismiss red flags.

My healing journey required enormous self-reflection and extreme dedication to self-work in order to release horrendous betrayal, and the darkness of female misogyny and sexual and emotional predatory abuse.

Most importantly, what required confronting and releasing was my inner unhealed and disowned parts which had led me into being involved with a narcissist, and being both the persecuted and the rescuer on such a dark pathological triangle.

The blind spots without ourselves cause us to miss the blind spots in others.

Non-Intimate Rescuers

Rescuers can also be people who are not past or current intimate partners.

Other people, used by the narcissist against the narcissist’s target, can include a family member (suffering from lack of self-worth) who is trying to source worthiness via the narcissist’s approval.

Likewise, a business associate (suffering from lack of self-capability) who believes the narcissist is a ticket to security and wealth may delude him or herself and combine forces with the narcissist against the target.

Friends of the narcissist who suffer from lack of self-worth and self-esteem, who get the payoff of the narcissist in their life for emotional approval and favours, or who are hooked and manipulated with guilt, may also be easy recruitment targets.

This is especially likely if this person acts out ‘righteousness’ as a result of projecting their own disowned inner wounding,

The Persecuted

Many people in this community know exactly what it is to be at the bottom of the triangle – being subjected to the narcissist’s smear campaigns, abuse by proxy and discrediting to your family, friends, community and associates.

If you are hooked in to this, you are in for a very hard time.

Narcissists are masters at playing out pathological behaviour, inciting reactions and turning the tables with “Look at him / her. THAT is the insane person”, and the more upset and frantic you become the guiltier you look.

I have been privy to more triangulation cases then I can count – as well as having experienced it myself.

This I promise you – the more you try to plead your innocence, highlight the narcissist’s pathology and clear your name the worse things get.

The more distressed, dismayed, angry and victimised you are, the more you hand over narcissistic supply, the more people will band with the narcissist and the greater your reputation, relationships (even those with the people you love the most) and livelihood will suffer.

The Self Defeating Model of Unconsciousness

You may feel like this is totally unfair.

You may exclaim “I have a right to be incensed!”

And of course you can continue down that path if you want… however there are two crucial reasons why it’s pointless.

The first is, you are playing straight into the narcissist’s hands.

You will NOT achieve exposing the narcissist. Instead you grant the narcissist the egoic delight of knowing he or she has the power to severely affect you.

This is A-grade revenge and narcissistic supply at its best.

The energy you direct at the situation provides what every high-conflict personality thrives on – the fuelling of a battle where you are NO match for the insane, delusional out of bounds behaviour that the narcissist is capable of.

You may have some people in your camp granting you sympathy and agreeing with your constant dismay and efforts to expose the narcissist.

The following may be a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth. Regardless of how much this person empathises with your pain, a healthy true friend could not view your obsession and see the mania of it without realising how unhealthy it is.

If these people agree with you – they are enabling your own self-destruction, and are ‘Yes” people who have their own agendas for not telling you the truth, or they have extremely poor boundaries, or / and their own unconscious issues to allow them to be involved with fuelling victimhood.

If these people aren’t calling you on what you are doing to yourself they are not authentic friends. These people are extremely similar to the unhealthy people the narcissist recruits as ‘The Rescuer’.

Not surprisingly you will discover many people pull away from you, because you have become too toxic and unhealthy to be around.

I promise you with all my heart – I have not seen ONE person on the incensed victimised track get well, get relief, heal or be able to productively get on with their life.

How can they when every day is poisoned with the toxic energy of ‘what the narcissist has done, is doing or will do’.

The second reason, and as far as I am concerned the most important reason you shouldn’t take on the incensed victimised stance is:  if you DO you have MISSED your evolution lesson.

Which means you are doomed to re-create it over and over again – until you finally DO take it on.

Let’s go back to the understanding of what unconsciousness is.

Unconsciousness is the inability to self-reflect and realise that you are the emotional energetic creator of your own experience.

Unconsciousness is the powerlessness of trying to control and change situations outside of yourself to improve your life rather than evolving yourself.

Unconsciousness is the root of all pain, all less than experiences, all inability to change painful patterns in life and all dysfunctional relations and relationships – including the devastation of triangulation.

We know the narcissist has no hope of becoming conscious, and that is not ‘ours’ anyway.

The Empowering Model of Consciousness

So how do WE become conscious?

By taking our attention inside us to ‘what hurts’ and drop deeply within to find and heal the original wounds that led us into this mess.

Module 4, 5 and 8 of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program are very powerful self-reflection and healing tools for triangulation.

By going deeply inside we discover many things about our own shadows that caused us to generate being triangulated (as our wake up call), and exactly why we are panicked, incensed, hooked in and feeling so abused and powerless.

What is it really about?

Here is a small list of the types of inner wounding that commonly leads us to attract and be persecuted in triangulation.

  • Believing your worth is dependent on approval from others, rather than loving and approving of yourself.
  • As a child being scapegoated, blamed and distrusted.
  • Believing you will ‘die’ or feel like you are ‘dying’ because the person who you thought was the source of your life is now demonising you.
  • Carrying the young inner wounds of terror of being punished (or even annihilated) because of something you have done.
  • Carrying the young inner wounds of terror that you will lose things or people dear to your heart because of something you have done.
  • Being triggered with the intense young inner panic “I have to change crazy people from being crazy so that I can be safe.”

I promise you – no matter how BADLY the narcissist is behaving your fearful, disturbed, panicked reactions are NOT coming from a healthy adult inner centre. They are triggers from very young, underdeveloped unhealed parts of you that established these wounds LONG before the narcissist brought these submerged wounds up to the surface for you.

One of the most simplest and profound realisations is this: when we have unresolved trauma it is trapped in our bodies. It then has ‘a life of its own’. What this means is we have internalised the abuser, and the abusive acts and we remain bonded to them, and we will continue re-creating that abuse over and over again.

Whatever wounds we have within us that remain unconscious present to us from the outside – from The Field of Life – in order to make them conscious.

Until they are healed…

That’s WHY this trauma has to be accessed and released.

It’s vital to understand the original wounding is NOT the narcissist – he or she is the continuation of The Field bringing to you your already unconscious wounds.

This is why it is fruitless to think the changes CAN take place outside of you. If you remain unconscious and your inner wounds keep fuelling your reactions, then The Filed via the narcissist will just get LOUDER.

The more IGNITED these wounds are, the more they project into and draw from The Field the absolute evidence of them.

No amount of unconscious ‘doing’ rectifies this.

Can you see what is really going on?

If you were coming from a healthy adult centre you would detach, pull back, know your own solidness, truth and integrity non-dependent on others ‘getting it’, create boundaries, deal with everything calmly and logically as needed, and start generating your own healthy life that does NOT include pathological insanity.

The real truth of the matter is: if you were already healed and did not have these blind-spots, triangulation could NOT have turned up in your life. You would have pulled away long before matters got to this level.

The truth is when you do heal these parts you will feel solid, you will feel resolved, you will no longer be addicted and obsessed. You will healthily detach, and you will be free.

Not just from this toxic exchange – but ALSO the possibility of future events.

That was my REAL truth – and it is yours as well.

This is not about shame and blame – this is about taking personal responsibility and claiming personal power.

The truth is never shaming unless we chose to try to stuff our shadows back down, and then of course we shame ourselves.

In stark contrast The Truth is the LIGHT that dissolves these shadows and sets us free.

The evolved parts of ourselves know Life supports truth, integrity and solidness and we have nothing to fear from powerless False Selves.

It is only our young, fearful, insecure unhealed parts that hand energy over to narcissists – and it is these parts of ourselves that provide the fuel for narcissists to do what they do.

Without our wounding and associated fear and pain narcissists have NO power.

Which is exactly what you will experience for yourself if you take the gift of the lesson and evolve yourself.

You will up-level into no pain, no handing over of energy, no obsession or thoughts spent on rubbish. Additionally, you will experience people automatically believing you (not that your Identity requires that to feel ‘whole’) and you will know a greater level of empowerment and emotional freedom than you ever believed possible.


Because this experience led you to heal your inner shadows that you previously didn’t know you needed to heal.

The unconscious became conscious.

You will also experience the narcissist falling flat on his or her face (not that your Identity requires that to feel ‘whole’). Because when you no longer provide energy, the narcissist can’t produce any on his or her own.

The truth is: narcissists are ‘lifeless’ and have to steal energy to produce any.

Defeating the narcissist authentically by starving him or her of your energy may be your initial motivation to start becoming conscious.

However, I’d like you to understand the greatest powerful truth you could ever know, one that your entire life experience depends upon.

When your orientation becomes totally about dedication to detaching from what other people are or aren’t doing, and becomes firmly involved in the up-levelling of your own unconscious parts, you will break free into the greatest joy, expansion, peace, love and flourishing that you have ever known.

You will start connecting with and generating your True Being and your True Life.

You will also create a world one person at a time where energy is no longer provided to narcissists.

Then they will be left with themselves only, with only two choices remaining…

Get conscious or become extinct.

– See more at:

Posted in Alienation

Stemming the cycle of toxic stress – for the kids’ sake – The Santa Fe New Mexican: Family

A growing body of research shows that children who experience abuse and other stressors have a greater likelihood of developing chronic diseases when they get older. In response, the American Academy of Pediatrics is urging doctors to intervene by screening parents and young patients who could be at risk.

Source: Stemming the cycle of toxic stress – for the kids’ sake – The Santa Fe New Mexican: Family

Posted in Alienation

Adult Children Of Psychopaths, Narcissists And Sociopaths:

Coming from a pathological family, with the psychopath, narcissist or sociopathic parent as the center of the family universe, can create a negativity that says the glass is always empty. We are left to ‘problem solve’ throughout childhood and adolescence in survival mode, while enduring overwhelming amounts of daily abuse. We are not taught to create solution to problems but to avoid them, as this keeps the mask of the pathological parent and family secure.

As adults, through God’s grace, we come to awareness about how sick and pathological our families are. Most often, this awareness occurs through the extremes we experience in a love relationship with a disordered one.

We begin to note that the behaviors exhibited by our partner’s are severe and extreme, whether it’s manipulation, gas lighting, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial or spiritual abuse of any kind, something about their behaviors and our reactions to it, awaken us to the truth about psychopathy, narcissism and sociopathy.

If we are not carrying a Cluster B personality disorder of our own, the hope for awareness, I believe, will increase. This awareness presents an opportunity for validation about our experiences with our pathological parent, family dynamics, roles, etc.

It becomes clearer to us over time, and as we get older and continue to choose partners that are disordered and situations that are highly dramatic and chaotic, including friendships.

Depending upon how intense the relationship, it can take one relationship or several more, each one increasingly more pathological and sick than the last, before we can see the pattern of our own behaviors and choices, clearly, as well as the behavior of our partners and parent/family.

Coming to awareness about our family background after the break up of a romantic relationship, can be shocking to us. As we explore the reasons for the partnered relationship demise, in desperation, we stumble upon information about the disorders. And as we process the relationship, we begin to see that our lives may be full of Cluster B’s, including our own family of origin (FOO).

We find ourselves feeling only slightly validated after reading about the behaviors exclusive to the Cluster B, but there is so much more to sort through on an emotional level for an adult child of psychopaths, narcissists and sociopath. Recognizing the behaviors in our family of origin, we begin to ask questions, see abuse tactics used by the parent and the roles that we and our siblings played and continue to play.

Adult children who are intuitive and empathic, may find that even their siblings are disordered or extremely emotionally troubled in some way. When we dare to confront, on some level, the family dynamic, directly with the pathological parent or with the siblings, we may find ourselves under attack, manipulated, gas lighted, the focus of the family problems from the beginning.

We may see reactions as we confront our parent or other family members while asking questions and trying to ‘correct’ the ‘problems’ that are spontaneous, sudden and extreme. Unprepared for battle in all our pain, anguish and confusion, we are not validated, but find ourselves invalidatedmore.

We have not yet digested that they are incapable of validation, that they too are lacking in conscience and empathy. What we are seeking in safety, or with hope, is anything but safe and can be very dangerous to us. While a survivor might know that something is wrong, that her ex partner is definitely disordered, when it comes to this reality about the family, things are far more enmeshed and skewed, viewing life from the original and distorted pathological lens. . .

Many survivors with pathological parents, come to me upon this discovery in reading my work and connecting the dots, already embroiled in extraordinary amounts of abuse from the parent or family, as they begin to think about no contact and escape. Most have already begun to confront their family members about the family dynamic, some are in such dangerous situations that it’s not possible to do so, yet the confusion and pain is intense for them.

They are beaten down from not only a pathological partner or close friendship, but also from years of exploitation, manipulation and other forms of abuse from family members. Often the pathological parent is on the ‘war path’ with the survivor and has engaged siblings or other family members to activate their roles to an all time high in order to invalidate and silence the perceived threat, the survivor as one about the open the pandora’s box of family abuse and secrets.

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Posted in Alienation

Alienator Personality Disorders, Malicious Intent, And Manipulation Are Key Tools

Certain Alienator Personality Types Lead To Parental Alienation

I lost my oldest daughter when she was 14.  For over ten years I have been haunted by the inability to understand why I lost her and how abusers perpetrate alienation.   She is now in her mid 20’s and, although I sometimes still blame myself I have always known that the real story is a mystery tied to my ex-husband and his overt, malicious campaign to promulgate revenge against me.  His success is reflected in her penchant for sending emails  reminding me how completely she has rejected me and how deeply she hates me.  At one point she even threatened to seek a restraining order if I continued to try to contact her.

I recently received an email with a long list of reasons justifying her shutting me out of her life.  I was astounded that almost all the accusations were complete fabrications totally detached from reality.  I was equally astounded by the passion with which she wrote.  And, I realized that she truly believed her fantasies.  But, then I realized her words were really her father’s.  She had totally lost herself to hispathological narcissism, his nonsensical need for revenge, and his overwhelming compulsion to hurt me. I also came to realize that Parental Alienation will be successful if perpetrated by a certain alienator personality type.

Now, ten years later I have lost my youngest daughter and I am experiencing the same process of denigration.  As I have tried to fight back I have learned a great deal about how spouses and ex-spouses perpetrate Parental Alienation but perhaps the most important but elusive piece of the puzzle has been beyond my grasp.  The missing piece is an explanation of exactly how the alienator personality successfully conditions  children to become tools of his abuse.  What are the mechanisms used to cause loving children to turn so completely to hate?

The three topics introduced below and linked to more comprehensive descriptions may be helpful in understanding the alienation mechanisms. Also, psychological disorders are consistently persistent in an alienator personality.

Cult Leadership

Steven Hassan is an escapee from the psychological hold of Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church cult.  In describing how he first became a “Moonie” he wrote that a person doesn’t just go out and join a cult.  Rather, you come in contact with some members and slowly get sucked in until the charismatic leader closes the deal. I found that qualities found in cult leaders are pervasive in the alienator personality.  Read more about how a cult leader mentality can perpetrate parental alienation.

“Charismatic Authority”

The great sociologist, Max Weber, coined the term Charismatic Authority.  It develops from a set of unique personality characteristics that define the relationship between  leaders and their followers.  The unique personality traits inspire certain vulnerable individuals who become obedient followers. Today, we tend to think of  charisma  as a good personality trait but Weber believed that individuals derived their Charismatic Authority not because  they are kind but because their followers view them as almost superhuman.  It is not coincidental that people with  Charismatic Authority tend to also  display very powerful traits of Narcissism. Click on the link to read more about how people with Charismatic Authority can perpetrate parental alienation.


Brainwashing is a term that we tend to use loosely when referring to a severe form of influencing a person’s set of values and beliefs. Initially,  it seems to fit well with a description of how a person can perpetrate parental alienation.  But, there are some problems.  There is no doubt that the alienator influences change in the attitudes and beliefs of the child but most definitions of brainwashing involve isolation of the victim and/or either real or threatened physical coercion.  It is difficult to determine the extent to which either technique may play in a child’s alienation but there are enough relevant threads to investigate how brainwashing may be used in  parental alienation.

Posted in Alienation

The following may be key elements in the alienating process:

The following may be key elements in the alienating process:

The alienator likely could be diagnosed with a emotional disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder.  Whatever the disorder the alienator most likely is fearful of abandonment, is highly manipulative, lacks empathy, dominates relationships, and can be very intimidating or even violent. They can also be superficially  charming.

The children most likely initially love both parents.  But, they are caught in the middle of a toxic split and are pressured to take sides.  The divorce itself as well as the siding pressure causes great stress.  The stress make the children desperate for relief.  At this point they are susceptible to the “charismatic authority” inherent in the relationship between the children and the alienator with an emotional disorder.

The alienator who is already outraged at the other parent picks up on the suffering of the children or perhaps an existing problem between children and the other parent and initiates a campaign of denigration against the target.  Or, perhaps their emotional  disorder combined with hatred sets off the campaign.

The actual process can take different forms but typically involves an unrelenting campaign of accusations that the target parent is completely responsible for the divorce, that he/she does not really love the children, the alienator is the good parent while the target is bad,  and since the alienator is the fun parent life would be much better if the children would just reject the target.

Whether it takes 2 weeks or 10 years (as with me), unless there is intervention,  the child ceases to resist and rejects the targeted parent. The parent with the emotional disorder wins. Everyone else loses.

In the end it is the “charismatic authority” inherent in the relationship between parent and child that enables the alienator to abuse his or her power to successfully alienate children from the targeted parent.  Unfortunately, not only is the target devastated but also the victimized children most likely will be scarred for life.  And, the alienator, who lacks empathy, won’t even care.

Posted in Alienation

Convergent Personality or Emotional Disorders

Parents capable of inflicting the pain and the cruelty of alienating their own children from their other parent almost always display symptoms of one or more personality disorders.  Narcissistic Personality Disorder appears to be both the most prevalent affliction and the most dangerous. But, alienators frequently have also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality DisorderAnti-Social Personality Disorder, Psychopathy, and Sociopathy.

But, is the existence of a emotional disorder in and of itself sufficient to cause a parent to inflict such damage on the very people they presumably love.  Not every divorced parent with a disorder declares war on the ex-spouse and undertakes a no-prisoners strategy to destroy their ex.  The children who become alienated during the process are just “casualties of war.”  This total lack of empathy is consistent with these disorders but the rage experienced by a narcissist or sociopath is just as likely to express itself through violence as through a carefully designed psychological campaign of destruction. And, not all children are susceptible to alienation.  So, under what circumstances can one parent successfully foster the hate that their children develop for the targeted parent.

When I was fighting to keep my youngest daughter I turned for help to a number of professionals– psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, child advocates, college professors, and lawyers.  It did not take long for me to realize that these  professionals were not very knowledgeable about the problem, the courts didn’t care, and several either were totally ignorant  or tried to convince me that my daughter was just going through the typical emotional stages experienced by all teen-age girls as they passed through puberty.

I turned to a close psychologist friend.  She actually was familiar with everything we discussed but when asked “how does he do it” her response was “I just don’t know.”  Unfortunately, this seems to be the mantra of the professionals.  They understand the emotional disorders and, to some extent,  they understand Parental Alienation.  But, they do not understand the actual dynamic involved.

I have come to the conclusion that their failure is due to the way they view and analyze the situation.  They tend to look at the problem simply as a manifestation of the individual’s disorder.  But, this is not enough.  I am not a psychologist or a social worker but I am convinced that the alienation process can succeed only if there is a convergence of emotional disorders, traits, and the relational circumstances inherent between the parent and children.  These are my thoughts and conclusions about how the alienation process actually works.

Parental Alienation first and foremost requires a parent with a personality or emotional disorder identified above and elsewhere on the site.  There must be a pathological fear of abandonment as well as the lack of empathy and the need and ability to manipulate and dominate others.The alienator may have a “splitting” personality which is a disorder that tends to deny them the ability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs about others. Splitting is very common in people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and it leads people with BPD to view themselves and others as either all good or all bad.  They have difficulty synthesizing their feelings into one cohesive whole.  In Parental Alienation the alienator convinces the child victims that they are “all good” while the target is “all bad.”

The child must have a close, loving, and trusting relationship with the alienator parent.  The child must also be malleable.  If there has been or continues to be conflict between the child and the targeted parent the alienator parent will find it much easier to win the child’s loyalty while convincing him/her that the target is bad and does not love the child.  The alienator eventually is mistakenly portrayed as the loving, caring, and even fun parent. In this sense the child is successfully “brainwashed” as defined and explained elsewhere.
The children should have psychological profiles that would indicate vulnerability to something similar to “Stockholm Syndrome.”  This, in itself might be an emotional disorder.
At some point alienated children’s emotional development is stunted, they become an appendage of the alienator and become complicit in the process.  They adopt and parrot the alienator and display disdain and hatred for the targeted parent.  Like hostages suffering from Stockholm Syndrome they identify and align themselves with the very person who has abused them.  They are the product of the alienator’s aggression, manipulation, intimidation, message repetition, lying, brainwashing, and who knows what else.
In 1985 the psychiatrist, Richard Gardner, developed the concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome to describe alienation when the child-victim becomes an active participant in the denigration of the targeted parent.  The DSM-5 has not accepted Gardner’s definition but they do accept that alienation does exist. And, it is generally recognized that the alienator parent has one or more emotional disorders.

So, this background information is all fine and good but it still doesn’t answer the question: “What is the trait, factor, element, or circumstance that actually enables one parent to so utterly destroy the other?   Hate and opportunity are relevant but not the answer.  In fact, I have been unable to find an answer in the literature or from human experts.  So, I have developed my own theory.  It is “Charismatic Authority.”


If you are a targeted parent your relationship with your ex-spouse has probably devolved to the point of mutual hatred.  You likely see him/her as a dirt bag and are totally unable to accept that your ex has any redeeming value and most certainly not any charisma.  But, remember that you married that person and you made children together.  What you probably did not know that your spouse was even then burdened with an emotional disorder. So, at some point in the past you felt your significant other possessed some semblance of charisma as we use the term today.  I use the word “today” because it has a somewhat different meaning than in the past. So, keep reading.

The great German sociologist, Max Weber, coined the term “Charismatic Authority.” He did not particularly consider the term “charisma” in the positive light that we do today.   Until his use of the term it had religious overtones and even when he applied more secular connotations there was still the implication that the charismatic leader somehow derived the quality from a spiritual source.

Weber viewed charisma as a certain quality of an individual’s personality, by virtue of which he is set apart from ordinary men and treated as endowed with supernatural, superhuman, or at least exceptional powers or qualities. These qualities are not accessible to the ordinary person, but are regarded as of divine origin. Charismatic individuals are considered exemplary and on the basis of these exemplary characteristics the individual is treated as a leader.

Power is legitimized on the basis of a leader’s exceptional personal qualities or the demonstration of extraordinary insight and accomplishment, which inspire loyalty and obedience from followers.

All power rests entirely with the leader.

Charismatic Authority Today

Charisma is an undefined, intangible, and irrational personal quality that defines the relationship between a leader and followers.  It is one of those things that may be difficult or impossible to define but most of us recognize it when we see it. It is very personal in the sense that what seems charismatic to one person may have no such effect on another.  So, charismatic leadership really is defined by the followers. Still, most charismatic leaders attract followers to whom they appear very eloquent and with whom they are able to communicate on a deep, emotional level.  They are able to stimulate strong emotions in their followers.  These traits are not uncommon in narcissists, sociopaths, borderlines, and others with emotional disorders.  Some of history’s most famous and infamous leaders were highly charismatic, were afflicted with a personality disorder,  and were able to evoke deep emotional responses in huge numbers of followers.

Shrink It Down To Family Size

Now, take a deep breadth and for a minute try to step away from the toxic relationship with your former spouse. Consider “charismatic authority” on a smaller scale against a backdrop of your bitter divorce.  It makes sense that charisma is the elusive quality that enables one parent to alienate children against the target.

It is important to accept and understand that charisma is totally in the mind and perceptions of the followers. Children of any divorce are fragile and especially so in a toxic split where they are receiving very different messages from each parent.  They are very vulnerable to a parent with an emotional disorder that can reach them at a visceral level and enable them to make sense of their dysfunctional world. And, bringing order to their chaotic lives may require in their minds the rejection of the “other” parent.  If the parent has a personality disorder the risk of alienation increases exponentially.

Parents naturally command a level of “charismatic authority” in relationship with their children.  The children depend on their leadership and direction, hold them in the highest esteem, and elevate them to exalted positions whether or not the parents earns such reverence. Most importantly, children depend on and trust their parents as they struggle to find their own path through life.  In a normal, stable household both parents enjoy “charismatic authority” but when the relationship disintegrates a parent with an emotional disorder may use their natural prestige to betray the children and use them as tools against the ex-spouse.


It is well understood that many symptoms displayed by people with various personality disorders correlate to dysfunctional parents who will sacrifice their children as they employ a strategy of parental alienation.  Less understood is the mechanism used to accomplish the goal.  The concept of “charismatic authority”  is like a bonding agent that binds elements and enables one parent to alienate the other from their children.  The charismatic element is a natural and powerful manifestation of the parent-child relationship but is likely to be undetectable to outsiders.  Most parents would not mis-use their charismatic relationship with their children but the alienator most likely has a personality disorder that enables them to use the children to successfully avenge their perceived mistreatment by the targeted parent.