Posted in SO HOW DID IT GET TO THIS POINT?

SO HOW DID IT GET TO THIS POINT?

I haven’t seen my 7-year-old son in one year. You’re probably thinking “what the heck did she do? She must have done SOMETHING”. Well, take a moment to pretend that the world is a perfect place. The world is full of honest, loyal, people who are gracious and caring. There is no prejudgment and in this world everyone has an honest story to be told. Well… here is mine.

The last time that I saw Connor was August 2014 when he came to visit me for the summer. It was one of the best summers I could have asked for. Being a mother, I had to adapt to the things that only “boys can like” according to Connor. “You’re not allowed to like my things, you’re a girl”.
We spent our summer going to the beaches, fishing, and most importantly, bonding. We went to the National Zoo, carnivals, and toy stores. We even had Nerf gun wars; which he thought was hilarious. Every night Connor would ask me to tuck him in and my heart would melt. I tucked him in and laid down beside him: I always felt like this was a perfect time to get to know what he was thinking. I would always ask him if there was anything he wanted to talk about.

His birthday is in August, which is the last time I saw him. To make this birthday special, I decided that we would celebrate his birthday for an entire week. Every night during that week, we shared a cupcake to celebrate again: he loves cake. During his birthday week I took him to New York City; we went sight-seeing and spent a lot of time walking around Times Square. It was like a whole new world full of characters and superheroes. He couldn’t believe it.

Then the big surprise LEGO LAND. We spent hours there playing with Lego’s and looking at all of the creations made from Lego’s.

When I dropped him off at the end of our summer visit after his birthday week, I gave him the longest hug and kissed him. I kept telling myself “don’t cry. Don’t let him see you upset”. As I pulled out of the driveway I began to sob. I had no idea what the struggle ahead of me would be.


SO HOW DID IT GET TO THIS POINT? HERE’S THE BACKGROUND:

In 2009, the court ordered that I would be primary residential parent and share joint custody with his father. We were able to work things out through mediation and everything was fair and agreed upon. We both compromised and we put Connor first. Unfortunately, four months later Connor’s father moved back to Wisconsin. This made joint custody very difficult.

For the next several years I raised Connor 90% of time. I was a single mother, with a low paying job, and toddler. It was extremely difficult because I worked long hours to make extra money; and Connor had to be in daycare. I was barely getting by, but I was making it all work out.

Despite being exhausted and angry, I understood the importance of Connor’s need to have a bond with both of us. I didn’t want anyone to miss out on time with each other. Without the court, we were able to reach agreements and scheduled visits for a month or so at a time. Since Connor was not in school it was easy to work out. We seemed to be working everything out among ourselves.

In 2013 I was laid off from my position from a government contractor. Knowing I was scared, being a young mom, his father offered to take him for a few months. I was happy that he offered because it would give me the time to find a new job and for Connor to spend time with his family. When his father picked him up, I wasn’t worried about anything. I was feeling hopeful and optimistic that everything would work out.

What a bad idea that was! Soon after that I was slapped in the face… all the way from Wisconsin. His family, including his father, had decided to enroll him in school in Wisconsin. I had no idea that his intentions were ever to keep our son in Wisconsin. We had Connor in Maryland, our court order was in Maryland, and we had always discussed these things. He had even mentioned a few schools in Maryland that he liked and we gotten information each of the schools. I was under the impression that he was moving back to Maryland.

At that moment I felt betrayed and I was in shock. How could this happen? Why would he do this without talking to me? I didn’t know what to do. I felt as if I was being bullied by his family and his father; saying that this is what was best, they would hire a lawyer, and they would keep Connor. Being a soft-spoken, quiet person, with little support, and not very much money, I believed that I had to comply or that Connor would be taken away. I was young and scared and I had no idea what to do.

In hindsight, I should never have let them tell me what to do or act as if I am not his mother. Prior to having a child, I always made the right decisions; I worked and paid my way through school, I earned a B.S, paid off student debt, and considerably worked my way into a career. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT TO DO, but with this situation I was out of my league.

In May 2015, I was told Connor would not be visiting me this summer. His father and wife had already made plans to travel and they wanted him for the summer. At that point I decided that I have had enough.

I took a long hard look in the mirror and told myself that I am Connor’s mother, I have rights as his parent, and I am going to do something about it. My son needs me; whether his father and family realized it or not.

I was ready to start the most important fight of my life. The fight for my child to know just how much his mother loves him.

I am saving money, working overtime, and I write resumes for extra money. I was able to obtain a lawyer and I want my parental rights back. Even though I have hired representation; I have used all of my savings. This case will be expensive and it is a unique and unclear situation in regards to this law. This is a The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA) case. To simplify, it’s a law to determine which state would rule over the case.


WHAT I HAVE REALIZED:

I am happy that he has father and step mom who love him, but I love him too. I am happy that he married a person who loves and cares about Connor. She does help a lot and Connor loves her right back.

I am not happy when his step mom tells me “He is my son, I am the good mother, and that I need to talk to the real mothers in the world, because I am not a mother.” or texts stating “I am going to get MY son ready.” These messages and comments are meant to intentionally hurt me and they absolutely do. I have been accused of horrible acts and belittled. I don’t understand why. The worst comment so far has been, “it takes more than giving birth to be a mother.”

There is a 7 year history and a story that everyone has forgotten. It’s not just the past 2 years; there was a point when the roles were reversed. When I bring this up, I am told that I have made it all up in my head and that it’s not true. Well, it is true and it’s documented. I am not going away. I love Connor and it’s so important he knows that I do care, I do love him, and I want to see him.

I try to get along everyone for Connor’s sake. I have taken them out to dinner, I have swallowed my pride, I have given almost everything that they have asked for, I compromise, and I have been cordial. I have tried to work on a friendship with my son’s father; sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not. I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore and I wonder if I ever did. In moments of intense emotion I have been guilty of saying the wrong things. But even so, Mother’s Day I thanked her for her help with Connor. I swallowed my pride. No response.

All I have expected in return is respect, communication about Connor, and my rights to see him.

On a side note; I have my son’s very best interests at heart. I believe that he has individual rights and as parents we have a responsibility. Our responsibility is to ensure that our children grow up in a loving environment, that we guide them into becoming wonderful people, and we lead by example.

We protect them and their rights until they grow up and become better versions of us.

http://theanalyticallife.com/my-personal-story/

Posted in Alienation

ALIENATION, BY DEFINITION, MEANS TO ISOLATE ONE THING FROM ANOTHER.

Parental alienation is a set of damaging behaviors to a child’s mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. Parental alienation happens when one parent undermines the authority of the other.

In an ideal situation, but parents share joint custody. They are united in one aspect: and that when it comes to the child. Priorities and joint decisions should be made about their child’s education, safety, welfare and activities. Important decisions should always be made JOINTLY.

Unfortunately, that isn’t always the circumstance and, with parental alienation, one parent influences the child to believe the other parent’s authority is not important. The alienator may accuse the other parent of being less capable of parenting, the subject of ridicule and far less important in the child’s life. They think that they know what’s best; and the other parent is simply unnecessary. The most unfortunate part of these situations is the child and parent bond and respect is lost.

SOME EXAMPLES PARENTAL ALIENATION BEHAVIOR:

  • Sabotaging and interfering with visits or not permitting visits at all.
  • Depriving the targeted parent of important information about the child, including but not limited to medical, educational, and social activities.
  • Not informing and excluding the targeted parent from the child’s activities, parent/teacher conferences, birthdays, religious events, graduations, etc.
  • Programming the child against the targeted parent by belittling, criticizing, and deprecating the targeted parent in the child’s presence.
  • Removing the targeted pictures of the targeted parent from the child’s awareness.
  • Interference with and not being supportive of contact between the targeted parent and the child. This contact includes the telephone, text messaging, e-mailing, Skype, or other methods.
  • Making unilateral decisions in major areas regarding the child.
  • Verbally and physically abusing the targeted parent.
  • Defying the targeted parent’s supervision and authority.

OTHER ACTIONS OF ALIENATOR:

  • Parent to child comments that insult, scorn or otherwise speak negatively of the other parent. The topics can include the reasons for the separation or divorce (blaming the other parent for it), stating the other parent doesn’t love the child or family, of just open and inappropriate criticism of the other parent’s actions.
  • Allowing others (generally planned) to make disparaging comments about the other parent in the child’s presence. Grandparents and siblings are most often the vehicle for this type of disparagement.
  • Entrenching the child into the divorce or custody case. This happens by the alienating parent sharing details (often distorted or false ones) of the child custody case, the parents’ respective positions and statements in the divorce. The purpose of this entrenchment is to influence the child against the other parent by portraying one parent (the alienating one) as the “good” parent and the other as the “bad.”

TYPES OF ALIENATORS:

  • Active alienators also know better than to alienate, but their intense hurt or anger causes them to impulsively lose control over their behavior or what they say. Later, they may feel very guilty about how they behaved.
  • Obsessed alienators have a fervent cause to destroy the targeted parent. Frequently a parent can be a blend between two types of alienators, usually a combination between the naïve and active alienator. Rarely does the obsessed alienator have enough self-control or insight to blend with the other types.

OTHER CRUCIAL ASPECTS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION

PARENTAL SUBSTITUTION:

Parental substitution, like other forms of alienation, takes place in many ways. The most common are:

  • Influence a child to call the alienating parent’s significant other “Dad” or “Mom”.
  • Allowing the belief that the child has two dads or two moms to become ingrained in this child. This is done by using others to perpetuate this influence on the child.
  • Allowing the non-parent to take on parental roles in various aspects of the child’s life. This includes socialization, activities, education, discipline, etc.
  • Persuading the child that the substitute parent has a greater love for the child than the biological parent.

PARENTAL ALIENATION AND FALSE ALLEGATIONS:

  • This includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse.

IMPACT ON THE ALIENATED PARENT
When a devastating event or series of events occurs to an individual, it can have profound effects on their ability to cope and deal with life and the event. They can have panic attacks, uncontrollable crying, Inability to think clearly, Anger, Fear, Hatred, Rage, Uncontrollable fight or flight response.

This can lead to extreme depression, exaggerated emotional responses including irritability and anger, substance abuse, insomnia or excessive sleep, nightmares, heightened attention and reactions, inability to concentrate, or finish a task.  The parent might feel lost, confused, scared, and alone. Parental Alienation has a serious impact on both the parent and the child; start paying attention.

http://theanalyticallife.com/parental-alienation/

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

“Reconcile With Your Children, Reconcile With Yourself If You Cannot.”

We help alienated or excluded parents to see opportunities between them and their children they wouldn’t otherwise see, then we work to facilitate a reconciliation, and remediation of their relationship. If reconciliation cannot happen, we work to help these parents reconcile with themselves . ~ Stan Korosi

http://dialogueingrowth.com.au/

Posted in Prove to Me That There is Such a Thing as Parental Alienation

Prove to Me That There is Such a Thing as Parental Alienation

  1. Start with the testimony of formerly alienated teens who said that they had they were manipulated to reject one parent.
  2. Then move on to  the testimony of formerly alienated adults who (much later than 18) came to realize that they more manipulated to reject parental alienation.
  3. Then read the  Foundations book from Dr C A Childress who shows it is all standard psychology all within widely accepted DSM 5
  4. Then note that the United Nations recognizes the right of children to be loved and cared for by both parents
  5. Then note the   testimony of more than 10,000 parents  who testify that things were going well between them and their child until there was a relationship problem (divorce, separation, disagreement) between them and their spouse / boyfriend / girlfriend / SO / partner , and which time the spouse retaliated by manipulating the child against them
  6. Note this Judge Gorcyca who said “Any lawyer, judge, mental health professional, or case worker who has ANY involvement in the family court, is aware that one of the most devastating issues we face is that of Parental Alienation.

Other sources to be added: the Texas judge who says anyone who has been in the business for any length of time knows there is a such a thing as parental alienation”.  Links for Social Psychology

https://sites.google.com/site/centralohiopa/prove-to-me-that-there-is-such-a-thing-as-parental-alienation

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

Uniting in a Scientific Foundation

Dr. Craig Childress: Attachment Based "Parental Alienation" (AB-PA)

I received a Comment from Michelle Jones, LCSW to my blog post Bringing the Era of Gardnerian PAS to a Close.

I found her Comment so articulate and spot-on accurate that I decided to repost it here as a blog.  In my view, her description of the situation is exactly correct.

As preface let me say that the only thing I care about is bringing an end to the family tragedy of “parental alienation.”  And we can accomplish that.  We can bring this family nightmare to an end.  Today.  This instant.  The pathology of “parental alienation” is not some type of new and unique pathology. It is a manifestation of established, well-defined, and well-understood forms of psychopathology that ALL mental health professionals should ALREADY be knowledgeable in, especially if they are working with this type of pathology.

An attachment-based model of “parental alienation” is NOT me… it’s Kernberg…

View original post 2,609 more words

Posted in Popular PA articles by LinkedIn members

Popular PA articles by LinkedIn members

Articles, experts, jobs, and more: get all the professional insights you need on LinkedIn

https://www.linkedin.com/topic/parental-alienation

Posted in TREATMENT FOR SEVERE PARENTAL ALIENATION

TREATMENT FOR SEVERE PARENTAL ALIENATION

Program Philosophy This program is based upon the principles of structural family therapy as established by my mentor, child psychiatrist, Salvador Minuchin. The philosophy is quite simple and logical: people are most likely to change for those whom they love and for those who love them. Based on that axiom, my program elevates the alienated parent into the position of the deprogrammer and healer of the child. To quote from my book: No quantity or quality of words between the child and the therapist—who is nonetheless a stranger—can possibly have as powerful and as meaningful an impact as when the therapist provides, instead, an environment in which emotions and experiences are released among family members. No therapist, however competent and well intentioned, can possibly recreate a relationship with the child that rivals intimate family relationships— particularly the meaningful parent/child relationship. It seems so evident, then, that the crucial player to assume the deprogramming role is the “formally” loved and loving alienated parent. Indeed, I assert that the deprogrammer who has the greatest potential for success is the alienated parent—who is not only the holder of the family truths—but who has had the loving relationship with the child. The role then for the therapist is to serve as a catalyst, who encourages and guides the creation of healthy, corrective transactions between the alienated parent and child as well as among all the family members. Using various mementos of the family history—such as photographs, videos, cards, drawings, etc.—I will assist the alienated parent and child to travel down memory lane together so as to help them emotionally reconnect to each other as their memories come alive using such mementos. I will also support the alienated parent to correct the child’s revisionist history about the family events and, through corrective experiences with the alienated parent, help the child to lift the repression of her/his true loving feelings for and need of the alienated parent. Through this process, the child’s instinctual, though repressed, emotions for the alienated parent are released. These experiences have a powerful impact upon all involved. This approach—as with all schools of family systems therapy—appreciates the compelling effect of experience over words to produce change. I will assist the alienated parent to sensitively correct the child’s distorted, delusional thinking about her/him and the family history and remind the child of the prior positive involvement with the alienated parent. The treatment approach not only involves the events occurring in the therapy office, but also the day to day activities in which the and parent engage in together as they go through the day outside of the therapy office. Again complying with the philosophical underpinnings of family systems therapy, change occurs—not as a result of talking about new experiences—but actually creating new experiences.

read the full article

By Linda Gottlieb Kase, LMFT, LCSW-  http://www.endparentalalienation.com/End_Parental_Alienation/Welcome_files/TREATMENT%20FOR%20SEVERE%20ALIENATION.pdf

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

Happily Never After: Decoding Narcissistic Devaluation and Deceptive Abuse

Source: Happily Never After: Decoding Narcissistic Devaluation and Deceptive Abuse

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Source: The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Posted in Parental Alienation PA

Narcissists vs. Sociopaths: 11 Key Similarities & Differences

Source: Narcissists vs. Sociopaths: 11 Key Similarities & Differences