Projection (Psychological) 1) An unconscious self-defence mechanism characterised by a person unconsciously attributing their own issues onto someone or something else as a form of delusion and denial. 2) A way to blame others for your own negative thoughts by repressing them and then attributing them to someone else.
Here are the 12 stages of what happens to us when we are betrayed. May it be helpful if you’ve been betrayed–and may it help you treat those around you better.
When we’ve been betrayed, we….
1. Deny the truth.
2. Experience loss.
3. Hurt like hell.
4. Brew our anger. .
5. Lose our illusions.
6. Forgive but not forget.
7. Struggle to trust.
8. Experience everything differently.
9. Hold on to doubt.
10. Live in sadness.
11. Work to break the chain.
12. Finally, claim acceptance. Continue reading “What People Who Have Been Betrayed Want You to Know”
After a betrayal, many people experience shame. The “I should have known better” statements and guilt develops, and they are very difficult to silence. The self-critical thoughts only hurt the healing process. Because you were betrayed, it does not mean that you did something wrong or that you are foolish.
As mentioned before, healing takes a different amount of time for everyone. It is a process that cannot be rushed. Sometimes, the betrayal can actually make us better. Learning how to recover from trauma with dignity, class, and self-worth is a valuable skill to have. Focusing on your strength and resilience instead of the weakness and pain you might have felt, will allow you to develop a powerful sense of worth and develop a positive self esteem. Continue reading “After betrayal”
Investigators have discovered the neurophysiological basis of human trust and the reaction to it being breached. In the study, scientists were able to prove the hormone oxytocin plays a vital role toward the sentiment of trust, even after a betrayal. The ability of human beings to live in societies is based on trust. Whether in love or politics, in family or business life, trust always plays an important role. The interest was correspondingly high when researchers at the University of Zurich discovered three years ago that oxytocin promotes a feeling of trust. However, the neurophysiological basis of that effect and why oxytocin increases trust remained unknown. Another unanswered question was whether oxytocin can influence the behaviour of trust, even after one person’s faith in another has been betrayed. A research team at the University of Zurich with the neuroscientist Thomas Baumgartner, the neuroeconomist Ernst Fehr and the psychologist Markus Heinrichs has now determined that
Source: Biochemical Effects of Betrayal
Betrayal is the sense of being harmed by the intentional actions or omissions of a trusted person. The most common forms of betrayal are harmful disclosures of confidential information, disloyalty, infidelity, dishonesty. They can be traumatic and cause considerable distress. The effects of betrayal include shock, loss and grief, morbid pre-occupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, anger. Not infrequently they produce life-altering changes. The effects of a catastrophic betrayal are most relevant for anxiety disorders, and OC D and PTSD in particular. Betrayal can cause mental contamination, and the betrayer commonly becomes a source of contamination. In a series of experiments it was demonstrated that feelings of mental contamination can be aroused by imagining unacceptable non-consensual acts. The magnitude of the mental contamination was boosted by the introduction of betrayal themes. Feelings of mental contamination can also be aroused in some ‘perpetrators’ of non-consensual acts involving betrayal. The psychological significance of acts of betrayal is discussed. Continue reading “Betrayal: a psychological analysis”
Betrayal leaves us at a fork in the road. We can choose to act in ways that either favor or impede personal growth: we can become stuck in a bad moment forever or we can put it behind us for good. We decide our path. Act on my 13 steps to recover faith after betrayal:
1. Erase the imprints of betrayal.
3. Throw betrayal away.
4. Start faith slow.
5. Find others who have faith.
6. Regain faith in yourself.
7. Detach from people you don’t trust.
8. Don’t betray.
9. Envision a future free of betrayal.
10. Control your emotions.
11. Take a leap of faith.
12. Trust two people unconditionally.
13. Reaffirm your faith each day.
I trust the people in my life fully; I have faith that they act with respect and genuine intentions towards me. Continue reading “13 Steps to Recover From Betrayal”
The next time you lose trust in someone, try taking these steps towards equanimity for yourself and to avoid making the situation more damaging:
1. Let the full emotional effect of the betrayal sink in, yet don’t re-run the scene more than three times.
2. Step into the other person’s shoes to see the interaction their way. Is this a pattern in his behavior towards you or is it an anomaly?
3. Look to the part of that person’s potentially positive intent, especially when she appeared to have none in that situation. You will see the whole picture more clearly and calmly.
4. Praise the part of that person’s behavior you want to reinforce and to flourish. Ironically, this is one of your most self-protective tools in such moments.
5. If you want to maintain the friendship, ask her for a time to talk. Then, in factual, non-blaming language, describe the specific behavior that bothered you. Next describe your feelings. Then wait for a response.
6. Listen closely and with an open heart and mind to the answer. If your picture of her actions was accurate, and if she is solely defensive -without offering a change in behavior, then you have learned a lot.
7. If someone breaks trust with you twice it is highly likely there’ll be a third time so why place yourself in that position? My friend Paul Geffner told me once that a key to cultivating healthy relationships, with each person who comes into our life, is to recognize, over time, the optimal distance in which to hold them. And events can happen where their actions — or ours — can shift that distance.
8. Consciously choose your distance while acting to bring out their better side: Speak to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have none. Recognize that you always have three choices in most any situation: Change how you act towards that person, accept her behavior or leave the relationship.
Sometimes the voice of the Higher Self may feel unfamiliar to us — so much so that it is hard to relate to it as “self.” But I would argue it is actually our truest nature. You can find it by noticing its qualities.
Your Higher Self is probably speaking if you notice any of these six characteristics:
1. Calm and centered. Your Higher Self voice is calmer than the ego. It is the “anti-Chicken Little.” It can calmly observe all the craziness of life and stay centered. It can even calmly watch the ego doing “its drama thing” and patiently smile.
2. Seeing with compassion. Higher Self can easily imagine why other people might do weird and crazy stuff. Ego prefers judgment and self-righteous high ground.
3. Long-term focus. The ego looks for short-term gratification. The Higher Self looks at the long term. The ego’s advice might be to deliver a verbal smack down that feels righteously self-justified. The Higher Self knows there is long-term pain for you and the other person in that choice.
4. Win-win outcomes. The Higher Self knows that sustainable good outcomes come from caring for others AND taking care of self. Either/or solutions are rarely good relationship tools. Everyone should see some form of “win.” Creativity and intuition (aspects of our Higher Self) can break through traditional ego-solutions and see a better path.
5. Strong boundaries. I love to say that there is nothing wimpy about being spiritual. The Higher Self can say “no” and mean it. Higher Self sets boundaries calmly and clearly. There are times to be compassionate, wise and immovable.
6. Positive emotional texture. The Higher Self can see beauty and wonder in so many places. If you are feeling peaceful, joyful, grateful, wise and compassionate you are probably in Higher Self. Watch your body. Ego tends to cause fight or flight responses like shallow breathing and clenched muscles. Your muscles and emotions will help you know which voice you are listening to.
Overall, our Higher Self looks to find what is right, what is good in all the people and all the parts of this set of circumstances. It looks for something to be grateful for. Continue reading “Higher Self: 6 Ways to Help You Hear It”
Oh! You speak Spanish? That’s cute. I also speak Spanish, Italian and French. (Insert smirk). You taught Spanish in high school? I actually started my own company when I was an infant, teaching 3 languages. I funded it myself!”
We get it. You have a burning desire make yourself feel superior because you feel violently inferior. You cannot handle the success of others. You are insecure. There’s a big gaping difference in sharing stories with a friend because you’ve had similar experiences, but to undermine someone’s success or statement with your own is not only embarrassing, it’s extremely annoying and fictitious.
Putting people down is the equivalent of an illuminated LED sign reading “VIOLENTLY INSECURE” floating behind you in a helium filled thought bubble. To put others down in an attempt to gain attention, validation, or happiness shows how jealous you are of what they have. Even if you’re not jealous of what they have, you show that you’re unhappy with what you have when you intentionally offend them. How you treat others is a direct extension of how you feel about yourself, and when you try to make someone else feel bad or embarrassed of who they are, it’s deplorable. A happy, secure person wants to share their light.
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” – Buddha
Before you conclude that rankism is human nature-that we’re like the apes, and they do it, so we have no choice-and dismiss the possibility of overcoming it, consider this list of specific kinds of “put downs” that, not long ago, were deemed cool, but have become a sure way to embarrass yourself:
- Racism-whites putting and keeping non-whites down
- Sexism-males limiting and disadvantaging females
- Ageism-patronizing the young, condescending to the elderly
- Anti-Semitism-discriminating against Jews
- Classism-putting down people on the basis of differences in class (more prevalent in former aristocracies like Britain than in America, but also known here)
- Homophobia-heterosexuals demeaning gays and lesbians
- Ableism-humiliating people with disabilities
- Colonialism-subordinating and exploiting another society or nation
- Workplace and schoolyard bullying; sexual harassment, child abuse, and domestic violence; corporate, bureaucratic, and political corruption