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Feel sorry for and pity the Alienator

Have pity and feel sorry for the alienating parent.

I speak from experience, you do not have to be a psychologist or social worker to work it out. The alienator – (be them a parent, sibling or grandparent) obviously has severe insecurity issues and much emotional baggage.

By alienating a child from people or relatives around them, they feel they are securing their own love from that child – by process of elimination!! If they are the only remaining person in that childs/adult childs life the only option for that child (adult child) is to love that remaining person in their life – it’s not rocket science!!! By putting themselves first and depriving the child (children) of loving relatives they are instilling a behavioural habit into that child/adult child for later years. That child, or those children in multiple cases, will grow up thinking it is perfectly normal behaviour to alienate people from their lives and will teach their own children the same. Then history goes on and on repeating itself because no one has had the courage or foresight to put that child (those children) first in their life, and do the decent thing and allow that child (those children) to be loved by everyone!!!

I know to suggest pity and sorrow for these types of people sounds like madness, but their lives must be so emotionally disturbed and empty to put their own feelings first, they must feel so much bitterness and anger about something from their past

Maybe we should be trying to help them seek counselling or medical help, not blame them!!!

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Author:

Currently studying Psychotherapy , Cognitive psychology, Biological psychology, Counselling psychology and CBT. I believe in truth, honesty and integrity! ≧◔◡◔≦

11 thoughts on “Feel sorry for and pity the Alienator

  1. In a word…..”compassion”. Who knows the path(s) the alienator’s journey has taken thus far. Be grateful (1) you have broad enough shoulders to take the load you carry and (2) you aren’t so emotionally damaged that you would do such a thing to another human-being whether it be your ex or your own child (who you’re supposed to love unconditionally!)

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    1. So true, if you do not have compassion for all involved you will never ever be free.” Who knows the path(s) the alienator’s journey has taken thus far.”!!!! This statement says so much – thankyou tomthom13

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  2. “Feel sorry for and pity the Alienator” – I have to disagree with a few things on this point. First, pathology is not always unpleasant for the one experiencing it, even though it is deeply unpleasant for those around them. The alienator may be very damaged emotionally, but that doesn’t mean that they’re unhappy. Frankly, there are times when I WISH I was emotionally damaged, so that I wouldn’t feel the pain and grief caused by missing my children. I wish I was more like one of those men who could just walk away and not give my children a second thought. But I’m not. Missing my children is unbearably painful, and I can’t change that.

    Secondly, “love by process of elimination” may be the motivation in SOME instances, but that is certainly not the case in all of them. My ex wife shows all the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one of the features of which is an inability to recognize that other people have separate emotions. Her point of view is that, since she hates me, it follows that my children hate me too. She cannot comprehend that the children are separate people.

    I have seen evidence of this in two situations. When she first got the restraining order against me, she came home to the children and triumphantly exclaimed, “Good news! We don’t have to deal with him any more!”. This would not have been good news to my children, because we had a very close and loving relationship at the time.

    The second instance was three years later, when CPS took my daughter away from her. At first I didn’t know, because she refused to give CPS any information about me. But when my daughter expressed a desire to see me, my ex-wife told her, “If you agree to having visitation with him, you’re going to ruin my life and your brother’s lives too!”. After my first visit with my daughter, my ex-wife refused to visit with her, or allow her brothers to visit with her. She cut off communication entirely.

    I cannot pity the alienator. Her pathology causes pain to everyone else, but she is perfectly happy the way she is.

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    1. Good morning Walter and thank you for your reply.Do you believe that emotionally damaged people can be happy, or do they just put on a show. My ex too shows all the traits of NPD amongst others but after 25 years I can only feel pity.

      Have you read “I am the alienator” by Karen Woodhall, it really strikes a chord!!!! My situation will never change but I hope your children are young enough for you to seek help.

      All the best, bon courage!!!! Linda

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      1. Hi Linda, I absolutely believe that emotionally damaged people can be happy. They may be happy for reasons that would cause pain to emotionally healthy people, but what they feel is happiness. When my ex was granted the restraining order against me, and then gleefully told my confused children, “Good news, we don’t have to deal with him anymore!”, I believe her happiness was real. I believe that if you had told her that my children were NOT happy at that moment, she would not even have been able to comprehend how that was possible. In her mind, the children and her were one – she was happy, therefore they were happy.

        If you were to show her video from four years later of my daughter running into my arms and sobbing with joy, she would have told you that it was because my daughter is every bit as evil, or crazy, or damaged as I am. She would tell you she’s glad that CPS took my daughter out of her house, because my daughter was a danger, a monster, an abuser. She even had my daughter believing those things herself at one point.

        So yes, I believe they can be happy, and sad, and hurt, and scared. But often, for all the wrong reasons.

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