The alienators “tools of trade”

Many alienators will not come out and degrade the targeted openly (many do), some use more subtle methods and when you think you have heard it all more come to light, although some use only a few others use many, here are some;

  1. Sympathy … alienators often use sympathy to gain the loyalty of the children, this can be as simple as “he/she left us with no money and does not care about us”, sympathy from friends and family is important also as the alienator sees this as loyalty, support and justification for their actions … “I cry and miss you terribly when you stay over at his/her place”, not hard to guess what the children are left with on this one, they do not want to see the alienator hurt, anyone for that matter but the targeted do not usually say things like this so the children do not think the alienator does miss them or get hurt when they are not with the targeted.
  2. Emotional support … by enlisting the childrens emotional support the children become loyal at the cost of the other parent, here the alienator sets out to have the children feel sorry for the alienator and to have negative attitudes towards the targeted, the children are made to feel they have to support the alienator and in many cases are also made to feel that if they continue to love the targeted that the alienator will be let down.
  3. False allegations of abuse … one of the favourites, this can be and mostly is sexual abuse against the children, this is a biggy and hits hard to the innocent targeted parent and often results in that parent not seeing the children for some time or only under supervision after some time and then court proceedings all of which are expensive and emotionally draining, here the alienator is hoping the targeted will just give up and walk away or to give in to unreasonable demands, usually financial.
  4. Control … the alienator has to feel in control and will do almost anything to get it and an example here is “if you do that then this may happen (bad)”, leaving the children to make the decission that the alienator wanted all along.
  5. The power of Suggestive comments … “you make sure that he/she looks after you when you are there, make sure that you get enough food and tell me if you don’t”, when a child hears this type of comment they immediately become suspicious and concerned with the targeted parent, and will often report negatively about their stay to the alienator knowing the alienator is expecting it.
  6. Trying to buy love … the alienator will most likely have the children prepared that should you give them something that they don’t have at the alienators place their comment will be “you cannot buy our love with gifts”, the real side of this is the children think they do not love you and that you cannot secure their love, the alienator will have gone to great lengths on this one so that whatever you do they may well refuse to love you.
  7. Name changing … the alienator in many case’s tries to change the childrens surnames and has the children believe that their new name is a better name and possibly that your surname has a bad reputation and that is why the change, the alienator will have justified the attempt to change their name to the children in some way.
  8. “Does he/she treat and speak to you properly” … a simple thing like you raising your voice will be and indication to the children that you don’t, by the time the alienator has finished with this one you will have shouted at them and the alienator will have said things like “if he/she shouted at you then he/she does not respect or love you”, it is not the alienator making the decission about you, the children based on what the alienator has explained will make the decission that you do not respect or love them.   This is a favourite method used by an alienator, just supply a well crafted and pointed basis for a decission and let them make it to the negative when it suits the alienator.   The children will most likely be lead to feel that you are not deserving of their love and affection because you treat them badly, anything that you may do or say apart from being perfect may be used against you in this way.
  9. Your family and friends … in most cases the alienator will attempt to discredit them also … “his/her brother, your uncle, is a fat alcholic drug using nobody” … now if this is true there may be some fair basis but by now it is true in the childrens minds, especially if the uncle is fat, and whilst the alienator has not targeted you directly they have discreditied you, by association.   The alienator uses some fact to strengthen a lie and all the children see is the fact that the uncle is fat so the rest must be true.   Discredit enough of your friends and family and you are discredited in the eyes of the children.
  10. Home is where the heart is … and rightfully so but the alienator takes every opportunity to drive this home and that their heart really belongs at the alienators place … “are you happier here or over there” … the children do not want to dissapoint so they say here and if gone over enough it becomes reality, it is a lot easier for them that way and the end result is that they do not feel at home at the the other parents place hence no or little love or sense of belonging at the home of the targeted, end result is that they do not want to be there.
  11. “If you loved us you would just want us to be happy” … and by now guess where they think (coached) they are the happiest … “if you loved us you would just want us to be happy and you would not care what the judge said, you would let us go” … this is a very difficult one as by the time they have got up the courage to say it (coached) then they really think it and then you become the baddy by not letting them go.   The alienator knows you won’t so again you loose.
  12. Holidays … do not tell the children where you plan to take them on holidays, if you do they will most likely tell the alienator giving the alienator an opportunity to discredit the event by pointing out the dangers etc … camping, “be carefull of all the snakes and spiders” … in the end the children are not keen to go and the excitment of it all is gone, you have made the bookings and they do not want to go but you go and they are angry with you even after they have settled down and ultimately enjoy the holiday … “it is dangerous to take children camping in the bush” leaves the children thinking you are willing to put them in danger, not a good parent.

Cloud 4 (5)

6 thoughts on “The alienators “tools of trade”

  1. Sadly, my children experience almost every one of these. Our time is 70/30, and 50/50 for two summer months. I never could have imagined the amount of damage that can be done through alienating, abusive behaviors.


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