Tue 22 November 2016 1:30 pm – 4:30 pm
Carlow Room, 10 Palmerston Place, Edinburgh EH12 5AA
This event is an opportunity for family lawyers, social workers and other professionals working with families to consider their own practice and learn about other possible approaches to children in separated families resisting contact with one of their parents. Rather than just accepting this reluctance to see a parent, this session explores possible reasons and solutions.
Our speakers will present on the topic of Children Resisting Contact with the help of excerpts from a wonderful Dutch documentary film: Rewind – my parent’s divorce. The film is a retrospective of filmmaker Frénk van der Linden’s family separation 40 years before, after which his parents never met up again.The two children were alienated from their mother during their teens. The story is told entirely through Frénk’s interviews with his separated parents and there is a surprise ending.
At each stage in discussing this true story the participants will be asked to consider what they might do better to resolve the situation and assist the children and parents.
SPEAKERS: Nick Child, retired Child Psychiatrist and Family Therapist; Pat Barclay, Child and Couple Separation Counsellor and Family Consultant with Consensus Aberdeen.
click here to obtain tickets for this event in November 2016-http://www.fnfscotland.org.uk/news/tag/parental-alienation
What is parenting capacity? A simple definition is: “the ability to parent in a ‘good enough’ manner long term” (Conley, 2003). According to a survey of practitioners’ perceptions of ‘good enough’ parenting, there are four elements:
meeting children’s health and developmental needs
putting children’s needs first
providing routine and consistent care
acknowledging problems and engaging with support services.
From the same survey, risky parenting was associated with:
neglecting basic needs; putting adults’ needs first
chaos and lack of routine
and an unwillingness to engage with support services (Kellett and Apps, 2009).
click here to download the complete 15 page document:- factsheet-assessing-parenting-capacity
When lay people and professionals alike talk about dysfunctional families, often the question arises: Did the mother love the children? Or, did the father love the children?
Parental love is a very complicated emotion. If a parent compulsively looks after their children’s health, insisting they eat only organic food, and natural vitamins, is this a form of love? How about if a parent makes a child come home after school and forbids any socializing until the studies are completed to her satisfaction–because this way the child will get into Harvard. Is this love? If the parent is looking after the child’s best interests, then arguably their actions reflect love. But where is the line drawn? Some parents say to their children: “Everything I did, I did for you–fed you, clothed you, put a roof over your head–all of it for you.” While probably an exaggeration, there is still a bit of truth here. Was there love? Perhaps. One can sometimes find a small measure of love in narcissistic parents (see, e.g., Do Narcissistic Parents Love Their Children?). “I love you because you reflect well on me” may still be love, however sullied. (One might argue that love in the service of selfish needs is not really love–but the line between selfish and unselfish love is a fuzzy one indeed if you consider “selfish gene” theory, and the fact that even normal parents have a “healthy” amount of narcissism.) Furthermore, the tears a mildly narcissistic parent sheds when their child dies may be, at least for the moment, real.
read the full article here:-http://www.voicelessness.com/loveenough.html
Nothing is sadder or more destructive than not getting your needs met as a child because your parents were pathologically disordered. Narcissism, socio/psychopathic, antisocial or borderline are just four ways that your parents could have been pathologically disordered. There are a number of other ways and diagnosis as well.
But the fact remains that so many children raised by pathological parents (whom are often also addicts) grow up seeing the world through the eyes of the pathological. We call that ‘the pathological world view.’ No matter how you cut it, children are influenced, for the good or the bad, by the parents who raise them. That’s because we largely come to see the world, ourselves and others through their eyes. If they are healthy and normal people–that view of others and ourselves is a good thing. If they are dangerous and pathological, the view of others and ourselves could be a bad thing.
There are a number of aftermath effects of pathological parenting that you may have recognized in your own life–choices, patterns, feelings, behaviors that have negatively influenced your life.
- You may be plagued with self-doubt
- Low self-esteem
- Chronic caregiving of others
- A total disregard for your own needs or self care
- You could battle depression or chronic anxiety
- Or fight nagging pessimism about your future or the world around you
- You might be dangerously naive never trusting your own instincts and being constantly taken advantage of
- You could have eating disorders, sexual addictions/other sexual disorders
- Or obsessive compulsive behaviors
- You could medicate your feelings with drugs or alcohol
- Or find abusive religious affiliations to take up where your pathological parents fell away
- You may have emotional intimacy problems or jump from relationship to relationship fearing abandonment or being alone
- Or you may engage in what they now call ‘sexual anorexia’ — the forbidding of yourself to ever be intimate or loving with someone else
While you may ‘understand why’ your parents behaved like they did or you are engulfed in compassion and pity for their illness, the rubber meets the road at the point where your needs went so chronically unmet that you now have your own emotional problems because of what you didn’t get at those crucial developmental points of your life. Compassion, pity, forgiveness and understanding about their disorder only goes so far as it doesn’t help you get what you never got from the most important people in your life.
Today, your choices in relationships can be largely influenced from pathological parenting. Picking dangerous and/or pathological men for relationships is often a devastating side effect of pathological parenting. Growing up learning how to normalize abnormal behavior is a set up for accepting pathology into all areas of your life—your boss, your friends, your partners. Becoming aware of your relationship choices is a good first start but may NOT be the only intervention you need in order to grieve your childhood losses and stop trying to fix pathologicals by having intimate or parenting-type relationships with them. You can’t fix your own pathological parenting deficits through a relationship with someone else. That can only be done one-on-one with yourself.
If you are sick of self sabotaging your own life, relationships, career, success and future because of what you might not have gotten in your childhood, there is help and hope. You don’t have to be a slave forever to your past.
Join us for the ‘Adult Children of Narcissistic, Psychopathic and Borderline Parents’ support group. If you are ready to make healthy choices you didn’t have the skills for before, then contact us for jump start on your recovery.